To really not understand why some people stay in relationships full of arguments and unhappiness. If you do, why?!

Simply, because it seems easier to keep going with it than to end their relationship and deal with the fall out / immediate awkwardness or real difficulties even though that’s likely to be a shorter term nightmare than living with the bad relationship for longer.

Low self esteem
money
logistics
lack of confidence

I know so many women that would rather have anyone than no one.

Some people cannot see ot for themselves and as a close friend you may be one of few voices of sense.

We had a friend like this and we ( two close friends) we told her that they were not going to change. She coparented with him stopped trying to change him, and had a lot more freedom. I think she would have much higher levels of resentment if they lived together to detriment of childs mental health. Financially harder but he was a dead weight and frivolously living off an inheritance without getting a job.

Fear. Leaving an abuser is difficult, frightening and often dangerous.

I didn't mean to discount what you, and other posters, grew up suffering through. Re-reading the thread, there are fewer posts that seem to treat the topic as a hypothetical piece of curia than I felt last night -the majority are made by posters who have some personal experience. I just get so exasperated when people profess that they "can't possibly understand" how or why another group of people end up making the kind of choices the first group are privileged enough not to have to consider. We're all just a couple of unfortunate decisions or circumstances away from finding ourselves leading lives we never imagined ourselves in.

I'm very sorry your childhood, and those of so many others, was made so unbearable by your parents' dysfunction

Because it may worse when you leave? Some xdh become completely absent from their dc life. The whole of his family are no longer part of your life. Not only has the marriage ended, the entire family connection may end too.

Being unable to end the relationship. It is such a hard physical step to take .

Does anyine really enjoy conflict?

Money.

This.

Its not just about money either (although money is a big factor). A very large percentage of women are socialised to believe they are not quite “whole” or “normal” if they aren’t attached to a man.

You can see why. Many young women, from pretty much as soon as they can talk, are bombarded with messages, some subtle, some less subtle, that reinforce the idea that finding and keeping a man is the pinnacle of success. Even those of us raised to be self sufficient and have high standards are suffused with these cues.

That kind of hard-wiring is hard to unpick.

My mother in law stayed in a lonely, unhappy marriage with an alcoholic because of “her vows”. As though she had signed up therefore had to stick it out, no matter what.

My mother stays with my alcoholic father because she chose to rely on him financially throughout her life and now she’s incapable of doing anything other than what she’s always done.

Was your relationship full of shouting matches, arguments, vile nasty swearing at each other day and night or were you too frightened to argue back?
That’s what the OP is asking.
We can give our experiences of living in the situation with parents who lived like this, so I describe “them” because it wasnt just “them” it was us, the children who were deeply deeply impacted by this behaviour.

As a 50 something grown ass woman, I cannot bear confrontation, raised voices. As an adult I am still affected.

Your situation sounds intolerable, it gave me knots in my stomach reading your post, I am sorry this was your life.

That’s why women stayed, years ago, when they couldn’t get a mortgage or HP without the signature of a man,

OP specifically asks "If you do, why?!"

Hence this thread shouldn't really have many references to 'they' or 'people'. OP is explicitly asking for lived experience.

Staying in a relationship that isn't fulfilling and may even be detrimental to one's wellbeing, let alone that of one's children, is easily one of the most distressing, demoralising and humiliating of experiences and it is particularly galling to see this grim life 'choice' referenced casually on this thread as 'loving the drama' and similarly glib analysis of other women's lives. Wtf?

I stayed in a relationship with a partner whose poor mental health made me fear for his safety for many years, and, on occasion, my own. He used me shamelessly as a co-regulation facility. His manipulation and charisma had me believing he was always just one decent break away from a well-being breakthrough, it was so convincing. Our finances were intertwined. He had ensured I knew that he was someone with no regard for social conventions, rules or agreements when the chips were down, and would make the life of anyone who'd cross him -I imagined myself in this category should I have the audacity to leave- very uncomfortable.

Having tip-toed around a man I felt powerless to leave, I now never judge a scared woman for staying where she is. I may feel sad for her loneliness and desperation and wish with all my heart that she'll find the courage to walk away; I might encourage her and offer support, but I won't judge.

Afraid of being alone? Financial concerns? Simple familiarity (the devil you know)? To not distress DC? Lazy?

That actually makes perfect sense.

My parents had what was to me, a deeply unhappy marriage. They rowed a lot, had post-row silent treatment and to
this day, I think they should’ve divorced. They were good people, but got on horribly. They were of a generation where divorce was deeply shameful - it was never even considered - such a failure would it be. Plus they were Catholic. They took their marriage vows seriously.

Despite this shocking example of a marriage my 3 siblings and I had, we’ve all managed to have wonderful, extremely happy ‘one and done’ marriages ourselves. This is pure luck, although I’ve modelled my marriage on not being like my parents. No raised voices, no petty grudges, no silent demands, no taking each other for granted - so perhaps they did me a favour.

Also, our parents were (surprisingly) unbelievably devoted to each other. My dad was absolutely devastated when my mum died. The one thing they sort of taught me, is that love comes in different forms.

A lot of people really enjoy conflict, and love the argument. Daresay they’d find my life boring but I prefer to get along with people. (I don’t mean abuse which is obviously a very different and complicated situation).

None of these for me. I kept thinking he’d change as he would temporarily. He wasn’t a good partner and he isn’t a good dad. Glad I left but it took courage.

Keeping up with the Joneses.

I think sometimes it’s hard to leave when being single feels impossible and hard. And sometimes being in a relationship is glamourised.

One reason that some psychology books give is that each partner needs to blame the other, to avoid noticing their own faults. Sometimes they separate for short periods, but then feel worse, and have to get back together.

Shocking realisation for me but my DM only likes it when relationships are that way! I thought she just had bad luck, nope! She's only ever liked “bad boys" ie abusive arseholes. She's permanently single now because she's probably too old to live that drama now. But she admits she couldn't deal with a nice man because she'd get bored!

This is a really thoughtful and honest post, and I'm glad things have worked out better in the end, and I am sure your dc have taken positives from the fact you didn't walk away - and from the fact you can be honest about being less than perfect

I often think on here that lots of people seem to treat relationships like a disposable commodity, like fast fashion.

It is good that people no longer feel compelled to stay where there is abuse, but rough patches often are not that.

@Netcurtainnelly I didn't say you did care. But you did say that they will split up eventually which is far from certain.

I couldn't care if they do or dont. Not my problem.

Lucky you.

Finances, including financial abuse and shared debt. Poor earning potential and a tough job market. Poor role modeling and seeing this type of relationship as normal. Low self-esteem. The “good times” seen as balancing the bad. Religious or family expectations, including their own expectations on themselves. Not trusting the other parent to care for the children well on their own. Feeling scared of what the partner might do if they leave. Neurodiversity that makes the admin of separation feel completely overwhelming. Hoping that things will improve if they can just XYZ (convince the partner to get counseling, learn how not to set them off, do better themselves, etc). The list is really fucking long, jeez.