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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I agree to my Dad’s unreasonable demand to get the train to his birthday?

165 replies

Janefx40 · 04/09/2026 15:03

Never done an AIBU before but hopefully not too contraversial.

My Dad is turning 90 next week. Still has most of his marbles if that’s relevant. I’ve taken the afternoon off to spend with him and we’re having dinner in the evening.

He rang last night to beg me not to drive but get the train - he kept saying “please agree, just for me, because I’ll be so anxious otherwise” (very much not like him to talk like this). I usually drive. It is motorways but not that far.

it takes 45 mins to drive. It takes 90 mins to 2 hours to get the train and costs me £40! Not to mention that I then have to stand in a station late at night and walk back to my car in the dark!!!

I have reluctantly agreed - he’s only 90 once but it slightly screws up my day (was going to work in the morning but this would eat into the time - but it is possible to take it off).

My brother thinks I should lie and drive. My partner thinks I should just openly refuse to get the train and should drive.

Am I being unreasonable to agree to my Dad’s request?

You are being unreasonable and should drive (tell him or lie either way)

you are NOT being unreasonable to agree to get the train just this once.

OP posts:
Dalston · 06/09/2026 19:03

Janefx40 · 04/09/2026 15:03

Never done an AIBU before but hopefully not too contraversial.

My Dad is turning 90 next week. Still has most of his marbles if that’s relevant. I’ve taken the afternoon off to spend with him and we’re having dinner in the evening.

He rang last night to beg me not to drive but get the train - he kept saying “please agree, just for me, because I’ll be so anxious otherwise” (very much not like him to talk like this). I usually drive. It is motorways but not that far.

it takes 45 mins to drive. It takes 90 mins to 2 hours to get the train and costs me £40! Not to mention that I then have to stand in a station late at night and walk back to my car in the dark!!!

I have reluctantly agreed - he’s only 90 once but it slightly screws up my day (was going to work in the morning but this would eat into the time - but it is possible to take it off).

My brother thinks I should lie and drive. My partner thinks I should just openly refuse to get the train and should drive.

Am I being unreasonable to agree to my Dad’s request?

You are being unreasonable and should drive (tell him or lie either way)

you are NOT being unreasonable to agree to get the train just this once.

I think your Dad has had a dream or some such prescient experience that you will have a terrible accident on the way. I would definitely get the train, I wouldn’t even think about driving. Also your Dad is very old so just do as he asks.

diddl · 06/09/2026 19:00

I'm guessing you can't drive & stay over?

So a train is safer in the dark than a car?

But you also still have to drive in the dark albeit not far?

And that drive would be risk free because?

Favouritefruits · 06/09/2026 18:54

Drive and lie or drive and just don’t talk about the journey or then you’re not lying! At 90 if it puts his mind at ease you going on the train just appease him!

Lizchapman · 06/09/2026 18:53

If he’s not usually like this I’d actually listen to him and get the train on this occasion.

Noglitterallowed · 06/09/2026 18:40

Bunnyofhope · 04/09/2026 15:30

But this day is not about you. So what gift are you getting him for very possibly his last birthday op? When you are refusing to give him what he actually wants.
Personally I'd tell him he's being over cautious, but as it's his birthday you will do what he's asked.

What on earth does the gift they are giving matter???

Newbizmum · 06/09/2026 11:56

He's bat shit.

whymadam · 06/09/2026 11:43

ExtraOnions · 04/09/2026 15:10

Uber … DD gets a 45 minute Uber back from her friends, costs about £50

Partner drop you off, Uber home .

I came here to suggest this.

Chocolateistheanswer2026 · 06/09/2026 11:10

My dad became really anxious as he got older but was as sharp as a pin and had no cognitive decline at 92. It's not necessarily a sign of dementia and seems quite normal as a lot of friends' parents are the same. I would drive and not tell him until I had arrived safely. Even if he worries about you going home, it won't have spoiled his 90th which is the aim.

1coconut2coconut3coconut4 · 06/09/2026 10:19

Drive during the day, stay overnight, head out when light in the AM?

Wowthatwasabigstep · 06/09/2026 10:11

Your father is being unreasonable.

I would tell him you are getting the train and then park a distance away and arrive in a taxi, repeat the process when you leave.

You are a fully fledged adult and would be safer driving yourself on a know journey in your own car rather than waiting at a train station late at night.

Original poster
Janefx40 · 06/09/2026 09:48

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle81% of people think I am being unreasonable to get the train. That was how I phrased it.

But I asked on here because I had (reluctantly) agreed to take the train and it was only when my brother and partner thought that I should drive anyway that I wondered what other people thought.

