AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

What do you mean by "not right for each other anymore?".

If that's your issue, OP, it's not your marriage that's to blame, it's you.

Find something meaningful to do. Work on your marriage.

Your life won't become meaningful just because you leave your marriage.

Are you just bored of life then? What difference would separating make unless it's to see other people? I'm not sure I'd be I producing boyfriends into teenagers lives. They have enough on at that age!

Grass isn’t always greener, OP. You need to also be realistic about what life would look like on your own.

I love my husband. He’s steady, reliable, kind, makes me laugh. Life with him is nice. It can be boring and predicable at times for sure and those times can be hard. But do you know, I’ve seen so many of my friends separate from their crap husbands and struggle with the utter shite that is the dating scene in your 40s, having to split time with kids, money worries etc, and I’ve also seen them put up with crap like cheating etc because the thought of separating is too galling (or, more commonly, because the kids are tiny and they can’t bear the idea of handing them over to a sub-par parent 50% of the time).

These stories make me want to cling to my decent-but-sometimes-dull husband and never let him go.

Shame he didn't tell her where to go. She was lucky he had her back while she played around.

Yes, this is what I'm trying to get across (badly, obviously!).

Of course not all marriages are worth it and both partners do have to put the work and effort in, but this idea that a long-term relationship somehow doesn't require both parties to put some work in is alien to me.

This. It’s not so much about “working on it” but about recognising that good marriages do not just happen.

This thread is almost comically gloomy 😄

@monicaspurpledoor

It sounds like you and your husband are genuinely happy and suited.

I think it certainly can work but its a high risk gambit. I would be very worried if my daughter wanted to settle down with a childhood sweetheart.

I guess my point is that a lot of the time when people say they married super young and are still happy after 60+ years they don’t actually know how things could have turned out in other circumstances. So while a percentage of these people will genuinely be happy and compatible some certainly are settling or just don’t know any better and it’s too late to change.

The length of a marriage isn’t automatically a badge of its worth.

You're both bored and want more, why can't you do that together? I think marriages fail because if mismatched wants. If you both want something else, work on that.

@Thepeopleversusworkbecause you settle down with your first love doesn’t mean you haven’t encountered other people. I was with my husband 11 years before I married him and 16 years before we had our child.
In that time I’ve met a lot of people rushing into relationships and making rash decision. People being ‘love bombed’ and swept off their feet only to be heartbroken.
A lot of people just want to meet someone nice and have a family etc but people they meet don’t want to ‘settle’ or have anything serious.

I agree that I am in the minority and had even our parents saying when we were younger it’s a shame when we met young as they could see we were compatible with each other but well aware of how young we were.

To me I feel lucky to have found my person young and grow up together. As a community nurse I meet a lot of the older generation who have been together since they were young. I always ask their story and ask their advice. A few women had sh*y husbands and were glad when they died. A lot of them are happy.
Everyone is different.
But it is insulting when people generalise ‘settling’ with your first love, meaning you don’t know what the alternatives are. I definitely do..,,the alternatives are crap!

@moonbubblesdid you read the rest of what I said? Not just the first paragraph?

I wonder if by saying someone wants more, they mean they want different?

I think more and different are feelings that can't always be explained easily.

It sounds like you're a bit confused between regretting some life choices, and wanting to do some different stuff both within the marriage and outside it.

For instance you've referenced travel, but if you left the marriage, would you really have time and money to do more? Are you sure its the marriage that's dragging you down and not the responsibilities of kids / money?

I think a lot of people including me fantasise about just walking away from all the responsibilities, think about what life would be like if we hadn't had kids, if I was single etc. That doesn't necessarily mean you're with the wrong person.

Do you like it better when he is gone or when he is at home?

I think it depends. People do change over the years and what started out to be good compatibility might not be so much in later years.

Opposites somehow end up together someone who is outgoing and social maybe likes to travel a lot do different activities and then their spouse is a homebody wants to watch television and not go places
Differences in how to handle finances also matter differences and how housework is shared or not shared

I think these things are very common when people drift apart in those cases it's not really anyone's fault

I think you are picking up on an issue with early marriage. I did all sorts of fun stuff in my 20s, dated, lived with friends, lived and worked abroad, partied, slept in, totally focused on myself. I got married at 30. You absolutely can travel with children. My dc are early teens and I still travel, but you can’t live a totally selfish independent life with a family. Obviously, you chose to miss out on that life stage when most people are not settling down. Being divorced won’t fix that, but you will have more independence with older teens and young adults. Dh and I totally planning to go traveling again once youngest is off to uni.

To me (I have been with my husband since I was 14 and we’re now late 30s) and apart from other sexual partners I’m not sure on what I would have missed out on if I wasn’t with him.

If I had married the boy I dated at age 14 I would absolutely have felt I had missed out on life. We would have been divorced before I reached my mid 20s.

Just because settling down young worked for you, doesnt mean it is going to work for everyone. Surely you can see that?

But what if you want different things or your versions of 'more' aren't aligned any more?

The danger of settling down with someone from so young is the possibility of growing in different directions. Of course, that's always a risk in any relationship, but it's more likely if you meet, marry, have children much younger, before you are a fully formed person. Of course, this is only a danger, not a given.

To me (I have been with my husband since I was 14 and we’re now late 30s) and apart from other sexual partners I’m not sure on what I would have missed out on if I wasn’t with him.
We have separate friendship groups, been on lads and lasses holidays etc we have different interests but the core values are the same.
I wouldn’t have want to have lived by myself as I would hate that thought.
We were married at 25 and due to infertility we didn’t have our child until we were 30. In that time we had lots of holidays (separate and together).
We have had our peaks and troughs and struggles but my marriage has been my safe place. When he took poorly and ended up in hospital for a while that was when my world turned upside down as he is my constant.
I feel when you’re young you either grow up together or you don’t. Some people are very much enmeshed with each other that they don’t have outside interests or friendships.

i know a few people our age who are divorced. I know a few who have been together from late teens who seem (you never know) happy.

You both make a good point about young marriages. I'm scottish and in Scotland 16 and 17 yr olds can marry without parental consent. I think they have to have consent from parents in England? So many of these couples were divorced within a few years, having married between the ages of 16 to 20 yrs. But I think that's because of immaturity and rash decisions rather than not having looked around. Someone of 25 is more likely to have enough sense to make an informed decision to marry, and to wait to be sure. I think that's more important, regardless of whether it's the first or fifth partner. I have a friend who was afraid of missing out if she settled with any one man because she thought there might be a better one. She's now sad and alone and regrets not having stuck with one of her early boyfriends. FOMO was her downfall.

I think that society tells you very much that you're right for feeling that you can just split up because 'you're not happy'

Why not put together a plan of things that is creative and thrilling and different and bonding and exciting and share those experiences, learn again about each other.

People can obviously do what they feel they need to in terms of splitting up/divorce but I find splitting up for these 'meh' reasons is quite selfish and destabilising.

The invocation is often to "work at it", as if it's something which can be project managed.

Yes, "work at it" is really off-putting.

It makes it sound like a DIY project 🤣