Should we still be paying for adult DSS?

He's not your son so I would personally try not to get too involved. I think if he's dropped out of uni completely then it is fair to change the financial agreements. £1k sounds a lot for a student - is this because DH earns too much for him to get a maintenance loan? I guess depends where in the country. £1k in London if you're paying accommodation etc won't go far. If accommodation is paid for or he's in a cheap area of the country then it seems ridiculous.

If he's just having a break/struggling with his mental health then I think just getting to the bottom of what he wants to do would be far more important to me than counting my pennies. You were going to give him £1k a month regardless but of course if he has fully dropped out then he shouldn't get the money really (or less if you want to help him until he finds a job or other training).

Priority as a parent should be on what is going on with him not about money.

Scottish students are oftn 17 when they start. Also certain subjects such as elite performing arts/music they can start earlier.

How has he managed to have done the whole of the first year of uni and in theory at least, be about to enter the second year and still not be 19 yet? I thought the cut off date for birthdays was 31st August so everyone was 18 by the time they started in Sept or Oct?

Unless he opted to go a year early, but that's pretty unusual. It sounds as if he went straight from mainstream school and I'm sure you'd have mentioned going a year early that if it was the case? Although if it is the case, then it might be the reason he's failed to thrive there. He's still too young and just wasn't ready.

It does cost money for a student to live at home. Which is why they still get a maintenance low so they can pay their way.

If he is not attending any courses at university then he needs to get himself a full time job.

I would give him 1 months notice that the £1000 payment will be stopping as he is no longer studying.

Actually no. When dd was 19 she left college and apart from helping her with a deposit for a rented house share we expected her to work to keep herself. When she returned back home after 2 years away she paid us rent.

When ds was 18 he talked about a gap year and we told hi that was fine but that he would be expected to work to support herself. When he went to uni we gacve him the expected parental contribution but once he left he was expected to support himself.

Your stepson has paused his studies, your husband is paying his ex so she carry on working part time and you both are working full time? What incentive is he giving his son to become an adult? To take this time of his life seriously and face up to adulthood if even his mum doesn’t have to face up to a drop in income once their son reached a certain age and have to work more hours.
My eldest DD wanted to drop out of uni for many of the same reasons and I sat her down and told her she needs to find another course quickly if possible or keep on the course she’s in as she can’t just leave and become a layabout and she has to learn to make new friends as she won’t find the same job with all her friends. She had to face facts and her dad stopped paying anything once she left school.
Your Dss is 19, he needs get a part time job as he is studying so he can pay some of his way and not be treated as a child. Your husband is acting like a Disney dad and actively encouraging him to expect the bank of dad to cushion him from having any responsibility in life. Is he doing it out of guilt or is he afraid that his ex won’t step up to the change in her circumstances and work full time so son has to move in with you guys?

I suppose the thing is this type of thread comes up so many times, usually from the SM, when should we stop paying towards stepchildren. But the mum is expected to be able to house, feed etc the offspring and dad and SM can wave away any financial responsibility or housing of said person.

It really isn’t realistic to expect uni students to pay their way at home

We paid DS £1000pm whilst at uni as he got minimum loan, he also worked every holiday but we didn’t take money from him in the holidays. It is also quite hard for some students to find jobs, both whilst at uni and afterwards, so that financial burden can carry on for some time. The graduate market is brutal at the moment

How has he done a year at University already if he's still 18?

That sounds like a DH problem.

You don’t need to fund anything. Tell him you won’t be contributing and let him sort it out.

If she was bearing the financial burden she’d be working full time. Working part time when you have university aged kids is self indulgent and her choice.

But if OP’s partner stops paying for DSS and mum started working FT she would still be bearing more costs of son if he lives with her at home during uni holidays. Most uni students don’t pay bed and board whilst at home in the holidays

This is the thing that has to change.
It is admirable that DSS cares about how his mother would cope, but as he is now an adult himself, he is the one who should be paying his mother (for his lodgings / board / keep).
DH should pay the £1k direct to his son, and the son can have a discussion with his mother about how much he (DSS) pays her. DH should not be a part of this.

DSS needs to be told it is completely unacceptable for him to request that his father continues to pay his mother, and that he needs to step up and start managing his money like an adult.

Quite separately, DH can discuss with his son what his plans are, and when the £1k will stop being paid, e.g. after he graduates, or leaves uni before graduation. If he is no longer enrolled as a full time student, he needs to claim Universal Credit as an unemployed person.
Definitely don't stop the £1k suddenly, but maybe taper it off as part of a discussion about his future.

Its not the mum though
As shes only working part time

Time to end the payments and tell DSS that you will support his engagement with education that helps further his career opportunities, but not with doing nothing. He needs to look into transferring course or university or he needs to knuckle dorm and get the qualification he applied for.

It still costs money to house a uni student at home, why should it usually be the mum who bears that financial burden in a split family? DS seemed to have holiday half the year when at uni. He worked but that went towards his living costs whilst at uni.

Could he come and live with you @toottootbeepbeeep? Then you can see how much he actually costs?

Which is great if you can afford it. University costs are a huge struggle for some people.

I assume it's because you pay accommodation costs whereas the other poster doesn't.

I think most parents would try and help out
But not to the tune of £1000/ month
Hes 19 he can look for a job
And claim universal credit in the meantime
And his mum can work full time.

I think he needs to decide to either quit uni or get a job. If he continues at uni I would give him some money each month not pay it directly to his mum. If he quits uni I would give him some money while he applies for jobs, once he has a job I’d stop giving him money but pay for lunch when you go out, or if you go shopping with him treat him to a new top that sort of thing. Not paying his mum directly will hopefully give her the push she might need to increase her hours

We funded our children until the September after they finished education (both went to uni) by then they were both working full time and they started paying board

Rent is more than £9k… didn’t realise it varied quite so much in halls.

Er, you are paying your yp rent whereas we are using her maintenance loan and topping up the rent as the loan doesn’t come close to covering it. Sounds like we give our dc similar just in a different way so no, not living like royalty. Halls cost £222 a week (just over 9k a year and loan it’s 5k so we have to top up).

Your yp gets £100 per week whereas mine will get £320 per month… so yours actually gets more!

Wow.

All these kids who suddenly become self sufficient and self funding once they hit 18/19. Who knew.

My children are 21 and above. Two working, one travelling. If they need anything, I give it to them. Just as they treat me to meals out and things for the house. I'll never stop helping my kids in anyway they need. Even the one who has chosen to travel for a few weeks and doesn't yet have a job.

I’m sure lots of people would also struggle without an extra £1,000 a month which is why they need to work full time if able… time to up her hours.