Have I clipped DH wings and been unreasonable about social events?

Your husband sounds like a really decent and serious man who is nervous about upsetting you. I really enjoy going out and wouldn’t put up with my partner sending nasty texts like you did. I think all you can do now is apologise again and show him through your behaviour going forward that you are not being controlling and you want him to enjoy his social life without being nervous of your reactions.

Was It just a text last Christmas or did he come home to the third degree followed by a day of silent treatment and decided it wasn’t worth the consequences.

We’ve all overreacted in our life and then regretted it and If it was just an absolute one off text out of character and you’ve apologised and accepted you were wrong and explained that then it’s up to him but if the latter then yabu and very controlling.

Same perspective here.

The posters suggesting he gets a backbone are pretty horrible. Imagine telling a woman in a controlling relationship that?! We compalin about misogyny and toxic masculinity but then berate and ridicule men for being weak?

@ShedNine he has clearly been put ‘under the thumb’ and now that you no longer need him there, you’ve just realised what you have done.

He seems like a very considerate H, or trained/bullied into being anyway.

Not sure how you correct this though. Maybe suggest he meets up with friends for a night out, rather than colleagues, to let his hair down - no need to rush back etc…

He sounds scared of you, it’s actually quite awful reading this.

Yes. You have some apologizing to do.
Get the calendar out together and put the dates in that both of you will be out at events (til what ever time you like).
You can work this out. You'll be fine. He sounds like a good husband
X

You are abusive.

hope he leaves you and find someone he deserves

Looks like you have perhaps made him feel guilty about being away from you and the children. And the message about being out after midnight wasn’t great, particularly if he’d always made the effort to be home early on previous occasions. Have you said things before about not leaving you to do all the parenting?

Either way, I would be apologetic and encourage him to go out more / for longer but also do the same yourself so you both have some guilt-free ‘me’ time.

Your message during last year's Christmas party was bad; you've acknowledged that to yourself and here. But you also say the two of you didn't talk about it at the time, and HE apologised to YOU. It really should have been discussed, because what you said was completely out of proportion to what he did - which was nothing wrong unless he told you he'd be home at a specific time and at worst carelessness/lack of attention if he was out later than he said and didn't update you. It seems like you assumed that he wasn't able to regulate his drinking and still function the next day, which is odd and possibly insulting unless he has a history of this.

I'd talk about it now, explain as well as you can why you flew off the handle this ONE time and how it might have been different in your mind. If you really have no idea now why you did it, admit that - he's going to have to rely on the fact that you haven't done anything like that since to believe that it was an anomaly, won't happen again, and doesn't represent your true feelings.

Still, it seems strange that he is avoidant of all work-related events because of this one incident but hasn't changed his behaviour or attitude toward purely social days/nights without you and the children. Is it possible that the Christmas party incident awakened some old more serious trauma and that's why he's reacting so strangely? Or is it possible that he is using the event (maybe even unconsciously) to avoid something he doesn't really want to do anyway? Just possibilities; the two of you need to talk and figure it out together because his limiting/sabotaging his career and your feeling guilty for something you can;t go back and change isn't really sustainable. Nor would it be fair if he continued to hold this over you once you've truly apologised and shown him it won't happen again.

You only have 1 child. Is it really that difficult to put them to bed while he stays out late once a year.

I am actually gobsmacked that you sent a message saying he didn’t give a shit about his family because he was still out at midnight. On a Christmas night out!
That’s really horrible, and guaranteed to have spoiled his night and the memory of it as well. That seems like a huge overreaction, especially as your child must have been around 6 years old at the time, not in the newborn stage of sleep deprivation!

You have taken the joy out of these events, because he is more concerned about your reaction. I suggest talking it through with him, but ultimately, you have to let people have independence and space to be an individual. He shouldn’t take the piss, but you shouldn’t make him feel like it is a chore to socialise. I think he needs an apology.

Mmm sounds like he's treading on eggshells around you , poor guy

The reply’s are nuts, people actually adding their own narrative saying it won’t have been the only text etc. we could say the same for the husband, he could be gaslighting her for all we know! One text and she’s an abuser even though she feels bad and he goes out constantly with pals!

I just wanted to say that although you might not have handled one situation perfectly, the fact that you’ve put this post on here being totally transparent and honest (and clearly feel bad) shows such a lot of accountability and you obviously really love him. I think a lot of commenters must be perfect angels who’ve never put a foot wrong! 😉 Really sure this situation can be sorted - we ALL have bad moments! Our whole marriages or lives don’t need to be defined by them 🥰

@ShedNine
Youve clipped his wings whilst shredding his nerves havent you?
You really are going to have apologise, stop sending nasty messages and become less bullish about how you're treating your husband
You're a bully that's become aware
Pure and simple
So stop it all now?
He's seems sensible and reliable and trying to do the right thing even if he's obviously unhappy and become withdrawn
Keep pushing and if he's shown kindness elsewhere he may think "hang it" and then what?

You've told him he can't go out and now he won't because he is afraid of offending you (and what a nasty thing to post him about not caring for his family - out of order, and it it was a man doing this to a woman everyone would be calling the whole shebang coercive control) . But you stay out as you like. That sounds very controlling and not a happy way to live. Just tell him to go to the Christmas do and do not (unless it is life and death) phone him if he isn't home by what you think is a reasonable time for him (but not for you). You have certainly clipped his wings too much and have possibly damaged his job prospects in doing so - you know these parties are work related, after all.

Parents don’t always have the same freedom to do late nights, networking events, etc. once they have a family to prioritise. Unfortunately, that impact usually falls disproportionately on mums and can negatively affect their careers. In this case, though, your husband is doing exactly what he should be doing — recognising that he has family responsibilities too and putting his family first.

Just wondering what made you send him that message while he was at Christmas party? Did you get too stressed just about the following day? Sounds to me like there might be more to the story. Were you angry with him for other stuff? Do you have inclination do react this way?

Good summary.

A bit of self reflection OP - IF you’re still reading.

Sounds like the DH is living with a hypocritical controlling witch and is afraid of you.
Seems a lot more going on than you care to give.....
.

Am glad to see there’s more rational posts now as opposed to the, “how dare he make out he’s upset! He’s obviously dramatic and abusive in his passive aggressive behaviour !!”

Do you often over react to things he does?

Im sorry you all went through that.
I wish my dad had left. He died in his early 60s and my overwhelming feeling was of relief for him. I had begged him to leave but he wouldn't. He said he loved her. I said it was more like Stockholm syndrome. He gave just the saddest little chuckle and said probably.
He had a stroke. She left him on the floor overnight then phoned in the morning. Claimed he often slept on the floor. He died a few days later, never having regained consciousness.