Are my SIL's divorce expectations unrealistic?

I think it’s reasonable if a married couple decide that one will become a SAHP if the other person is earning huge amounts more.

What’s unreasonable is expecting to still be funded in this way after separation.

But this scenario is exactly what mediation is for! And a skilled mediator will help put something together which they both agree on and which reflects their personal circumstances. So the SIL is perfectly in order to suggest it. In fact what would the OP suggest she should do otherwise? Just take what’s offered??

Personally, I’d stay out of it. Tell your brother to discuss with his solicitor.

It is a 4 bed flat and a 4 bed house. I suspect the house is worth more than the flat.

The aim with any financial settlement is to enable both parties an equitable lifestyle going forward with certain adjustments eg if one person having children. There's no punishment for affairs. There's no reward for being a stay at home mum. The financial form will lay it all out side by side - pensions, property, savings etc. Of course there are certain unfair things in individual cases. This is why it is important to get cracking with these things asap as opposed to leaving it to drift on for years.

If we are being cynical. Ops stated the soon to be ex wife has also mentioned benefits. So she’s quit work due to “burn out”.

So she’s going to unable to work due to health for Uc putting her self as unemployable to the courts for the divorce.

Smart or stupid who knows yet.

I wouldnt engage in conversation with them

They need to go to financial medication and split assets 50/50. If it means giving her more of the house money to ring fence pension I would do that.

I would be insisting on a clean financial break so wouldnt be paying her mortgage

Does rewind me of someone I know who sperated from well off husband, managed to ger a housing executive house by claiming homeless then was utterly shocked that UC stopped as she got half the money from family home being sold. She was so indignant

Oddly, I feel like this woman is the one devaluing SAHMs.
she asked him to leave the family home they were sharing whilst separated because she found a new partner.
she wants him to continue funding her lifestyle in the same way despite being separated and having a new partner - that is not realistic.

and I say that as a SAHM. If DH and I were to separate, of course assets should and would be split accordingly, but I would not expect my exH to fund my lifestyle in the same post separation/divorce.
I would also need to get a job to financially support myself.

it’s wildly unrealistic to expect your lifestyle to be the same post divorce, whether you’re a SAHP or not!

He needs to get legal advice. When DH divorced, his daughter was 13, his ex only worked part time and she got 60% of everything.

I agree but there are lots of ex wives who won’t.

My husband’s ex spends so much of her time ranting about how unfair it is that she can’t afford this and doesn’t have that whilst we have what we do.

Divorcing someone on a six figure salary when you’re on £20k and thinking you should still be kept in the same way is insane.

I must be dense. How can she get a mortgage if she doesn't work?
Maintenance and child benefit will drop off as the children age out.
She can't buy him out of the previously marital home without a job.
Financial mediation sounds like a great idea @GoAdvertFree

there is nothing wrong with going to financial mediation it could be useful BUT make sure he has taken legal advice on everything before he goes so he knows what is realistic and what his red lines are

Delatron what on earth are you talking about? Loads of people have to travel occasionally for work and their partner picks up the slack, in normal couples both parents would do it. The exW has obviously played a valuable role, which is why she would get at least 50% of assets. It doesn't mean she should always get to laze about! I also don't agree that having a SAHM means that everything is done for you - how do you know that? If she doesn't like working maybe she didn't like doing aspects of housework or childcare and didn't bother with that either. Maybe she did a perfect job. Either way, the idea that OP's DB would pay her mortgage forever more is outrageous. She's obviously entitled.

You keep saying you like her, but do you, really? It’s OK to not like a relative, especially one who who has no work ethic and wants to leech off others. I can’t like someone I have no respect for, personally.

Politely, its not really your business. Women for have been sahms enabling husbands to drive successful careers have committed themselves to the role. They have taken on every household and child related responsibility. Sadly, this can make it impossible for them to regain their own careers when marriages end and their earning potential is not very good.
Stay out of their business.

Well, she'll soon be crystal clear on it. You needn't worry.

My ex worked overseas from soon after we split 15yrs ago and still does. DC are young adults now but youngest was 3 when this started. This did not mean I had to be a SAHM as I had to do all the parenting. I’ve always worked and have a good career. This woman’s children are teens who look after themselves, so no, I don’t think she needs to stay at home as her ex works overseas one week every so often.

Surely it's up to her new partner to pay her mortgage if he lives there and she refuses to work, not your brother?

My understanding is that it is very rare in the UK for ex-wifes to be eligible for alimony from their ex-husbands. Your SIL is envisaging a new life with her new partner with no drop in her income but with your brother paying for it all. I think that her expectations are unreasonable.

Does her new partner work?

A think thst the three different elements of divorce finances are being confused.

1. Split of marital assest:

Depending on values of all the marital assets, this may well result in her keeping the family home.

1. Spousal Support

1. Child Maintenence, your DB will be required to paid Child maintenance if he has them staying with him less than 50% of the time.

Eta clarify my ramblings

It depends on the assets though doesn’t it. If they have say 3 million pounds of assets the starting point for her is 1.5 million. So she buys a house for 800k and lives off the rest.

We don’t know how much money the DB has so there’s no point in speculating what she will end up with.

But many on here are acting like the husband with the 6 figure salary gets to swan off in to the distance with his huge salary and earning power and the lazy, good for nothing SAHM who has sat on her arse for 19 years must Iive in poverty and get a minimum wage job. Unfortunately for you lot who agree with that narrative it doesn’t work like that. As a starting point she’ll get 50 % of all marital assets probably more. She will have access to his pension. None of us know how much any of that is.

If they have a 19 year old I’m guessing they’re not that young. Maybe the mortgage has been paid off. Maybe he has a huge pension. She won’t get spousal maintenance but she might not need it. She might need to get a part time job. She must be nearing 50? That’s way different to getting divorced in your 30s. Plenty of time to build up assets and pensions….

Yes she’ll get a nice starting point of at least 60% of all marital assets including property (his flat is part of this), shares, savings, pensions….

If you're struggling with sensible boundaries to the extent that even the way she and a new partner might manage their finances is bothering you, I agree keeping her at arms length will probably be of benefit.