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To think in life being a nice, good person rarely counts for much?

284 replies

Autumncalm · 04/09/2026 14:07

I’ve noticed in life that being nice, helpful, honest, reliable, trustworthy rarely count for much.

For example when I was at school (and I still see the same thing happening now at my children’s school), horrible bully type kids can be the most popular and rarely get any kind of consequences for being nasty. It seems as though no one wants to get on the wrong side of the bullies.

My children play in football teams and one of the coaches always goes on about turning up to training, being a good team player, listening, trying your best. But the truth is they only want the best players. There are players that rarely turn up to training, are nasty to other kids, but because they are naturally talented players they still get to play a full game every week, get man of the match and so on

I see it happen at work. One of my colleagues got really badly bullied by another colleague she even had email proof and it went to HR but nothing happened to the bully colleague because she is admittedly good at her job and has experiences that others don’t.

It’s not always like that, one of my children never got picked for anything at primary school even though he tried his best, behaved etc but once he got to secondary his good nature paid off and they started actually rewarding effort and good behaviour but I do believe that often in life that the values we are told to have don’t really get you anywhere.

OP posts:
Imtornanddontknowwhattodo · 05/09/2026 15:03

I agree. Being nice gets you nowhere, in fact it gets you bullied and walked over.

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 15:02

Shellityhorn · 05/09/2026 14:50

It’s a lazy cliche, much trotted out on Mn, that popular people are invariably power-crazed and cruel with the power popularity gives them, while the unpopular secretly have hearts of gold that go unnoticed. ETA And it’s transposed here from friendship into team sports, where the ‘nice’ friend who always gives lifts and is ‘kind’ but isn’t popular turns into the player who shows up to all training sessions and doesn’t make the team.

Edited

Yep I’ve noticed this too, and I don’t believe it either.

All the genuinely popular people I know have one main thing in common: excellent social skills. They’re good communicators, they have healthy self-esteem and confidence, and they take a genuine interest in other people. They have a natural ease about them that comes from not being desperate for friendship or constantly seeking approval. They’re the kind of people who squeeze every last drop out of life. They arent constantly moaning or whining about what a victim they are. Being around them feels uplifting and effortless.

They’re comfortable in their own skin, and that’s an incredibly attractive quality.

None of them are “bitches” or “nasty”. In fact, most of them are kind, decent people who simply happen to be socially confident and enjoyable to be around.

It’s simply not true that you have to be some kind of Machiavellian mastermind or secretly horrible to be popular. Sometimes people are just popular because they’re actually likeable. Shocking, I know! 🤣

Shellityhorn · 05/09/2026 14:50

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:34

Yes exactly. I have no idea what not being picked for a football team has got to do with being a "good person" 🤣

It’s a lazy cliche, much trotted out on Mn, that popular people are invariably power-crazed and cruel with the power popularity gives them, while the unpopular secretly have hearts of gold that go unnoticed. ETA And it’s transposed here from friendship into team sports, where the ‘nice’ friend who always gives lifts and is ‘kind’ but isn’t popular turns into the player who shows up to all training sessions and doesn’t make the team.

holkhamhighkicks · 05/09/2026 14:46

It counts for you though doesn’t it? We should all try and be better people, for ourselves and not just to benefit others.

Shellityhorn · 05/09/2026 14:45

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:22

No, it won't be because the person is too kind, but the least popular person can be a kind person. They may be shier and quieter than the others, for example.

Certainly, the least popular person could be a kind person. They could also be a total bitch. They could also be someone buying their way into the group via providing services, gaining them a reputation for ‘kindness’ when in fact it’s pretty transactional or from a fear that saying no would see them dropped. They could also be someone who is not particularly kind or unkind, just average, like most people.

There’s not necessarily any correlation.

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:34

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Yes exactly. I have no idea what not being picked for a football team has got to do with being a "good person" 🤣

Beepalarm · 05/09/2026 14:29

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marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:23

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:22

No, it won't be because the person is too kind, but the least popular person can be a kind person. They may be shier and quieter than the others, for example.

