Should I agree to my Dad’s unreasonable demand to get the train to his birthday?

Can you say you don't think it'll be safe going back on the train on your own? Promise him you'll drive carefully and stay well within the speed limit and will avoid rush hour.

Oh it's a shame the train was cancelled! You had to drive...

If you agree to take the train this time, you're going to be committed to taking the train every time you visit him 'in case he's anxious'. Then what happens if he phones you up and doesn't want you driving to work any more because it makes him anxious? Or going for days out?

Drive. You are not the slave of his unreasonable demands. I wouldn't even discuss it.

"It doesn't matter dad. I'm here now."

You cannot set yourself on fire to keep another person warm.

You've got a long commute and work tomorrow. And far less safe to be standing in a station late into the night.

I’d tell him it’s not safe for you to get the train that late at night so it is car or you don’t come- unless he wants to pay for 2x Ubers

Travel in the most convenient way to you, and be honest. Nobody gets to dictate this stuff.

It's not beyond the realms of possibility that the train could be cancelled/have engineering works etc., @Janefx40

Would he prefer you to miss his birthday if, that were indeed the case?

A lot of older people won't go out after dark at all because of vision limitations. One of the reasons I would like to have BST year round is I think it would reduce the period of time where some older people will not go out beyond lunchtime or at least mid-afternoon.

I don't think you should lie. Could you go earlier in the day?

Tell him lurking round stations late at night is far more dangerous than driving. Or drive and lie. I think it's never unreasonable to lie when someone else is being a twit. Who gets hurt. If you lie, you stay safe and he doesnt worry. . It's a no brainer. And who are you satisfying if you dont lie? The great lying detectors in the sky ? Who cares.

Anxiety can be a sign of cognitive decline fyi. Especially if it’s out of character.
Just drive.

i think it might be because it will be dark

Which is all the more reason I would feel safer in my car, getting in to it outside his house or the restaurant, than I would having to get to the station, wait at the station, be on the train with strangers, go through the station at the other end, get home from the station.

If it helps him relax, then just say you are coming on the train, then if he asks on the day, just say it couldn't work when you looked at timings, etc so you changed your mind last minute and brought the car.

I would drive, and whether you lie about it or not is up to you.

You usually drive there and have done the journey safely presumably, and you say the request is 'unlike him'. It does seem to be an irrational request and I would suspect cognitive decline, and if that's the case I would lie. There is no point trying to rationalise away his fears because you won't win, but equally it is not a rational request so you have no reason to follow it.

I'd want my memories of his 90th birthday to be of me doing as he asks. Just get the train.

I think it’s more risky on the train platform in the dark!

how do you normally see him - would you normally drive?

I wouldn’t lie but explain that that train is actually worse for you.

@MrsBatshitRatshit "Being 90 does not give anyone the right to control other people's lives."

You don't know what the word control means. This was a request obviously made out of some kind of concern for his daughter. Very elderly people get frightened about mortality for pretty obvious reasons and he's 90 for god sake. It's the OP's decision of course but I'd like to think most normal people would handle it in a much kinder way than you clearly would.

I would drive and not lie, assuming he doesn't have dementia and is still rational.

What he's asking is really unreasonable, and once you do it (or once you lie that you've done it) then it will become the expectation every single time. And it will feed his anxiety, in a way, because there will be fewer and fewer examples of you driving safely and being fine, iyswim.

(If he seems to be getting dementia - and this does sound like an irrational request, so it's worth considering - then I would probably drive and lie. Because there would be no point trying to have a rational discussion about it.)

I’d drive and lie about it tbh, it’s not worth upsetting a 90 year old (on his birthday at that).

In this situation it's fine to drive and not mention it.

Can you drive to his local station and park?

Just drive. Lie to him or don’t lie to him but drive instead of the train nonsense.

Just drive. Don't tell him beforehand so he doesn't worry. If he asks say you had to work in the morning and didn't have time to get the train

Kindness (i.e. travelling by train in the dark) shouldn't come at the expense of OP's safety, and she feels safer in a car.

How do you usually get there? Why is he anxious about you driving this visit when presumably hasn’t been previously?

I’m on the side of a white lie though.

Dont lie.

Understand why he is so worried about you driving; if its a premonition then you have a problem, if its that he just worries because he doesnt like you driving explain the safety aspects of driving (waiting alone at the station etc) so that you dont have to lie.