Should we still be paying for adult DSS?

Do you know that the £1,000 is paid based on her work mode, and not his income/their prior arrangement? The OP's husband isn't trying to change the arrangement either, so this seems to be the OP's issue.

When the maintenance comes to a natural end, I'm sure the mother will continue to survive.

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Why would you not begrudge continuing to pay £1000 a month to your adult DSS’s mother just because she is choosing to work part time where she will also be claiming benefits I imagine. If they stopped paying, maybe she would then work full time to get that extra £1000 herself. OP and her husband can still continue to financially support DSS without basically paying for his mother to continue to not work as much as she needs to. Unless there’s some health reason she can’t work full time that I’m not aware of. I’m still not sure that’s her ex’s issue though. You need to separate her from the responsibility they have to the child

If he moves in with you then his DM can pay monthly maintenance.

It's not about whether this woman is 'wrong'. It"s about the unpleasant tone and assumptions made without other information. There is more than one side. She might be a lazy so and so. She might be struggling. I am not sure we should make assumptions about someone who can't defend themselves. It is useful to have multiple perspectives

I never suggested it was. But a struggling young person - assuming that's what he is - shouldn't be the sole problem of the mother.

And my objection was the tone of the post I quoted - use of the words choice and self indulgent. Those are assumptions - might be factual - but we don't know that.

Right
But its still not up to her ex husband to subsidise her.

@Whatalunatic I was thinking the same thing.

She will need to prepare for her ex's contributions to end at some point in the next few years, though, they're unlikely to continue indefinitely. Or her son could move out.

We know sod all about this woman and unless the split was very recent, neither does the OP. Upping hours isn't always straightforward, and neither is just finding a new job. We have no clue what effort she may be putting in to improve her situation. Nor do we know if she is entirely healthy and able to work full time. So many possible variables. Not always a matter of self indulgence or choice. Could be quite the opposite.

What people object to is not that there are people out there who are high earners, but that many of those high earners believe they are the only people who work hard, and that they are the only people who pay tax. The superiority of it all is tiresome and extremely short sighted and frankly, often based in untruths.

@sittingonabeach Personally, I think it would be better for the Dad to transfer his contribution towards living expenses directly to his son now that he's an adult and has left school. He can give his Mum whatever's needed for household expenses.

But she is being expected to house the DSS. So even if working full time she would be bearing the brunt of housing, feeding etc the DSS

How is OP being grabby? I genuinely can’t see how you’ve come to this conclusion because how can you be grabby with your own money? It’s the mother being grabby if anything, the son is an adult now not an eight year old child.

It’s madness because the mother is only working part time. When your children are adults there’s zero reason for part time work and it’s entitled to expect another adult to contribute towards household costs if she’s choosing to not work full time hours. When does it end? He’s going to leave home eventually so she’s going to have to stand on her own two feet then.

@HoppingPavlova Yes, it can take time for young adults to figure out their pathway.

The only caution I'd give to the OP and her DH is to be careful about wasting money on university fees if the DSS is dropping/not completing classes. We're in the US where fees are high and I know someone who wasted thousands when her eldest DD did this several times. Your DSS needs to pay attention to the class withdrawal deadlines and if he doesn't like a class, drop it before he's on the hook for the full tuition.

It may be different in Australia, of course.

Not really. Maybe up until secondary age but after that I dont think that holds true at all. And lots of parents work full time throughout -as I had to-from the end of my marternity leave when the baby was 9 months old.
It’s all very well to say the mum is supporting the son by housing him etc. But she isn’t is she? The DH here is paying entirely for the son, the mum is paying for herself it seems, and not for him at all, though once we don’t know the housing situation-theres a big difference between mum and son sharing a bedsit to them living in a three bed house with a garden, subsided by DH.

My DD2 (19) is at uni. Her dad pays for her rent, I give her a smalll allowance and she has her student loan and a job.

DD1 (20) lives at home with me and works full time. She chose not to go to uni. We are about to ask her for £200 a month for rent and food-she has worked and loved rent free for 2 years since she left school. We will still technically be supporting her as obvs £200 is well below market rent. Her dad doesn’t contribute to her upkeep.

dad paid maintenance to me for both until they finished school after a levels. After that maintenance stopped as he said he would pay for their ongoing education direct and not to me.

I think it’s odd that your Dh is paying maintenance essentially to his ex wife and your DSS is contributing nothing at all to his own upkeep.
I don’t think all support should stop but 1k a month is excessive. If he chooses to support his mum going forwards by working and paying her rent (or giving her some of whatever his dad gives him) that’s up to him, but it shouldn’t be on your dh to subsided his ex wife going forwards-she has had time to plan for this. What if DSS stays living with her till he’s 45? Is Dh going to just carry on paying for him because she can’t afford it?

Yep. I have one similar. Took them 3 years to bounce around at uni and work out what they wanted to do. Meanwhile we financed it.

Was a lot easier in our day (40 odd years ago), as in the main, degrees were not nearly as limited/specific as they are now. I estimate there are roughly 5 x the degrees available now vs when I went to uni.

Our other kids seemed to get it in one, but with this one they spent a few years trying to find the right fit. We didn’t penalise them for it.

Do not pay his mother!

I think that your DSS and DH need to sit down and talk. It sounds as if this university/course isn't the right fit for him, so he needs to reevaluate and possibly transfer elsewhere. If the new academic year starts in January 2027, can he still apply to the university that his friends attend, for example?

Re. The money. Even though your DSS said to continue giving it to his Mum, your DH could suggest giving it directly to him and he can transfer a portion to his Mum for his share of the bills. It's not a bad thing to start learning how much it costs to run a household and will help him appreciate the value of money.

If he drops out completely or decides to take a gap year, obviously he needs a plan for that too.

He's still 18. Nearly 19. Either way he's a very young adult. I certainly wouldn't cut mine off dead at that age. It's a huge transition and especially so if they're not 100% certain which direction to go in. And I wouldn't want them going into debt living at home, taking loans to pay a parent rent before they have a job/settle on an alternate course.

Stop being grabby and think about what is best for DSS. Imagine your DH's next wife trying to get her hands on your children's money. How would you feel?