There’s a scene in Friends when Rachel is 9 months pregnant and asking Ross to do lots of things and he agrees. She says “but I’m being so unreasonable” and Ross says “yes but you’re about to have a baby. You’re allowed to be unreasonable”. So I think yes my Dad is being y reasonable but it’s his 90th birthday so he’s allowed to be. But I won’t be accommodating this every time!

OP posts:
Smallestshadow · 06/09/2026 09:47

Drive & lie. Easiest option for both of you.

ForPlumReader · 06/09/2026 09:19

Jopo12 · 05/09/2026 17:57

Tell him to read the news articles about train crashes in the last couple of months.
Right now I'd far rather take the car for my own safety than get on a train!

That's interesting. I'd say it's a lot about perception of risk versus reality. I'd say it's far more dangerous to drive to night than it is to catch a train.

Original poster
Janefx40 · 06/09/2026 09:09

i just spoke to my Mum who also thinks I should just drive anyway like I always do. But anyway I got a bit more info from her.

yes he’s really worried about me/us dying before he does as he lives longer.

as I thought he has characterised driving in the dark as too dangerous for everyone not just him because he is older.

it is just about the darkness and she thinks he wouldn’t mind me driving during the light.

she thinks I should just not come at all but then she finds everything stressful and always wants to cancel everything anyway!!! And it’s his birthday and I’ve gone to the effort of taking time of work so one way or the other…I’m coming!

OP posts:
Original poster
Janefx40 · 06/09/2026 09:06

@Bunnyofhope@MyrtlethePurpleTurtlei do actually agree with you and will accommodate him one way or the other this time (either by getting the train or staying over)

OP posts:
Original poster
Janefx40 · 06/09/2026 09:03

@SHONNYSMUMMY@Aussiemum87we’re not massive drinkers but we do drink. But no it’s not about alcohol because when I jokingly said “well at least I could have a few drinks then” he pointed out I’d have to drive home from the station!

OP posts:
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 06/09/2026 06:45

Bunnyofhope · 04/09/2026 15:30

But this day is not about you. So what gift are you getting him for very possibly his last birthday op? When you are refusing to give him what he actually wants.
Personally I'd tell him he's being over cautious, but as it's his birthday you will do what he's asked.

I agree. And I always remain a bit puzzled on AIBU where, as here, 81% of people think the OP is being unreasonable, yet the overwhelming preponderance of replies are to the effect that OP is right and reasonable and her father, well, a bit of a selfish old man

user1492757084 · 06/09/2026 06:27

Arrive and announce that, due to XYZ, you had to drive which ended up very fortunate as it saves you waiting alone on a platform late at night.

Also be extra happy that now you get to see him for longer. And also you get to bring cake. a casserole and take home some mending for him.

Don't lie but don't give him early notice of your travel - thus he won't be worrying.

Aussiemum87 · 06/09/2026 06:07

I feel like there’s a reason he’s asking this besides being anxious for you. Maybe he was hoping you’d have a few drinks with him or something like that. Usually a reason behind being acting strangely!

RogerBakewell · 06/09/2026 05:00

I'd get the train in a heartbeat. But I'm a terrible driver.

If I drove, I wouldn't lie, I'd just say "I decided to drive, it was fine".

Unless I crashed, in which case I'd say "I decided to drive, you were right".

Trillie · 06/09/2026 03:57

Speak to him about why he’s anxious about you driving, that’s the real issue, not your mode of transport.

Stinkybooks · 06/09/2026 03:55

CrowsInMyGarden · 04/09/2026 15:06

Don’t lie to him. Tell him you either drive or don’t come. He’d feel terrible if you got the train and it crashed, you never know what might happen

And he’d feel just as terrible if there was a car crash which is statistically much more likely hence his anxiety his daughter driving.

But Jane is happy and confident to drive so will be totally fine. I would drive but park out of sight.
Yabu @CrowsInMyGarden train journeys are safer.

UpDownAllAround1 · 06/09/2026 03:43

I’d get the train so I could have a drink tbh

Boddica · 06/09/2026 02:25

Peakyblinder18 · 06/09/2026 02:11

If you lie you might not forgive yourself.
Keep your word, book in overnight somewhere and take him out for lunch then next day before you get the train back.
If only I could have one more day with my father I'd suffer that inconvenience in a breath

Lol. Why on earth wouldn't she forgive herself for telling a fair and reasonable lie to a very old man who's demanding something stupid that makes her life shittier and that's not his business at all and in no way affects him if he doesn't know. Mental response.

Peakyblinder18 · 06/09/2026 02:11

If you lie you might not forgive yourself.
Keep your word, book in overnight somewhere and take him out for lunch then next day before you get the train back.
If only I could have one more day with my father I'd suffer that inconvenience in a breath

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