Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think in life being a nice, good person rarely counts for much?

284 replies

Autumncalm · 04/09/2026 14:07

I’ve noticed in life that being nice, helpful, honest, reliable, trustworthy rarely count for much.

For example when I was at school (and I still see the same thing happening now at my children’s school), horrible bully type kids can be the most popular and rarely get any kind of consequences for being nasty. It seems as though no one wants to get on the wrong side of the bullies.

My children play in football teams and one of the coaches always goes on about turning up to training, being a good team player, listening, trying your best. But the truth is they only want the best players. There are players that rarely turn up to training, are nasty to other kids, but because they are naturally talented players they still get to play a full game every week, get man of the match and so on

I see it happen at work. One of my colleagues got really badly bullied by another colleague she even had email proof and it went to HR but nothing happened to the bully colleague because she is admittedly good at her job and has experiences that others don’t.

It’s not always like that, one of my children never got picked for anything at primary school even though he tried his best, behaved etc but once he got to secondary his good nature paid off and they started actually rewarding effort and good behaviour but I do believe that often in life that the values we are told to have don’t really get you anywhere.

OP posts:
KookyFish · 04/09/2026 17:05

Emupls · 04/09/2026 17:03

I said that it depends on age of kids how teams are selected

Show quote history

That was your latest post, generally your posts have been pretty argumentative.

It was clear what OP was trying to say and she's right, being good doesn't amount to much these days.

Emupls · 04/09/2026 17:04

You don’t sound at all happy in life @KookyFish

Shellityhorn · 04/09/2026 17:03

FML2025 · 04/09/2026 16:36

I have concluded (weirdly just this morning) that there are three basic types of people: arseholes, cowards and kind people.

The arseholes lie, cheat, manipulate and shit on everyone.

The cowards enable the arseholes. They do this to protect themselves and in so doing shit on the kind people.

The kind people are just treated like the shit they have been covered in.

I have been covered in so much shit that I am very tempted to jump into the arsehole category but the problem is it’s just not in my DNA. I’m a people pleaser, I am traditional and respectful. I can try but I would be very convincing.

But being a people-pleaser IS being a coward. It's not doing things freely for the benefit of others from a place of choice, it's saying yes to every request because you're afraid to deal with the discomfort of saying no, or because you fear other people will dislike you if you say no. It's cowardly. A kind, generous but also assertive person, who says no when something doesn't suit them and doesn't bustle about offering services to people they neither like nor respect will never be 'treated like shit'.

And people-pleasing is in no one's DNA. Many of us, especially women, were brought up to people-please, but we recognised that it's an inauthentic and unhappy way to live and stopped. With effort. Like many things, it's a choice.

Emupls · 04/09/2026 17:03

KookyFish · 04/09/2026 17:01

Sorry...why are you being so arsy and argumentative? OP has already asked you but you didn't answer?

Show quote history

I said that it depends on age of kids how teams are selected

HorseandHeron · 04/09/2026 17:03

Sartre · 04/09/2026 14:12

In a couple of your examples you mention the bully being talented at what they do so the company/football coach still want them around. I think it’s pretty obvious how and why this would happen. They wouldn’t get away with being so nasty away from that remit, it’s because they’re particularly exceptional and no one wants to lose their skills.

And yet it could and should be within the remit of a coach to pick them up on bullying behaviour and penalise them for it. That way, they learn to be kind and respectful of fellow players while still bringing honour to the team. Doesn't have to be one or the other. But the coaches have to care about both.

KookyFish · 04/09/2026 17:02

marbIehalls · 04/09/2026 17:01

I'm done with these people, there's so many of them and I'm not making any effort to be a good person anymore unless I come across someone who I can see is good first.

So, how does this work in practice?- you wont be helping an elderly lady in the street if she falls over until you know she is "good"- will she have to fill out a questionnaire first?

Yes that's exactly my plan, I'll be taking a tick box survey and pencils with me for them to fill out.

KookyFish · 04/09/2026 17:01

Emupls · 04/09/2026 17:00

Excuse me??

