AIBU to think some marriages fail because people want more from life?

I think people change a lot as they age. 18 is very young and your personality isn’t fully formed. Chances are that by 40, you will be a completely different person and want different things. Maybe you’ll remain compatible, but a lot of couples don’t.

From what I’ve observed, 40s is prime time for divorce. I think something fundamental shifts in who we are as people as we get older.

Well yes if you meet a great friend with whom you had a deep connection that’s a win/win.

I think the point is that most people don’t: at that age they aren’t looking for a friend, they are looking for romance/passion/excitement. They don’t have the insight or the self discipline to realise this is fleeting and not a good basis for a relationship.

Or they are just desperate to get married and have children and they take what they can get.

I got to the age of 22 before I met anyone who was even decent enough to treat me properly, let alone who I was compatible with mentally or emotionally. I don’t think I am that unusual either.

How would separation help that?

My DP and I have been together since we were 17, we are 64 now.
We decided not to have children and not to upgrade the house (small terraced in London) the house got slowly more cluttered and I felt i needed a break- so I bought a tiny flat in the Cotswolds and retreat there when I need some me time or the house in London feels too cramped. This solution has worked well for us, and we are now spending a lot of time in the Cotswolds together.
When you have been with the same person for so long it is important to keep a hold of who you are on your own,and have interests and and time for yourself, or depression can set in.

Isn't this an argument for settling with a great friend with whom you have a deep connection, even if you meet young? It might be the only time it happens for you. Sometimes it never happens for people. Reading a lot of stuff on this thread gives the impression that many people think you should wait in case something better comes along and that settling too early will lead to 'what if?' type of regrets. I met my one and only at 17, married at 23, have now been married 39 yrs and am every bit as happy as when we first got together.

From a young age I always questioned marriage from a political perspective as well as a personal one. It seemed natural to me to do so and, on reflection, that was really advantageous!

Thanks for sharing this. Very interesting.

oh yes I've don't know why I read most! Apologies! My parents had an arranged marriage 50+ years ago. My parents generation of family is divided into arranged and non arranged marriages. Weirdly, my dad's 2 sisters both rebelled and married after falling in love. One was a disaster and the other one was long and happy. My dad and his brother had arranged marriages. Again together until death. I would say my parents were mismatched and largely unhappy but my uncle was happy but who knows really what goes on. My generation had one arranged and the rest of us not arranged. A mix really of divorces and unhappy and plodding along with the one arranged still going and seemingly happy, so who knows? From what I know of modern ' arranged' marriages is that they are introductions and then the couple has a choice. Obviously in some communities there is coercion, honour based violence, cousin marriage etc and that needs to be really shut down with absolutely no ' cultural sensitivities' taken into account. But that's on a tangent really. I think you end up in the same place because the person you marry is rarely the person you end up with 20 years later in both cases. You don't know how they will change, what influences they will pick up, what they will be like as co parents, health issues etc.

You have made a deliberate and conscious choice to settle so that you have some of what you wanted. That's fair enough although I think under 30 is young to settle. In your shoes, I wouldn't have married either because your relationship isn't what I see as the full package. You'll never know whether you missed out on something better. I agree it's hard to find. I waited until I was over 40 because I didn't want to settle.

I suppose since I'm older now I see more of the reality than what I wished it would have been

It seems that men is mostly about physical attraction to them and many of them see us as interchangeable if they are attracted to us and they like the services we provide that's it. Older couples the man will say I knew the first time I saw her she was the one

I was very attracted to my first husband but not so much my second husband even though my second husband used to be my best friend

@Frillysweetpea

I'm amazed the number of people who seem to have married on the back of sexual attraction only. I always thought marriage was about finding a deep friendship and connection as well as great sex. Very surprised anybody would tie the knot without being sure of this. I'm not being smug; I know friendships can break down and good friends can realise they have unhealthy dynamics but I'd have been terrified to commit to someone without feeling a connection beyond the sex.

Come off it... most people in their late teens/early 20s don't have the cognitive or emotional tools to know what they want to do in six weeks' time, let alone visualise what they will want from life in their 50s or 60s. They are driven to a large extent by their hormones and to a lesser extent by pressure from society (including parents and peers) as to what they should be doing. Including, for many women, having babies as soon as possible because they've found someone and are "in love".

Some will think about things like long-term compatibility but a lot of young people are impulsive, selfish and short-termist. I don't want to sound overly cynical but if I think of what drove me and my friends when I was 20 it wasn't financial stability or compatibility of intellect or finding someone reliable. Maybe we were outliers but I just don't think people that young know themselves that well.

Also things change. You might really want to focus on having babies at 24 but find at 44 that you want to restart your career. You might go off sex and want a marriage which is primarily about similar intellect. You might want more sex and want an open relationship. You might want to travel and find your spouse is an agorophobic homebody. A lot of these things are simply impossible to predict when you're 18, 24. They're not failsafe to predict at 30, but you will have enough life experience to know what you don't want, and hopefully have a bit of financial stability behind you.

That's as may be but, on a thread that, by its very nature, attracts posters with less positive experiences, there's a tendency to start thinking marriages are doomed to become pale shadows of what they promised. It's refreshing to come across the opposite.

I'm not married, but in 27 year LTR. I met my DP in my late twenties, having had disappointing relationships previously. He was never my best friend or someone with whom I had a deep connection, but he was a nice guy and I really fancied him. Of course I wish my partner was a great, close friend who understood me on a deeper level but where would I meet that person? Years of dating never took me anywhere near that specification. I was nearing thirty and hoping to have a family one day - so I went for the best available option. I'm lucky in that DP is great around the house, is a fantastic dad etc and a thoroughly decent person. Others have been less lucky. But I can't rekindle a spark that never existed, or rebuild bonds that we never had. We're co workers now, not really anything more.

