I think people hate me and I think I know why

For therapy to work you have to be really committed to making it work for you. If one style or one practitioner doesn’t work for you, then you try another.

It does work but you have to be prepared to engage fully with the process.

I always relax my face into a slight smile which I think people perceive as being friendly

I can really relate to everything you've said! But I also think you're totally overthinking it (as I would do too). Fred's mum has probably never given it a second's thought! Also, why would anyone consider that a reason to hate anyone?? I mean, would you?? Easier said than done, I know, but try not to think about it again. Next time you see Fred's mum, just give her a friendly smile and say hello...

Not being sarcastic - but anti anxiety medication (some antidepressants work well on this regard). May also give you the mental headspace to work on therapies in conjunction with medication

Yes she is. This is especially hurtful and odd coming from someone whose anxiety and trauma history have rendered her (in her own telling) incapable of assuming a pleasant expression in social settings. She is explicitly criticizing her son for not doing something, smiling on command, that she won’t do.

You can never know what other people are thinking. It's an impossibility.

If you're worried about the interaction then when you see the other mum again then just say sorry if I came across across as a bit rude the other day, no excuse, but I was really stressed. She may have realised and probably a bit stressed herself.

Don't beat yourself up about it though. Mum's school friendships are always difficult anyway without the added stress you're having with anxiety. I was relieved not to have to worry about it once all of my dcs had moved onto secondary.

No, this is just the same. You don't do solo photos after dragging someone else in. You do them before or not at all.

I'm not sure anyone's picked up yet that OP asked the other child to get out of the way for her solo shot. It's just another small instance of self-centeredness.

"What brilliant smiles! They look great, don't they, Friend's Mum? Move a few paces to your right, DS, so I can get another one of you."

Sertaline. The only thing that calmed that insidious voice that everyone hates me and um doing it wrong

I think you are overthinking everything although I understand it's a part of your anxiety.
I find it helpful to give myself a task to do to right the (self perceived) wrong.
For example, next time I see Fred's mum I'll give her an extra warm smile, and I'll approach her first.
The photo..I'll send a copy to the mum with a lovely message about what good boys they are.
Then give yourself permission to stop stressing about it because you have made a plan and that is all you can do. And move on.

It sounds rather like rejection sensitivity dysphoria. If you’re worrying excessively about people not liking you, then you may be giving tense or vulnerable vibes which some people can take advantage of to bully you, or equally nervous people avoid you

you need to chill the heck out OP, take some ashwagandha

Honestly nobody hates you. They don’t think about you at all they are all busy worrying what others think about them. The sooner you realise this the happier you will be.

You’re definitely over thinking this. It’s not that deep and the other mum probably wont have thought much about it.

Could you perhaps have some rejection sensitivity dysphoria?

Maybe an over reaction to her reaction?

That’s what I’m picking up in your OP.

It may help to learn more about it so you can reframe experiences like this rather than ruminating?

Sounds like rejection sensitivity, have a google and see if it’s familiar.
I’m sure that after most of the interactions you worry about the other person wasn’t bothered and has long forgotten about it.

Im slightly surprised that parents are walking their secondary school kids to school and then getting coffee.

I teach adults for a living and the thing that interests me about my students who tell me about their anxiety and sometimes their autism and ADHD is how they always assume they’re the only ones in the class. “I can’t do this thing that everyone else can do”. they can be very self obsessed. Perhaps that’s one of the factors in anxiety that it stops you seeing that everyone has their own shit to contend with.

That would have been my reaction. I hate with a passion parents who nitpick with kids and criticise them and pull them up on behaviour that doesn't matter and try and show them up in front of other people and try and shame them. As women I am sure we have all been on the receiving end of "smile love it will never happen" , why would you tell a child they have to smile on demand?

Hi,
I suggest you look up ADHD in women,
some of the difficulties you describe,
especially the emotional regulation &
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
sound very familiar!
I wish you all the best.

I think this is spot on.

People are hard-wired to identify when another person is dysregulated or on edge. They pick up subconscious signals that another person is uncomfortable with themself. It's one of the most unfair things in this world, but if other people are picking up on this you may push them away.

For what its worth none of what you did sounds "wrong" and if I was on the receiving end of it I wouldn't feel hard done by. But you seem to be whipsawing from discussing mundane interactions at school to talking about a traumatic childhood. If you're projecting this to others (and maybe you're not but it comes across in your post), they may just find this too much to deal with. Most people don't want that level of intensity too soon in an acquaintance.

You say therapy hasn't worked for you, but I think possibly you haven't given it long enough? It feels like you are projecting quite a lot of self-doubt onto others. This is going to make this uncomfortable, so you have to either learn to contain it or work through it.

To be honest, I struggle to be friends with people with anxiety - always overthinking, worried, needing assurance that completely normal things are fine. It’s just too much work and I prefer the company of confident, competent people.
I also find that people with anxiety are inadvertently selfish - it’s always about them and how they feel.

I wasn’t suggesting well balanced people adopt her as a bestie. Just that their response was likely to be calmer. Calmly choosing not to let your life be disrupted doesn’t look like tugging your child away or shuffling anxiously or muttering and glaring. That’s all I meant. Your response is less likely to be the kind of reactions that OP reads as ‘hating her’.

Why on earth would you be taking your son th secondary school ? Bonkers .

OP, you imply that you have had several courses of therapy. I am interested in your statement that it never works for you - never is one of those words that tells you a lot about the mindset of the person who uses it and indicates that you may have very rigid ways of thinking about the world. That is not uncommon in people who have had significant trauma but it is strongly associated with pessimism, and poorer mental health. Its also much more common in ND.

For therapy to be effective you have to have the right kind at the right time, and with the right person. And for you to truly be ready - have a clear goal in mind and a commitment to making changes. It might be worth exploring again - different kinds, different people, the sort of things suggested above. DBT can be helpful for emotional regulation, EMDR is good for trauma, and CBT can be good for changing thinking patterns but you have to get a good and experienced practitioner, not someone who was only trained for IAPT or talking therapies services because that training is very narrow.

A mum telling her smiling son “Why didn’t you smile like that this morning” isn’t berating him. Good lord 🤣🤣