Should I agree to my Dad’s unreasonable demand to get the train to his birthday?

He’s 90. Just fib and say you got the train. 👍

A request made due to some unclear anxiety is not trying to control. It was a request because he has some concerns about her driving. Quite why is unclear.
It wasn’t an instruction or command she cannot ignore if she wished.

Re-reading your original post, it sounds as if you’re driving by yourself and possibly will be dark when you’re driving home. Your Dad is probably anxious because he’s been reading hearing about the recent joy-riding crashes on the motorway. I’d humour him, especially if it’s out of character.

Drive, and lie if directly asked - otherwise you don't need to say anything.

It doesn't actually matter why he's asked you. Ultimately it's quicker, easier, safer, cheaper and your choice to drive. But also there's no point in upsetting a 90-year-old hence my "lie if you have to" stance.

Sounds like what he’s worried about is you driving home alone late at night. Could you stay over and drive back the next day?

No, but if he has been an good dad it may entitle him to kindness.

I am no expert but this does sound like a possible very early dementia symptom - my own dad used to get sudden unlikely anxiety over fairly normal stuff when he first started to get unwell.

If this is the case, I would suggest lying. Just to be kind. As dementia develops, you just have to go along with their fantasies in some instances, when not to do so is cruel.

Obviously I really hope I am wrong on this.

Drive to the train station and park your car there and pretend you’re driven. Your Dad is 90, humour him on this. Otherwise his party will be ruined with him fretting with you driving home.

I’d drive and tell him afterwards if he asks you. If he doesn’t, I wouldn’t volunteer the information. If you’re asked again between now and the event, say you’re still looking into all the logistics (which is kind of true). I’m not a fan of lying.

Has he always been like this? Could be the start of cognitive decline. My dad got very anxious suddenly and it was the first rumblings of early onset Lewy Body dementia.

Being 90 does not give anyone the right to control other people's lives.

Drive but don't lie.
Explain you don't feel safe in the dark ok your own - he'd be putting you in danger.

I’d drive if I were you. Trains and train stations are not places you want to be on your own late at night. Park a little distance away when you arrive at your dad’s and he need never know.

If this was me I would feel anxious waiting around on a lonely station platform and walking back to my car the other end in the dark late at night. I think I would explain that whilst me driving might make him anxious, me not driving and having to do the aforementioned things would make me anxious and I would feel safer by far in my car. The other potential problem is that this might set a precedent if you give in to his fears and he will expect you to never drive to his again. You say he has 'most' of his marbles, do you think he may be losing a few more as this really isn't rational?

I would just turn up, you’ve told him you’ll go by train but I wouldn’t go out of my way to tell him I’m driving, I also wouldn’t lie, you are an adult and can make your own choices. When you arrive just say you came by car.

Did he say why he was worried about you driving ?
He may not even remember he asked you to get the train.

I would have told him that it's more unsafe for me to be taking the train home alone in the dark and walking to my car from the station - not necessarily true, but it's the language he's speaking.

You need to prioritise your safety over his feelings, so you should drive.

It's absolutely fine to lie in this instance.

Can you park the car a few minutes away from his house?

Is he the type to demand to see your train ticket?

Depends why he wants you to drive. If he wants to celebrate his birthday with a drink and doesn't want you to drink and drive, it's a reasonable request. If he's hoping you'll 'accidentally' miss the last train so he gets to spend more time with you, that's also reasonable (silly for him to go about it this way, but I can understand the thinking behind it). If he's just worried about you driving in general, I would say no, you are going to drive because it's cheaper and more efficient.

Why would you give him the gift of lies for his 90th birthday?

You need to find a better solution for normal visits, but this is what he wanted for his 90th.

Is it night driving rather than day driving that worries him? Maybe on other occasions you only see him during the day?

Strange how he only worries about you driving on this one occasion, yet presumably you drive to different places every other day? Why doesn't he care then? Obviously that's a bit of a mean rhetorical question, but it highlights the slight absurdity of his request.

I’d agree to get the train but then drive and tell him you missed the only train when you arrive.

Is he going to give you some money or make an announcement and thinks you’ll want to celebrate with a glass of fizz?

Feeding anxiety makes it worse!

Did you ask him why? Perhaps he has had a premonition. Could you split the difference by driving to a station and getting the train for the final stop?

But this day is not about you. So what gift are you getting him for very possibly his last birthday op? When you are refusing to give him what he actually wants.
Personally I'd tell him he's being over cautious, but as it's his birthday you will do what he's asked.