@Idontpostmuch

So good to read such a positive post on such a dreary thread.

Why is it dreary though? I don't think it's dreary to admit that not all marriages need to be forever. I think it's quite liberating to know you're not trapped forever. Obviously marriages ebb and flow and many come back from the brink, and obviously people should try to make them work if they can.

But I don't believe that prolonging a miserable marriage should take priority over the personal happiness of the two individuals in the marriage.

I'm amazed the number of people who seem to have married on the back of sexual attraction only. I always thought marriage was about finding a deep friendship and connection as well as great sex. Very surprised anybody would tie the knot without being sure of this. I'm not being smug; I know friendships can break down and good friends can realise they have unhealthy dynamics but I'd have been terrified to commit to someone without feeling a connection beyond the sex. My whole sense of stability from the relationship is founded on the friendship and deeper levels of connection I felt and continue to feel.

Agree. I think the solution varies from situation to situation; many marriages are "good enough" for people to stay in and leaving isn't worth the candle, but many really are not and I don't believe in "toughing it out" just for the sake of it if you're bored or miserable.

Overall though I think marriage is (legally and financially) often using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. It's important to have some stability when the children are being raised, and it shouldn't be easy to do a midnight flit at that point. But I do think legally there could be some levers which make it easier for people to adjust things in mid-life so they don't face this huge financial burden.

So, OP has now dripfed that 'there are other factors at play here also that I'm not getting into'. This is such an annoying thing that people do on Mumsnet. How on earth can we possibly advise without knowing all the factors?
However, she also has added that whilst she loves him they don't share the same interests or want to do anything together. I'm not sure I'd call that marital love. It sounds like care and respect for a decent co-parent but marital love should involve a degree of both excitement and contentment however long you've been together. Not constantly, of course, but I am always excited to see my husband if we've been apart and often experience contentment, particularly when we are having down time - we enjoy the same things and have very similar tastes. That's alongside the usual amount of irritation and bickering that comes from having to cohabit with anyone, of course! If @AmItheoddone doesn't have that I think her marriage is done. I'd separate amicably and remain on friendly terms. I was going to write 'and retain a friendship' but I dont think they have that; if they did their marriage would be salvageable.

@MoonDancer1 Thanks for pointing this out. I actually said 'many', not 'most', but actually I have no real basis for believing that. Very pleased to learn it's very rare. I hadn't realised that marriage at 16 and 17 with parental consent was no longer possible. I'm from Scotland and anyone of 16 or older could always marry regardless of what their parents thought. No idea if it's the same now.

I agree with most of v this but can I point out "most" arranged marriages are not forced. Most people ( including women) can say no. A minority- too large a minority but still a minority are forced, which is thankfully now, illegal. Especially since the removal of the right to marry at 16 with parental ' permission'.

While I agree with this, it sometimes isn't that simple. My husband loathes family holidays and prefers going away alone. This means he uses up a lot of annual leave and there isn't much left over. Then he used to get very upset that if I want to go away with the kids that I'm leaving him out. I would have loved to move to a nicer area and have a different lifestyle that we could have easily afforded but he point blank insisted on staying here, he doesn't love our house but hates change. I went back to university and had a massive career change and was really proud of myself, he wouldn't go out to dinner to celebrate my graduation or me getting a new job. I just realised that he was a big fun sponge and it eroded so much joy from my day to day life. It got to the point that I didn't like telling him anything.
Now we are separated I can't afford as a single mum to travel or go out to dinner but at least the is on my terms.

I think you need to be looking forward not backwards. Look at the lives of people slightly older than you that have split up or stayed together. That's going to be closer to what you can expect than the life of a carefree childless 25 year old.

Is this about regretting pasts you didn't have? Because there's nothing you can do about that now, you can never go back and be that 18 year old spending six months on a beach in Bali now, life doesn't work that way. Even if you and your DH separated, you would always be worrying about the kids, what they were up to, did they have the right/enough equipment or money that they needed...

I wonder if you're looking at life through tinted glasses because you are in the real thick part of parenting and it sounds as though everyone else is having a better time. If you really love each other, what's wrong with gritting your teeth, getting the kids off to uni or independent lives, and making plans for what you will do with all that new freedom you will have then? It's not like your kids are preschool and you have a long time to wait.

Interesting. That's one of the reasons given for arranged marriages in other cultures - that parents are mature, know their children and choose with their heads, not their hearts. So that's effectively saying that young people are being ruled by their hormones and entering into less desirable arranged marriages of their own choosing? Of course the reality is that many arranged marriages are actually forced marriages, and horrendous, and then you have Charles and Diana - enough said! The famous successful arranged marriage was that of Victoria and Albert, but the last laugh was on the authorities. They thought they would be easy to manipulate but they hadn't bargained on their falling in love, joining forces and standing up to them, effectively becoming problem children.

What "more" do you get from divorcing your partner? Having sex with other people sure but you don't suddenly have a better job and a more glamorous life.
You could have children who are very bitter about a divorce. Who no longer want to see you. You might not find another partner and have years ahead of loneliness and Christmasses for 1.
Obviously you shouldn't stay in an abusive marriage. But the OP says they do still have love for their partner its just that they've grown apart.
As I said I guess my friends and I are all lucky that we have great loving husbands that we want to do things with.