Show quote history

Sorry...why are you being so arsy and argumentative? OP has already asked you but you didn't answer?

marbIehalls · 04/09/2026 17:01

I'm done with these people, there's so many of them and I'm not making any effort to be a good person anymore unless I come across someone who I can see is good first.

So, how does this work in practice?- you wont be helping an elderly lady in the street if she falls over until you know she is "good"- will she have to fill out a questionnaire first?

Emupls · 04/09/2026 17:00

KookyFish · 04/09/2026 17:00

Why are you being so arsy?

Show quote history

Excuse me??

KookyFish · 04/09/2026 17:00

Emupls · 04/09/2026 17:00

depends entirely on age

Show quote history

Why are you being so arsy?

Emupls · 04/09/2026 17:00

KookyFish · 04/09/2026 16:57

OP was just trying to give examples of doing the right thing doesn't get you the good outcome.

Surely you would think if a kid shows up for training each week, tries hard etc they should be at least given the same opportunity as a kid who doesn't show any commitment or care but it becomes apparent that it doesn't count for anything. It's not the Premier League, they can give her kid a game if he's trying hard.

Show quote history

depends entirely on age

KookyFish · 04/09/2026 16:57

Emupls · 04/09/2026 16:51

Some kids never show up at training and still get in the team

what has that got to do with them being nice good trustworthy people?

OP was just trying to give examples of doing the right thing doesn't get you the good outcome.

Surely you would think if a kid shows up for training each week, tries hard etc they should be at least given the same opportunity as a kid who doesn't show any commitment or care but it becomes apparent that it doesn't count for anything. It's not the Premier League, they can give her kid a game if he's trying hard.

AquamarinePearlGold · 04/09/2026 16:55

OttersOnAPlane · 04/09/2026 14:17

What goes around comes around.

If you are known for being unpleasant, people don't do you favours, include you in things, spend time with you.

When you're known to be a decent, friendly and hardworking, people respect you, are more willing to help you out and make friends.

Being a decent human being and being a pushover aren't the same thing.

This.

Notbuiltforheat · 04/09/2026 16:55

I think it says a lot about the company you keep. I only have decent people in my life if I can help it. I have no interest in people who fuck others over, or see this as a strength and see honestly and reliability and integrity as a weakness.

Emupls · 04/09/2026 16:53

Autumncalm · 04/09/2026 16:52

Are you being deliberately argumentative?

Show quote history

So you see these kids as not being nice good or trustworthy people?

how old are they?

Original poster
Autumncalm · 04/09/2026 16:52

Emupls · 04/09/2026 16:51

Some kids never show up at training and still get in the team

what has that got to do with them being nice good trustworthy people?

Are you being deliberately argumentative?

OP posts:
Emupls · 04/09/2026 16:52

How old are your kids?

Original poster
Autumncalm · 04/09/2026 16:52

FML2025 · 04/09/2026 16:36

I have concluded (weirdly just this morning) that there are three basic types of people: arseholes, cowards and kind people.

The arseholes lie, cheat, manipulate and shit on everyone.

The cowards enable the arseholes. They do this to protect themselves and in so doing shit on the kind people.

The kind people are just treated like the shit they have been covered in.

I have been covered in so much shit that I am very tempted to jump into the arsehole category but the problem is it’s just not in my DNA. I’m a people pleaser, I am traditional and respectful. I can try but I would be very convincing.

I actually agree with this.

I’m not sure whether I’m actually a coward or a kind person. I try to be kind and I try to speak up when I see someone being treated badly but life has taught me it doesn’t always end welll

OP posts:
Emupls · 04/09/2026 16:51

Some kids never show up at training and still get in the team

what has that got to do with them being nice good trustworthy people?

Original poster
Autumncalm · 04/09/2026 16:48

Timeforachange26 · 04/09/2026 14:30

Perhaps the OP doesn't like the fact her kids aren't as talented as the " horrors"

Show quote history

I’m it sure why you would jump to that conclusion.

