AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

I married at 18 and left when I was 29. ExH was a good, kind man, but we barely ever had sex (his choice, not mine) after our 2nd DC was born and I didn't enjoy his company in other ways. For example, he used to drone on about cars, which I have no interest in talking about. I literally asked him to stop talking about cars, but he didn't! I got to the stage where I spent a lot of time moaning to close friends about how unhappy I was. Eventually left because life is too short. He was very upset at the time, but soon met someone else he has been with ever since - as did I. We weren't suited to one another. I did feel bad about the impact on our DC, who were younger than yours when we split - but they're in their 30s now and tell me they think we handled the split well. It was amicable and we managed to avoid involving solicitors.
In short, yes, sometimes couples split because they want more from life. I wanted a sex life and a partner I enjoyed spending time with. It's not a lot to ask and, yes, life is short. In your case it's not clear to me whether you are unhappy with your relationship, or unhappy with life in general. If it's the latter, perhaps give couples counselling a go - or at least try making a real effort to connect with each other again?

So my question is AIBU to think that some times marriages don't fail because people fall out of love or have affairs but people just want more from life?

In your case it sounds like your marriage is failing because you have fallen out of love though. Saying that you care for each other but are both different people now is to me like saying you’ve fallen out of love. I’d never describe my feelings for my partner as ‘I care for him’ as that would be a million miles off what I feel for him. Also we have stayed in love because although I’m sure we are both different to when we met many years ago, we have changed together and still like and love each other.

I agree with you OP. Marriage isn't a fairytale and with working, parenting and managing a home, romance, fun and whimsy takes a back seat whilst we manage everything else on our plates.

I've been married for 21yrs, coming out of the other side of chasing the promotion ladder, parenting young kids and home renovation. It's easy to want more from life when you are on a grinding merry go round that doesn't stop. We are finally at a stage where we have slowed down the frenetic life, chosen what is actually important to us and having more fun together. Our marriage is better than ever.

I’ve explained this before: of course you can spend time with other people but what’s the point being legally committed to someone (and, usually, living with them and sharing finances) if you don’t enjoy their company?

Whats the rationale for “working on” something which doesn’t make you happy?

It’s not the reason I get divorced. Unless you mean by wanting ‘more’ I wanted a husband who actively communicated with me and cared about me instead of an unempathetic, selfish, debt incurring husband.

I met dh when I was young, we did all the mad stuff together like experiences, travelling, clubbing, meeting new (separate to each other) friends, taking up separate hobbies in our 20s, then we settled down and had kids so I think the PPs mentioning being with the same partner being the problem - isn't it.

The problem is the OP not keeping themselves 'alive' outside of the marriage from the beginning.

Work out what you'd like to do then make plans for it to happen, either on your own or with your dh but you don't need to end a marriage if you still like each other, just adapt.

Start saving, tell your dh you'd like a solo weekend away, book a hotel and and see how you go from there.

I met DH when I was 21, I do sometimes feel like I missed out on the opportunity to "do" any adult life alone, to make selfish decisions etc. I'm 40 now and yeah, sometimes it can be a bit boring. Having said that, I think that's on us, we have a tendency to focus on our kids and home and extended families and forget about each other, we need to make the effort to ensure that doesn't happen. We also have very few shared interests, he doesn't want to ski with me and I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than watch Motorsport, so we spend a lot of time doing stuff with friends. We do try to maximise our shared interests too though, so travel and cooking etc.

I've seen a few friends end their marriages over feeling unfulfilled over the past couple of years and my take is that the grass is really as green as it seems. Financially being single is hard, only seeing your kids half the time sucks balls and many of the kids hate being between two homes (some like it, to be fair, just not all of them), the dating pool in your 40's is grim, you're still going to have work and kids so not much real freedom to travel etc. Of course there's no right or wrong, but we've definitely decided to put more effort into each other recently after years of just acting like housemates and I think it's paying off.

You don't want a divorce, you want to live through your 20s again. Sorry, OP, that ship has sailed.

You can have free, unfettered travel, you just have to wait a few years until you can leave your kids behind. My parents did most of their travelling in their 50s onwards - the mortgage was paid off and they didn't have dependants.

In the meantime you can take solo weekends, or think about what's really bothering you. I suspect you have a case of "is this it?"

Spending time apart on things that interest you is normal and healthy in a relationship. If you aren't doing that, why not? And why isn't your husband?

Ending the marriage doesn’t change those constraints though. It just means you have to run two households with the same amount of money while your children move from home to home. Seeking fulfillment may be easier while still together.

I agree with @Wish44 and find @Thepeopleversuswork post strange. Being with the same partner for decades doesn't mean you can't have contact with other people. Yes, you get unhealthy relationships that are abusive but they're not the norm.

