Have I clipped DH wings and been unreasonable about social events?

Why on earth do you equate having a few drinks for Christmas with not caring about your family. You sound very controlling. If my DH did this I'd be gone

Never fucking mind talking about his backbone.

Men aren't allowed to have one these days for fear of hurting women's feelings.

I've no idea why men still want to bother with women any more.

She's only aware because he brought up that particular instance.

It's not necessarily a matter of lying, people aren't always aware of the vibes they're giving off. Facial expression, tone of voice and changes in demeanor when a subject is raised can be just as loud and telling as words.

Your behaviour seems like a massive overreaction but so does that if your DH. Most men would have told you "where to get off" which makes me think he isn't that he may not be that interested in these work events.

I do think it wasn't an OK message and you should apologise and reiterate he should go out. Equally I do wonder if he's guilt tripping you a bit, or perhaps just doesn't fancy it and it's easier to blame you. I mean, you explained it was worry due to events the next day and apologised, you told him to stay out later and said he should go to the Christmas party.... I'm not sure what more you can do, it was 9 months ago and you've repeatedly said he should go out longer/more. I'd apologise once more and say he should go but then leave it, I think you over reacted then, but now he is being a bit ott dragging it out for so long. People sometimes do/say things they regret especially when tired or worried, we apologise and then everyone moves forward. So long as you've genuinely said sorry and explained it was not something you truly think/believe then it's up to him. If I'd received that message, I'd have firmly rebuted it, been annoyed, my dh would apologise and we'd all be back to normal 24 hrs later! I'd not expect him to feel any guilt half a year on

Oh gosh OP you know you've been unreasonable. Feel for your DH but I would have told you to wind your neck in so he needs to take a bit of responsibility for being a sap.

Clipped his wings? That’s putting it mildly. You’ve ground the poor bloke down.

You are a big ol’ 🚩….
if you were the husband there’d be calls for divorce

Did you apologise after you realised you overreacted?

I have read the whole thread and what I just don't get is the 0-60 nature of the Christmas message.

My husband and I are not in a good place right now. But I would just never, ever tell him he didn't give a shit about the kids. He works hard and loves them.

I am not an angel but with a responsible adult, I'd be careful to give him space to socialise. When my husband is out, which is not often, I deliberately don't message at all. If I wanted him to come home, I might say something like "can you let me know how much longer you'll be, just conscious we have xyz on tomorrow" - type of thing.

To go straight to swearing and accusing him of neglect, either this really isn't the first time or the OP was having a massive uncharacteristic moment, like drunk/ recent bereavement/ huge work stress.

Because you just don't go from happy families to sweary hectoring msgs in one evening. There has to be previous here.

I seriously doubt it was one incident.

My mum hated my dad going anywhere or doing anything without her.

She very rarely had to lose her temper or tell him not to do something. She was far more subtle than that. It was passive aggressive comments, sulking, face like a slapped arse, manipulation, day in day out until he was a shell of himself with no friends and no life outside of her.

She claims he was free to do whatever he wanted, he was not happy doing anything that took him away from her and it was his choice.

The truth was very different.

I remember one time my husband managed to get my dad to go out with him. He suggested they stop and eat and dad went into an actual panic!! He started shaking because he knew what he'd get when he got home.

Where's his backbone? He should have told you you were out of order with your message the next day (especially given he was fine next day and not hung over) and you should have apologised for it (which you may well have done) and then he should have gone back to attending networking events sensibly, bearing in mind what you both have on as a family the next day.

I'd have a reset now, and maybe agree on some guidelines for both of you regarding attending work networking events e.g. aiming to be home by X time, and if you're going to be later letting the other one know. I do hate the anticipation of waiting up for my partner, as I feel I can't go to sleep until he's home, so I appreciate it when he keeps in touch re timings so I can manage my expectations!

It sounds like he's afraid of you or certainly of upsetting you OP, which is sad.

Gosh you are not very nice to your husband and then act surprised.

