Should we still be paying for adult DSS?

"Their" lifestyle? I thought you said it was just one 19 year old stepson, in which case it is 'his' lifetyle..

This is not an unusual scenario, many young people have great difficulty with their first year of university, some drop out altogether and come home. There is so much more to the first year than study, a new and quite adult experience altogether, often scary. That's why many are encouraged to have a gap year and learn to be a little independent before commencing higher education.

The lad is only nineteen, give him a break. He needs time and space to sort his head and life out without pressure. Another year won't make much difference to you. Don't be mean, it's not forever.

you're not unreasonable at all...except, why would he just be his mother's problem?

You may be within your "rights" to do so but be careful what you wish for. He might move in with you if his mum suddenly struggles to support him!

It's normal for him to still need some support at this age. By all means talk about the level of support, but if you lived with him you wouldn't be thinking of withdrawing absolute basics like food so cutting him down to zero seems unreasonable to me. Treat him like you like him, at least a little.

If he’s at uni you should be supporting him. If he’s dropped out then he should be looking for a job but if he’s is genuinely looking but struggling to find something or genuinely suffering health wise and needs a bit of time to recover then I would help support him whilst he gets things together.

if he’s just messing around and taking advantage/doing nothing then I wouldn’t support him.

if he starts another course/training programme etc then I would look into what support is needed depending on the situation.

Wow! Is your child living like royalty? Our yp get minimum loan to live off, which gives them more than £100 a week term time, they work in the holidays and we pay all accommodation costs.

That's a bit less than my daughter spends, but not by much. Rent is slightly under 6k and she spends £250. So about 9k in total. Min loan plus 300 a month is over 8k. My daughter has more to spend as we pay rent and she has the loan. But she's pretty frugal and doesn't spend much.

He sounds like he is really struggling. I'm not sure I'd call it a lifestyle.

Your step-son is 19, and any financial help given, should be paid directly to him. Your husband is not responsible for supporting his son's Mum. Unless there's MH or physical health problems, as to why she isn't working full-time, then it's time she did.

As for your step-son, he needs to make a decision regarding university. There's no point continuing in a course that he dislikes and is struggling with university life. He needs to find a part-time job.

Because supporting your child and giving your ex £1000 a month are two different things. My dad still supported me through uni. He paid my accommodation. He did not continue to send my mum money. I then got a part time job. I seriously doubt that £1000 is going entirely on their son. And if it is why can’t he have it directly? In this case from the sounds of it though, it seems like he would just give it to his mum anyway.
Supporting your son is not giving them money whilst they do nothing with their life. Help him get back on track, figure out what he wants to do with his life. If you can support a bit financially then that’s a choice. Some parents can’t. I don’t think it will do any harm for him to learn that money comes from working for it. Unless you’re privileged enough to come from money that you don’t need to work. Then I guess it’s your choice if you wish to raise an entitled child.
No one is saying don’t support your son/DSS.

I’d talk to DSS about what he intends to do. If he’s not enjoying uni, then he needs to get a job.

As for ex, there is no reason to be paying her maintenance now. As you say there’s no reason she can’t support herself. A past marriage isn’t a meal ticket for life.

But, talk it over with your DH, obviously.

How much is your DHs salary?
How much per month is DH paying?
How much CM did he pay before his DS turned 18?
What does DH think should happen?

Your DH should have a conversation with his DS. Money stops going to mum. He works out honestly what he wants to do and how much he needs per month for travel, bills. Dad continues to pay until he works out what he wants to do. Either way he needs to get a part time job if staying at uni and a full time job if leaving. Then review it.

Is DSS finding it hard to think about himself because he worries about how his Mum will cope.

Your DH needs to seriously discuss what DSS is planning and what his available choices could be.
Does he wish to swap unis?
Or courses?
Take advice from career support at uni.

DSS could benefit from a part time job.

His mother could take in a boarder if her son moves away for uni., and not let her own needs dictate her son's career path.

It is normal to swap and change subjects and courses during first year uni.

Hrs 19 he can claim universal credit.whilst looking for a job.

I’d be stepping down what she’s given to 0 very quickly and to him if he’s not back in FTE this academic year.

It says in the OP the DSS is nearly 19 why are you making things up?

Tbh the 'why should we be supporting her (mum's) lifestyle' comments rile me. So that's it, you cut kids off dead financially the moment they leave school? Mumsnet comments seem a bit cutthroat on this.

Either the adult child gets a job and supports themselves or they go to further education and the Father supports the child direct. Why should the Mother be propped up to the tune of 1k a month and then only work PT?!

If he is getting student loan & living at home then he should use that to pay his ‘rent’ to his Mum & then his Dad should give any living allowance directly to his DS. I would say £100/week would be very generous. Then DS should get a part time job if he wants more money. £1,000/month is very generous.

He's only just 18. Dad should absolutely still be supporting him and helping him decide next steps. Tbh the 'why should we be supporting her (mum's) lifestyle' comments rile me. So that's it, you cut kids off dead financially the moment they leave school? Mumsnet comments seem a bit cutthroat on this.

And a lot of kids stay at home these days whilst at uni. Sounds like this is the case here.

I would continue supporting whilst he is at uni and then for a transition period whilst he looks for a job.

It’s a bit weird that it’s going to his mum though and is such a high amount. Is that to top him up to the maximum loan or has it always been that way?

It’s a bit short sighted of his mum not to have planned for maintenance to stop and you shouldn’t be supporting her financially.

how on earth does £300 and minimum loan support your dc at uni? Genuinely curious as dd goes next week and my maths suggests £850 per month to top up rent plus food/living - £320 a month for living costs the rest is for the rent.

If he's still intending on staying at university then yes I'd be supporting him. But we only give DD £400 a month, the rest is her loan and she has worked during the summer and since she was 16.

I don't think you should be giving his mum anything and the money should now be going directly to the son as he's over 18.

For many years, when maintenance was awarded through the Courts it was paid until the offspring left full time education.

I think I’d be tempted to take him out and talk to him about what gos plans are and see if you can offer any support with finding a job.

If he thinks his employment prospects are limited through his choice of course, they will be even more limited if he doesn’t have a good employment record.

She's had years to plan for this day presumably.

I assume there was a fair split of assets when they split?

Money to dss at an appropriate level