But thats not what the OP is arguing- she is arguing that its always the kind people who get trodden on and left out.

I am saying it isnt.

That has never been the case.

Beepalarm · 05/09/2026 14:22

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Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:22

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:20

If you have a group of people that all get along and like each other and one person on the periphery that noone in the group likes or gets on with, I can guarantee you that its not because that person is "too kind".

No, it won't be because the person is too kind, but the least popular person can be a kind person. They may be shier and quieter than the others, for example.

Beepalarm · 05/09/2026 14:21

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marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:20

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:18

Well yes because nasty people are often popular!
Either genuinely popular because they're fun or they have people who are afraid to stand up to them.

If you have a group of people that all get along and like each other and one person on the periphery that noone in the group likes or gets on with, I can guarantee you that its not because that person is "too kind".

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:20

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:18

Then why cant you be kind and also assertive?

Did you mean to quote somebody else?

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:19

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Yes this is exactly my point.

All these self appointed nice/kind people calling other people "bitches"

The irony.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:18

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Well yes because nasty people are often popular!
Either genuinely popular because they're fun or they have people who are afraid to stand up to them.

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:18

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:16

For the purpose of my comments on this thread, I'm using nice to mean the same thing as kind.

Then why cant you be kind and also assertive?

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:17

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:14

Then perhaps they arent quite as saintly as they imagine themselves to be eh?

Well the ones under point 1 are weak rather than vicarious enjoyers of nastiness/drama.

Beepalarm · 05/09/2026 14:17

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Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:16

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:13

Urgh, nooooo, I never want to be "nice" - "nice" is awful

Nice is bland, simpering and a doormat.

It's far better and healthier to be kind, authentic and assert appropriate boundaries. There is nothing healthy to be found in "nice"

For the purpose of my comments on this thread, I'm using nice to mean the same thing as kind.

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:14

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:12

"why are all these self labelled "nice" people choosing to be friends with nasty, selfish bitches?"

  1. They are weak and targeted by the nasty people
  2. They don't like the nastiness, but they like the drama created by the nasties
  3. They are secretly nasty themselves and enjoy listening to the nasty friend slag off mutual friends even if they don't appear to take part themselves.

Then perhaps they arent quite as saintly as they imagine themselves to be eh?

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:13

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:11

Exactly. This is OP's point.
Being nice doesn't get you anywhere.
We should do it anyway, but there is no reward, at least not in this life.

Urgh, nooooo, I never want to be "nice" - "nice" is awful

Nice is bland, simpering and a doormat.

It's far better and healthier to be kind, authentic and assert appropriate boundaries. There is nothing healthy to be found in "nice"

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:12

"why are all these self labelled "nice" people choosing to be friends with nasty, selfish bitches?"

  1. They are weak and targeted by the nasty people
  2. They don't like the nastiness, but they like the drama created by the nasties
  3. They are secretly nasty themselves and enjoy listening to the nasty friend slag off mutual friends even if they don't appear to take part themselves.
Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 14:11

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:04

Well yes, because someone who is "nice" but is as dull as dishwater and as interesting as watching paint dry isnt much fun to be around as a friend are they?

I wouldnt date a man simply because he was "nice"- for example. He would have to have far more to his character than that.

Exactly. This is OP's point.
Being nice doesn't get you anywhere.
We should do it anyway, but there is no reward, at least not in this life.

LlynTegid · 05/09/2026 14:07

You can help support good behaviour by your actions, especially to those near and dear to you.

marbIehalls · 05/09/2026 14:04

Gwenhwyfar · 05/09/2026 13:50

"If you are known for being unpleasant, people don't do you favours, include you in things, spend time with you."

So clearly not true. Plenty of nasty people are really popular. Their friends complain about them sometimes, but if they're fun and interesting they will always have people around them.

Well yes, because someone who is "nice" but is as dull as dishwater and as interesting as watching paint dry isnt much fun to be around as a friend are they?

I wouldnt date a man simply because he was "nice"- for example. He would have to have far more to his character than that.