Should we still be paying for adult DSS?

Many young people who have graduated don’t have graduate jobs either (and even bigger debts to pay off)

At 19 I would be paying it to him rather than his mum and it’s between the two of them how it gets spent on the household.

Why is it madness? She is the one paying for the house he lives in, his food, electricity, water, clothes, shoes, any spending money etc. Why don’t you think his dad should contribute to the costs of his son’s living?

You’re paying his mum because she is the one who is housing him, paying for his food, electricity, clothes, everything he needs, while he either figures out uni or gets a job? She can’t simply stop contributing towards his home/food/living and so neither can his dad, surely that is obvious to you OP?

He needs support in either finding his feet with university, or in getting a job, and I agree that he needs to do one of those things but until he does his dad doesn’t get to just opt out of paying for his child therefore placing that entire burden on his mum. Unless you are offering for him to come and stay with you instead of course?

Who does? I do. Me! In fact, even in the absence of a private pension and proper savings (my dh and myself) my favourite occupation is to throw money at my dc. Just throw it - gap year, shmap year, I don't care. Like a proper gypsy wedding - you know, when they throw gold coins and shower the newlyweds. This is better than sex on drugs (me) - I don't think I would have enjoyed it as much, had I had private pension and savings.

Obviously DON'T pay his mum! This is madness to pay his mum!

If you are in Scotland, if the child is in education, then there is a financial responsibility until the age of 25.

It’s not CM, it’s aliment that should go direct to the child if 18-25.

Indeed. The questions would be whether or not he's passed second year and whether or not he is going to enroll for third year. The state "he's still not enrolled but not turning up" doesn't just roll forward from one year into another.

Surely the reason he is not doing any 'active classes' is because term hasnt started yet?
If he is enrolled at uni he must be on a course, and si your dh should be supporting him

Or do you think we should give him several thousand pounds to go on a gap year, and then re-start university?

Yes, you are living in cloud cuckoo land. Who gives their YP several thousand pounds to go on a gap year? If they want to go on a jollee like that they fund it themselves.

This post should read: 'Has not settled. I am really worried. I think he is going to waste his life - he dropped out of a great university, great course. What might be wrong with him? What can we do, as a couple, to make sure he does not piss his life against the wall? Do you think dss should move in with us full-time, so we can offer assistance and guide him, if necessary by the hand, through the first year at university if he starts his units again? Or do you think we should give him several thousand pounds to go on a gap year, and then re-start university? I am so worried, good boy, great uni, great course and this? What would you suggest'?

But then again, I am fucking dreaming, aren't I?

Very hard but hes entitlitled to UC as mght his mum if shes only working part time.

As soon as my DS turned 18 I told ex he could stopped paying. The rule is as soon as the child benefit stops so does the maintenance.

She won't be getting child benefit anymore.
If you want to support DSS that's different ie some money to help him at uni with costs.
But maintenance stops after A levels.

I’d like the extra 1k to go towards our future not supporting their lifestyle.

So, this is more about you begrudging the mother working part-time, and not about your stepson faffing about at uni?

I spoke to a young lady this week who said she missed most of her lectures for various reasons, but managed to graduate UCL with a 1st 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Maybe he's a late bloomer and will settle in eventually. Until he drops out, you continue 'supporting their lifestyle'. Find a way to improve your future, without curtailing your stepson's.

Do you know how hard that is for people of his age?

This really isn’t about the DDS, I’m guessing the only reason he is still enrolled is for the maintenance payment. He will be kicked off the course soon enough and then DSS will be forced to seek an alternative course or contribute. It sounds like DSS’s mother is reliant on the maintenance and you are doing neither of them any favours by continuing with an arrangement that enables them not to change. Uni isn’t for everyone and so your partner should be supporting his son in making decisions that are better suited to him.

If your partner chooses to continue to pay maintenance, I would pay it directly to DSS. He’s an adult now and he needs to be made aware the value of money and the more transparent you are with it, hopefully the more he will be aware of the responsibility that comes with it.

Hes 19 hes an adult non of this is relevant
As an aside many working mums cant do sports day
Drop offs etc
Does that mean they have to pay for their children for ever more ?

You have a problem with the ex not the son. She needs to work FT. She is part time and you are funding her lifestyle.

He's an adult. Time he got a job.

If he is still enrolled in education and living at home he is still entitled to support. Maybe look at reducing the amount. Is it 1000 a month or a year?
I know BIL has to continue payments until his daughter is 21 when in 3rd level education.

How often did DH do pick ups and drop offs to school /childcare? Attend sports days? Nativities? Doctors appointments or dentists? When he was sick who had him?

There's an argument to be had about her increasing her hours now, but I would assume that his mum did all the above and couldn't have done if she worked full time.