I don’t know what all those deleted posts are but I haven’t said that my kids are not good at football have I?

I’ve just noticed that even though some coaches go on about how you must attend training if you want to be in the team. Some kids never show up at training and still get in the team. Why not just be honest and say I’m only going to pick the best players regardless of behaviour and commitment?

I’m also not sure why you’ve put ‘horrors’ like that. Yes some kids are horrible. I’ve seen kids thump other kids, swearing at people and other stuff and still be allowed to play in the team.

OP posts:
KookyFish · 04/09/2026 16:46

FML2025 · 04/09/2026 16:36

I have concluded (weirdly just this morning) that there are three basic types of people: arseholes, cowards and kind people.

The arseholes lie, cheat, manipulate and shit on everyone.

The cowards enable the arseholes. They do this to protect themselves and in so doing shit on the kind people.

The kind people are just treated like the shit they have been covered in.

I have been covered in so much shit that I am very tempted to jump into the arsehole category but the problem is it’s just not in my DNA. I’m a people pleaser, I am traditional and respectful. I can try but I would be very convincing.

That's where I am at too, I'm trying to jump over and join the arseholes!

KookyFish · 04/09/2026 16:45

ThatCyanCat · 04/09/2026 16:29

The first paragraph is you making fun of the idea that I've said you believe in a vengeful god. The next paragraph is you describing a vengeful god that you hope exists. Well, you probably think of it as a god of fairness, but "bad people get bad things" is the same thing.

That certainly would be fair, but even the concept of good and bad people is itself pretty hard to determine.

Show quote history

I'm glad you agree that would be fair.

It's just quite funny when someone mentions Karma and you turn that into a lecture on how they want a vengeful god to strike people, bit of a reach but....yeah I would mind a bit of a vengeful consequence for bad people, it would be lovely to see a murderer getting a strike!

As for you thinking I'm not 'genuinely nice' well I was but like I say I'm actively trying not to be these days, it's getting me absolutely no where in life.

For example I wouldn't dream of not saying a cheery thank you when getting change from a cashier yet the cashier shoves it in my hand and doesn't say a word.
I found a phone and I was so chuffed to be able to get it back to the owner, I left mine in a toilet a few weeks later and it was instantly turned off and gone forever. Karma god didn't help me with that one!
Just today I stopped on my side of the road to let a car through when his side was blocked, I gave him a friendly drive wave as he went past and he stuck his finger up at me.
I'm done with these people, there's so many of them and I'm not making any effort to be a good person anymore unless I come across someone who I can see is good first.

Shellityhorn · 04/09/2026 16:43

marbIehalls · 04/09/2026 16:38

Yes! I totally agree. “Nice” is such a bland, limp descriptor. To me, it conjures up the image of a chronic people-pleaser who agrees with everyone and avoids any kind of confrontation, even when they’re secretly seething with resentment. There’s something deeply inauthentic about that.

I’d far rather be described as kind, ethical and trustworthy rather than simply “nice.” Kindness has substance; “nice” often feels like nothing more than being agreeable. 🤮

Show quote history

And when I say 'kind', I mean 'freely choosing to do something for the benefit of someone else from a position of choice' not 'I never say no to a request because it makes me uncomfortable or I'm afraid people will dislike me.' I pity that. I don't respect it.

JacknDiane · 04/09/2026 16:42

I so agree @Autumncalm

Emupls · 04/09/2026 16:41

FML2025 · 04/09/2026 16:36

I have concluded (weirdly just this morning) that there are three basic types of people: arseholes, cowards and kind people.

The arseholes lie, cheat, manipulate and shit on everyone.

The cowards enable the arseholes. They do this to protect themselves and in so doing shit on the kind people.

The kind people are just treated like the shit they have been covered in.

I have been covered in so much shit that I am very tempted to jump into the arsehole category but the problem is it’s just not in my DNA. I’m a people pleaser, I am traditional and respectful. I can try but I would be very convincing.

Let me guess… you would describe yourself as one of the “kind” people