This is my view too. I think the mention of travel is a bit of a red herring (or a metaphor!). I think many people outgrow their relationships and it is weird that we see that as a bad thing - everyone should keep changing and growing throughout their lives. If you have grown apart, have a talk about what the future looks like.

That’s fine you but you are saying you haven’t fallen out of love? Surely if you don’t want to spend time together then it’s not about ‘wanting more’, because you both want that, the problem is you don’t want eachother. And that’s fair enough

More time apart might be what you need. So you can return to each other and have something to talk about.

The emotional grief, the upset to children, the financial implications of divorce do not necessarily equate to a happy separation. I'd work on improving things if you have a good man, a kind father. You haven't missed anything, you have what most people want.

It sounds OP like you don’t really want to fix it and be with him anymore. The good news is we live in a time when you can seperate and change your life. I did the same after a long relationship and I’ve never been happier. We only live once

The fact you’re having open conversations about the topic is great, keep that going.

Couples therapy could be something to help you because it sounds like you don’t hate each others guts and want to separate it just sounds like you both could use an outsiders input and professional help to get you to where you want to be.

You may not be able to travel far without the kids but start small, go out to the cinema together and for dinner, then book a night away somewhere. Start dating again.

Are there any hobbies either of you would really like to pick up? Have a think about somethings you both might want to do for yourselves and help each other make time for those.

It’s time to really step back and take stock of your life and think about what you want in it to make you happy and fulfilled. Downsizing so you have more money to travel? Both of you working fewer hours so you have more free time but would have to reign the spending in? Making sure you get in X amount of good quality family activities or trips a month?

The positive is that you’re talking and being open, keep it going.

Yes, but most of the time what brought people together in the first place is one of either a) sexual attraction or b) the desire to settle down and have children. Very few young adults think really strategically about compatibility in a long-term partnership.

Once the desire has faded and the children have grown up there's often very little holding the marriage together. Yes there are some couples who are genuinely compatible and many more who can muddle through and rub along well enough together because the marriage suits them.

But this is why so many women get frustrated and leave when they approach menopause. Once the driving factors that kept them together have fallen away (kids, sex, money), they often realise there's very little left and you don't get much out of it other than stability. You can try to reignite a relationship with someone who you fancied a lot when you were 20 but no longer really know, and it may work, but very often there's too much drift and you are too different.

Sometimes it's fine to keep going while accepting that you're no longer the same people, but you can't blame people for feeling that they might want more.

I do understand how having kids stops you travelling as you would in your 20's. You are basically having to pay for 4 adults prices and having to take 2 teens into account all the time. But I agree about seeing friends etc. Teens should be ok to not need 24 hours supervision. 40 something isn't that old either. I did a LOT of travelling/partying/seeing friends/unsuitable boyfriends in my 20's. I basically had an absolute blast. The result was that I am 53 and my youngest child is still only 14. However I don't feel like even at my old age that I can't go travelling again. I'm planning to be working for at least another 7 years for a start. One of my friends is the same- had her children in her late 30's/ early 40's. Now her and her husband have retired and her last child has just gone to University and they are always on some glamorous holiday or another.

None of my marriages were ever boring. Im a biker. They were bikers. There was always some trip, rally, band, holiday going on. Lots to do. We all had various hobbies as well.
They failed because the men were selfish and expected me to do and organise everything. I dont do the house maid thing. I expect everyone to pull their weight.
I dont understand why men expect to be waited on by women.
Boredom wasnt part of it. If you are bored think of something you really want to do and do it. Whether its bands, festivals, free swimming, dancing whatever. There is no excuse for boredom.

Okay, but if you split up you'll still have the kids and that responsibility for as long as you have it!

But to your question - do relationships sometimes fail because people just want more from life? Absolutely! I ended several relationships before I met DH because I wanted to spread my wings and have more experiences. I wanted to travel, live overseas and go out with other people. If I'd stayed with the BF I had at 18 my life experiences would've been really limited and I'd never have settled for that. It amazes me that anyone wants to, tbh.

I always think it must be quite a miserable marriage if you feel suffocated and like you can’t do anything just because you have a partner and children.

Financial constraints are one thing but having kids shouldn’t stop you from being able to go out, travel or see your friends/do your hobbies.

How can’t we? There is nothing either of us couldn’t do just because we’re married.

Being married doesn’t stop us doing anything People just like to use it as an excuse.

It may be because I'm a bit of a loner at heart but I think that's fine. Maybe if it's not terrible and the kids are teens wait a bit until they are more independent and do more things separately now ( I suppose as long as that doesn't mean shagging other people) Say once a week you can do a hobby each or have a night out, or a weekend away every 6 weeks each and see how it goes? The alternative is to b split and c spend no runner together at all and 50% of the the with the kids.

I think life gets in the way. People stop communicating and don't always grow together. If you love each other its worth working on.

You sound to me like you want out of the marriage now and you've made up your mind regardless of any advice on here. Whatever you do, I hope you find what you are looking for.