He says he just doesn’t know what he should or shouldn’t do and so to avoid problems he’s just not going to attend.

I did this to myself growing up because of my mother. I never had many friends and once I turned 18 or so I had no friends, but it was easier that way then having to manage my mother and the constant text messages I’d receive, the pressure I’d feel to get home early and finding her awake if I got in because she was “worried”.

It continued when I moved to a different part of the country because she’d phone constantly - and usually at about 9pm on a Saturday night. If I went into the city on a weekend afternoon, she’d tell me she’d “phone me later when I got home” and put the phone down. That was my cue to stop what I was doing and immediately get the train home because she’d be on the phone again in 45 minutes.

She used to go out with different friends on a weekend and my dad would give her and her friends lifts every time she did - three or four nights a month. He’d pick up all her friends, drop them off, come home and then wait until midnight or so and then go and be a taxi service again to pick them all up - sometimes dropping them off miles out of the way.

He never went out and didn’t really have a social life or a circle of friends. One Saturday night he was invited to a colleague’s retirement party and he agreed to go and my mother agreed she’d pick him up at midnight. She arrived outside in the car over an hour early and told him she wasn’t going to sit and wait all night. He left early and never went out to anything like that again.

But why he doesn’t know what to do or not do from one complaint where op was wrong?

Why is he walking on eggshells without ever mentioning it to op before. To me it sounds like he doesn’t enjoy late night outs and using one incident to blame and guilt trip OP or he is a very sensitive person. And I am surprised that there are so many posters, who will leave through partner after one unreasonable complaint.

Fuck me. This shithole never gets any better.

Pile on over this. Pile on over that. Ganging up on posters who soon give up and disappear. Barely able to read. Making shit up. Always wanting to have a go like a rabid dog or start an argument. Only ever half a dozen sensible responses on any thread.

Do the majority of women really hate other women this much.

How about, before calling anybody else disgusting, some of you take a look in the mirror to see what that truly looks like.

OP had a wobble one time, has owned up and is reflecting on her behaviour. Abusers do not do that. Abusers could be shown a video plainly showing something bad they did and would simply refuse to look at it.

But op seems self aware and accepting her mistake. I don’t see any reason she will be lying that it’s one off.

Yeah. You should feel like you feel.. for being a schmuck.
Do as I say not as I do.
It's not alright to use emotional blackmail..that's abuse.

If the roles were reversed, people would say you are controlling. You have made your husband feel guilty about attending work functions, to the point he feels he can't attend or if he does it's the bare minimum.

Your reaction to him staying at his Christmas Party until midnight, was awful. Unless your husband is out every night, rolling in at 3 am, pissed as a fart, then what's the big deal?!

You have some apologising to do. You then need to take a long hard look at the way you have behaved. Your behaviour is controlling. Like I said unless, your husband is out more than in, and a complete inconsiderate arsehole, then you need to reign yourself in..big time.

So not only are you controlling and abusive but you’re also a hypocrite? And you genuinely needed strangers on the internet to point that out to you?

His reaction suggests that it isn’t about one message, that message was just an example.

I asked him what he meant he referenced the previous year when he’d been out until midnight, and I’d (admittedly) sent him a message telling him that he didn’t give a shit about his family because we had things to do the following day.

Wow, that was out of order and nasty, OP. Agree with PPs that you spund controlling.

He sounds like a great husband. I won’t bore you with the sad details of what my ex was like or how little I socialise for ANY reason but much less ‘client events’ as a single parent. You have one of the good ones!

To be honest to me looking in from the outside this is an example of ‘how the other half live’. I can’t imagine being able to go out half as much as you do and if I had a partner I wouldn’t dream of having a say in what they did or where they went. You’re very lucky.

It's the hypocrisy for me - you can go - but when I want, for how long I want and I am going to make you miserable while you are there.

I never understood women who are so needy, clingy, controlling that they constantly text, message, call when their OH are out but are quick to say their OH is a wonderful man and father.

Yes, you've more or less bullied him into giving up on almost everything. The poor man sounds demoralised.