Resentment over benefits and household costs when I am sole earner

He sounds like a mean, revolting deadbeat. He’s given up on himself and his life. He is so monumentally greedy and selfish that I can’t see you being any worse off if you tell me him to fuck off. What a cunt.

@AnnoyedAsAllHeckit is rather more complex than you imagine. PIP is to cover the extra costs of disability for ‘normal’ costs whilst ESA/UC contribute (in a family situation) to normal costs. So ESA/UC goes into the pot but contributions from PIP are calculated on the basis of additional cost. For example, it is necessary to calculate the average cost of electricity for the number of people/size of property and then compare this to the cost to your family. If the average cost is £90 a month but your family spends £150 due to the disabled person being at home all the time/appliances etc then £60 per month is legitimate disability cost and met via PIP. ATM it is not necessary to forensically detail all additional costs but there are situations where this is necessary and an appointee can be asked to justify spending.

It should never be the case that the funds of those receiving PIP are absorbed fully into household costs such that there is no funding to meet the additional costs of disability. The desire to do this is increased by cost of living increases and the unfortunate disability of what was the family main earner but is mismanagement of funds.

My ex used to have our son’s disability benefits paid into an account he controlled and spent it all as if it were his own money and there was never anything left over for DS’s needs. One winter he forgot to order oil - he restricted our use of heating oil despite DS being housebound - but this was a new low. 3 weeks in a draughty old farmhouse with no heating. But ex was ok because he could work from the office. I transferred payments into my sole account and made sure PIP was ringfenced to meet my son’s needs.

PIP is not payable to all but awarded on an individually assessed basis to those who qualify. It should not be treated as compensation to the family of those disabled.

Our household income / set up is the same, but all the money is pooled. All bills etc are budgeted for including annual bills and any debt payments or savings. As part of the budgeting we each have an amount of pocket money per week to spend on what we like.

Tell him his money is to directly go into the shared bank account, whatever is left over is spilt. Hes being selfish.

No- there is no “his” money. It goes in the pot. He also needs to do a bit more at home. I say this as someone who is disabled and relys on benefits now.

OP hasn't mentioned her DH has any problems cognitively though. He is just tired and doesn't feel that well. That would make it difficult to work but if physically able to walk dogs, cook, clean and do DIY not sure how eligible for pip if okay cognitively.

I don’t agree with that just because someone can walk a dog they can work. I know 3 people off the top of my head that could walk a dog but cannot work. Such as a family friend’s son (in his 40s) that has learning difficulties, no way could he navigate working with other people, processing information etc. You may not be able to do a simple sum but can walk a dog. A neurological condition may well cause someone not to be able to learn, process information, retain any information and therefore work.

Maybe there aren’t many advertised jobs for dog walkers where he lives? Is it a common job? 🙄

Just because someone can walk doesn’t mean they don’t have many other limitations that affect their ability to work.

Some disabilities are invisible.. maybe he has been disfigured and can't face the public or maybe he has IBS and can't go without the loo for any length of time.

He needs to transform from a Charlie chillhead to a Charlie hustle. Ring local takeaways and see if they need delivery drivers then send him out 4 X a week. If he doesn't like it suggest he comes up with his own side hustle.

The only way to play this is all the money goes into the joint pot, essentials are paid and the rest is split fifty fifty. If he wants more than that then it would be divorce. And see how he copes without your salary.

I was going to say that if he can walk the dogs, why can't he work???

@cornflakecrunchie but there not obliged to come back sometimes a post just blows up and it can be overwhelming when you are already struggling did the op not want your opinion. Op that’s there prerogative I just think if someone needs help don’t judge them for not coming back or doing what posters say.

@Pessismistic My day hasn't been ruined at all, I just don't know why posters ask for help & then disappear. We all try to help them & I think it's somewhat rude for them then to ignore us.
Either that or they do come back but give a million different reasons why they can't LTB etc.. can't help some people, I guess.

Food, shelter, clothing, water and electricity all help him live a more normal life and he should be paying for some of it.

DH and I have a similar age different , though slightly older so he's now past retirement age, having previously been on DLA etc.
We've always had separate finances, but agreed from the word go who was paying for what in proportion to what we have coming in...
So for example, he's always paid gas, electric, mobile phones, sky, most of the food bills etc and I pay the rent and the council tax.
It sounds like you need to sit down and work out a % contribution so that it's fairer whilst also acknowledging it's no point leaving him with no money for himself or leaving you with no personal money x

@cornflakecrunchie has your day been ruined by this. I think you need to remember people just want advice they don’t have to accept it or even agree but no need to say op is not coming back. No one knows what she’s going through.

@Pessismistic & @Bababear987
... and, I was right.

We have the same age gap but as in my earlier post all our income is pooled. My DH has severe conditions too, mainly from military service, but absolutely sees all he gets as replacing as far as it can what he used to be able to earn.

It's not his money, it's household income. His ESA is supposed to be a work replacement benefit when unfit for work (regardless of it being less than earnings would have been) and his PIP is for costs arising from his condition. In his circumstances he needs to see this as replacing his earnings. In your joint circumstances your household income should be pooled fairly. I am the breadwinner in my house as my DH is severely disabled, his military related benefit and pension are pooled with my salary for all our expenses. There is no mine and his.

Have you asked him why your money is family money and his money is his own money? What’s his justification for that?

I'm so sorry. Your poor husband. That must be devastating for him and for everyone who loves him. It sounds like the OP's husband's condition is not as disabling as that if he can walk the dog and go shopping at Lidl.

And you stay with.him because???????????????????

You can’t claim carers allowance if you earn over £204 a week and you have to care for the person 35 hours a week.

The fact that your DH was a high earner but you rent & he has no pension ( other than state tells me he’s probably always been a spender with poor financial skills. Now he has less to live on but wishes to carry on squandering cash in gadgets etc. Not fair on you. All money into joint account, bills paid & then an equal amount of spending for both is the only fair way. And try to save a little too. Even £100 pm adds up & gives a buffer if washing machine/car breaks down.