AIBU not to send birthday or Christmas presents or cards to anyone after the death of my daughter.

I think you have suffered the worst imaginable loss and if you were my friend I'd give you all the time in the world. If I thought sending me a card was distressing for you, its the last thing I'd want you to do. Just tell people what you've said here if you can. Those who care for you will understand.

I’m so sorry for your loss, what an unimaginably awful thing to go through. Honestly I wouldn’t expect anyone to bounce back from the sudden loss of a daughter at such a young age in a year or two or ever, really. I would expect absolutely everyone to understand and it won’t even cross their minds to wonder where their card is. I bet they will all wish they could do something to lighten your grief just a fraction.

Do reach out to your DD’s goddaughter. No one will think anything of you singling her out. Perhaps it might give you a little comfort, and no one would deny you that. Best wishes

After my DH died, my world crashed, and I didn’t want to do anything. But, I did, for other people.🤷‍♀️

But, if you don’t want to,then don’t.

Condolences on your loss. 🌺

I lost my husband in Springtime several years ago.
I did send Christmas cards that year, but just put 'love, Cornflake' as I just couldn't write anything else. Someone got in touch to say had they offended me as I'd not written much in their card?
How soon people forget.

This is also how I see it. I am so sorry this happened to you.

Oh @Ella31what a horrific thing to go through. I'm so so sorry xx

I'd notice it, feel sad for you and if the children noticed I'd explain it to them that it doesn't mean a lack of love. Just that you are too sad to celebrate right now. Don't be surprised if some people don't send you cards either though. We had this last year with our neighbour whose wife died. The conversation

'Should we send H a card? '

'No! The man's wife just died, we can't give him a fucking card with Happy Christmas on it!'

'But I don't want him to think we don't care.'

It's a minefield and sometimes people don't know what's appropriate.

LittleMissFooled

God parents perform different roles. Some babysit, maybe one visits the child, maybe one prays for them.

Maybe they feel differently about being a God parent. I think it's ok for children to learn they don't always get the same things from the same people at the same time.

I am not related to any of my God children.

We attend church and my younger God daughter is there too. So, I see a lot of her. Much less of the others.

It would be different for relatives like grandparents or aunties. But this is not the case.

"As you only send at Christmas, it may not be so obvious as there are many other presents to unwrap, however, I don’t think it would kill you to send a selection box or something to include all kids."

As time has gone by we aim to get a game (board or card game) that could be shared. It certainly would not kill me to buy selection boxes but I don't think that is needed.

For me being a God parent is a commitment to be in the lives of those 5 people, the oldest is now 40 and has 4 kids of her own. One of her family members said I have been there for all the key things in life (sadly, not true) but that is more for me what being a God parent is.

I think the key thing is what does being a God parent mean to the OP. And does she feel a special connection to this child.

If OP wants to somehow take over that relationship to honour her daughter, I think that is lovely. But, again, not essential.

OP do what you can. Not what you can't.

Tinkergirl I am so sorry for your loss.

LittleMissFooled

"It broke my heart watching one of my children not receiving a present, so much so, I used to go buy him something to open ready for when my DD’s present arrived. I’d pretend both were sent. So either give to all kids or give to none."

"I love my cousin dearly, but I regret asking her to be my DDs godmother as she always left my son out. I would like her to send two gifts or send none at all."

Why don't you tell the cousin that? She might understand.

I don’t agree with this. I have three children and they receive presents from their god parents but their siblings don’t (they have different god parents).
I have never questioned this!
the god parent is god parent to that child not to the siblings.

I’m so sorry to hear of your unimaginable loss. In the circumstances you can only do what you feel is right for you. I really like the phrase someone mentioned before, those who matter won’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.

Dear op I'm so sorry for your loss - sending huge love.

I’m so sorry for your loss of your talented daughter. I understand your pain as I lost my son to suicide 2 years ago and since then I’ve only sent cards when I actually felt I wanted to. If anyone judges me then tough, this is me now.
But in the cards I do send, I add a heart with my son’s initial after our signatures so he’s still part of it. Sending you much love

So sorry for your loss. I can’t see anyone thinking badly of you for not sending a card or gift.
In terms of her goddaughter could you send a family gift like a board game or a voucher for a treat. Or perhaps just save some money and gift when she’s 18.

In Ireland there was always a well recognized practice of not sending cards for a year after a death.
The sending of Christmas cards was such an accepted practice that people would put notices in local papers explaining that they wouldn't send cards due to bereavement.
I think everyone will accept that you do what works for you, getting through the day can be difficult let alone anything else.

Op first off I am so sorry for the untimely loss of your beloved daughter 💐 I wouldnt mind at all and if someone does, they're nobody I would want in my life anyway OP. You have gone through every parents worst nightmare. Right now all that matters is you get from day to day and look after yourself and your mental health.

Follow your own schedule and just do what you feel like. Your daughter's goddaughter, can you send her a gift that the whole family can enjoy, like a game or something similar?

What you need to get through.

If you are still concerned about giving to Goddaughter maybe do it for birthday, not Christmas. Mum can explain it’s GD birthday not the other child.

There is no timetable for grief. The devastation of losing a child will echo through your life in ways that can't be predicted or dictated by manners or conventions.

Perhaps you could start off by sending people text message birthday greetings, or using a service like moonpig.com, to convey your good wishes and love to the people who are dear to you in a way that feels totally different from what you used to do before the loss of your daughter?

@LadyMacbethWasFierceI’m so terribly sorry for your loss.

I promise you that your friends won’t be offended by you not sending a Christmas card. If you do receive a card, you can text to thank the sender and apologise for not sending one as you are still finding it too hard to send Christmas cards without signing your DD’s name and without her illustrations ❤️‍🩹. They will understand

No one is keeping tally or score over this I promise you. When something is so emotionally huge for you it can make you assume it occupies as much space for other people too, but really it does not

You can maintain friendships and be a good friend without sending a Christmas card

I'm so sorry for your grievous loss, OP . My mum, with dementia now, gets upset and anxious that she can't send cards and buy gifts any more, it is just too much for her to deal with. I keep reassuring her that no one cares about cards and presents, they love and care for her so much more than a card/gift. I believe the people around you will think exactly the same. Please put your worries aside and continue to work through your grief.

One gives people in grief their own way. Thinking of you.

You do whatever makes you feel less bad. To quote Dr Seuss: Those who matter don’t mind and those who do mind, don’t matter.

I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Please do what is right for you and don’t dwell on what people may or may not think. You really do not have to explain yourself to anyone.
Continuing to send cards and buy for your daughter’s God-daughter is a lovely idea.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

One of my close friends lost her 5 year old son 8 years ago. I dont expect her to send Christmas cards even now, 8 years later.

Whatever you want to do is ok. Your first priority right now should be you.