AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

You can leave a marriage or relationship for any reason. Sometimes people change, sometimes what they want changes. It's unlikely two people
will change in the exact same way over many decades together. I suppose children and / or religious belief can keep people together longer than they might otherwise be but in the absence of those, I don't see much point in marriage. For what it's worth, im in a LTR but wouldn't choose marriage because I don't know if I'll feel the same in ten years' time and wouldn't lie to him and pretend otherwise. We get one shot and I want to live it my way, however that looks decade to decade.

Feel the opposite. That’s why I’m a fan of meeting abit later. Dh is amazing I love spending time with him we do loads of stuff all the time. The thought of settling with the boyfriends I had at 18/21 and 25 dear god nightmare! Either would have been bored to death or in a women’s refuge.

So good to read such a positive post on such a dreary thread.

This, times a million. I have a theory that many couples (myself included) are effectively in arranged marriages. Our relationships were arranged for us by our hormones, then we either grew to love each other deeply as time went on, or discovered that once the sexual bliss wore off we had little or nothing in common. By then we'd bought houses, had kids etc and we couldn't just 'pack him in' and go out next Saturday to meet someone new.

So here we are, pondering our choices and wondering if this is it for the rest of our lives. The only more I want is more personal choice and freedom, which I find is limited by sharing a house with another adult. I'd rather be entirely self sufficient but the maths don't work. I just buy lottery tickets and daydream.

The grass is always greener. Enjoy your marriage. You could split up and meet someone else who is secretly gay or is abusive towards you. Just enjoy the person you've got to know all these years. Look forward to a new chapter of travel when your DC are grown up!

Honestly you should be grateful you found your soul mate so soon in life. It's a positive. I got married at 24. First baby at 24. I was in a few relationships before marrying my husband but would have gladly not have if I had met my husband first. Married almost 20 years. I am more in love now with him than I was back then.

Look to the future with your husband and plan exciting stuff together. A wish list.

Really the last three or four years. It has gotten a bit worse as our oldest DC has some mental health issues, and has had a lot of problems with loneliness and isolation. It's maybe not totally rational but I feel that things would be much better for everyone if we relocated somewhere else with more opportunities - I really have no social life to speak of at all, pretty much everyone in our immediate area is elderly. I have pretty much resigned myself to letting go of a major career opportunity (potentially moving up to a six figure salary) as I don't feel I could do it with the way we are living now.

What about you?

Younger, 8 and 5.
How long have things been like this for you?
I think the birth of our 2nd was the turning point for us, has only gotten worse since really

What about swinging?

It’s never unreasonable to wonder about things!

At various points through life having someone you know well and love “by your side” can be ideal. Sometimes other things seem more important or it can feel suffocating.

Being human means thoughts and feelings change — sometimes for identifiable reasons sometimes for no reason.

There are ways to be both married and find the space to explore the world without your partner.

In my 20s I had a friend whose parents ran a business together. He told me they took different holidays with friends instead of each other. That sounded insane to me then (surely sharing down time was more enjoyable than work time?) but now I get it. If they work well together that’s amazing, but other people are also great and time with both is possible.

I hope you find changes or acceptance that work for you.

I'm a solo parent and have all the same constraints as you mention here, but no partner.

I think it is likely that unless you have some proper relationship counselling you are prime candidates for the post empty nester separation /divorce risk. That's what happened to my long marriage. We just slowly grew apart over the 40 years together, didn't want the same things, in life, had different values and priorities, didn't see an eventual happy retirement ahead . Once the children were grown up and were not around to dilute the boredom and feelings of discontentedness, and the increasing disconnection , I left. Not for it because of anyone else, but for my own sanity and mental wellbeing.

I certainly don't hate my ex, but couldn't face a retirement with him. We still see each other in small doses at regular family events. However I am significantly financially poorer, having left behind the matrimonial home. I have scraped together enough money to buy a small home with a nice garden but it's definitely tougher managing financially.on one pension rather than two.

My DH and I have been together for nearly 38 years. We were 20 (me) and 18 (him) when we got married. We’ve had our ups and downs, spent some years when our children were smaller being skint, times were hard, but we’ve grown together and those times actually cemented us and we both strove for more during those years as a team, happy with what we had, at the time but working hard for a better, more comfortable life.

Now, in our mid fifties, we are financially very secure, on the cusp of retirement, and we are stronger and more in love than we’ve ever been. We have separate hobbies but a main one that we do together. We get on brilliantly, we still laugh, enjoy each other’s company, do mundane things as a team, have an amazing sex life and are both very much contented with what we have and have achieved.

I’m not saying that it’s been easy and maybe there’s an amount of luck that we’ve had, in the sense that neither of us are really materialistic people, we’re very similar in our outlook on life and are happy with simple things that cost little to enjoy, we don’t hanker after expensive holidays for example and enjoy our gardens and allotment together - we have a campervan that we can take off in for a few days if we want a break for example. But he’s my best friend and I am his and after all these years together, yes - I really do think that for us it will be death is do part, but not because we’re stuck in a marriage. This is where we both want to be and we’re both very happy.

Maybe think about what the more is that you want.
could you travel, learn a language, take up a hobby, get a pet?

The grass is not greener and one of you will likely ‘lose’ but also why spend life unhappy? It’s far too short. If you think you will be happier apart then do it, but don’t just because you are bored. Single life and dating can be very lonely and very difficult, it isn’t just like sex with other people and you can never go back to what you have now. I get the temptation but honestly, what’s the point whilst you still have kids at home and you still care for each other?

You need to discuss what you both actually want out of life. Maybe you can find common ground. Grass isnt always greener.

Two teenagers - what about you?

I could of actually written your post. Hard isn't it! Do you have children?

I have read that couples who chose to do new things together are happier, that suits dh and I because we are always wanting to do new things - some people would find it uncomfortable or exhausting but we are always seeking the next new thing.

I left my husband because he had no aspiration. We met at 18 , married at 20 and divorced at 24 . I was very clear that coming from a poor background I wanted us to work hard and have a good living . He was a mechanic who was going to start his own garage , only he didn’t he never intended to .

Can relate - we live in a rural area which is extremely boring with no social life, and we no longer even sleep in the same bed. The idea that this is all there might be to life from now on makes me want to scream.

I think it might mean sex with no strings.

This!
Be careful what you wish for!
Fresh sex with someone else doesn't stay fresh for long and brings more problems.
Embrace what you have OP and build on it together. You can both try things together and separately.

Also people change, think of yourself are you the same as you were 10, 20 years ago. Hopes, goals etc all change.