Letting 11 yo dd go abroad with friend and family. Now I regret it

Don't do this, OP, it's insane (and I bet the teachers did know).

3 hours flight away is not that long. If somehow the worse was to happen, which it won't, you'd be there in under 5 hours or so. It's no big deal.

I think it might be a good thing for you to let her go and see that nothing terrible happens and that she has a wonderful time because you held off those anxious voices.

I know it's really tough to manage anxiety but this is a great opportunity to prove it wrong!

Sorry, my parents booked me flights to Australia to stay with my aunt there for over a month as my 11th Christmas present. I got to fly by myself, have a layover in Singapore and change planes and was absolutely fine. You’re falling apart for three days with a friend’s family. Please get some therapy for your anxiety because it will seriously hold your daughter back, patterning a fearful way of living to her. That would be a real shame.

She's 11 and it's 3 days. That's nothing to get wound up about.

Your anxiety should not be restricting her life experiences. If you haven't already sought help for it, you should.

Eleven years old is about the average for a first school trip abroad, so it's obviously deemed an appropriate age to go. And your daughter will be with a family, so there will be arguably more supervision than with a class full of kids and a couple of teachers. You mustn't hold your daughter back because of your anxiety or you will pass it on to her and affect the rest of her life.

When I was this age we were sent alone for a week to live with a French family, who my parents didn’t know, and who didn’t speak any English.

We were fine!

Let her go, what a great opportunity for her.

I went abroad for first time at that age with school. I don’t think it’s at all unusual.

Don’t ruin it for DD.

Your DD will be leaving home forever in the future and I think you need to find a way to get through this trip as a first step.
I'm so glad you're masking your anxiety in front of her, well done.

You can do this - you HAVE to for both your sakes.

What's the worst that can realistically happen? That she doesn't enjoy herself and has a miserable few days and then is back home safe with you. That would be a shame, but it wouldn't be a disaster. More likely is that she'll have a fun time and you by letting her go will be helped to deal with the worry that it's natural to feel; you'll get through it.

She needs to go on this trip.

Its only 3 days, she is with a good friend and adults you trust.

It is a fantastic opportunity and she will gain a lot from it.

11 is not young to be spending time away from you.

Your anxieties are your responsibility and while uncomfortable for you should not be allowed to negatively impact your Dd.

Of course she must go, get help and strategies to manage your anxiety for your own sake and for your DD’s.

I was once in your shoes, but with a school trip. So I took unpaid leave and went to the same destination, for the same duration and just kept my distance, nobody apart from dc knew, I kept my distance.

It’s booked now, it would be rude to cancel and upset your DD. I wouldn’t explain the anxieties to your daughter as this may make her anxious. I would speak to the family taking her and just mention casually to them you are a little apprehensive about her being away. I’m sure they would understand.
Get all the travel-accommodation details and arrange your daughter to check in with you once a day to put your mind at rest - a quick text message would do the job. She’ll probably have a fab time!

Your daughter is 11, she will be fine. Honestly, if it is causing you this much anxiety, you need to see your doctor and get some treatment. This level of anxiety is irrational and debilitating.

This summer my 11 year old son went to Europe for 8 days with Scouts, he's just about to go to secondary school. I worried about whether it was too much for him, he's fairly introverted. We were not allowed any contact for those 8 days (unless it was an emergency).

He had a wonderful time, he came home a little more confident in his abilities and he was walking a little bit taller. I understand that each child is different, my daughter would not be up for 8 days away at all, but it seems yours is.

I managed my worries by focusing on the little life lessons that he could get out of it. We packed his bag together, we thought about what things to pack to make his life easier whilst abroad. We talked about being organised; remembering to put on sun screen, to remembering to use bug spray, deal with his wet clothes, what he would do if he was feeling sad, making sure he could manage the money in his wallet etc.

I'm so pleased I let him go. I think it will be something he'll remember forever.

My DD went to Italy for a week at 11 without me

I think you should maybe seek some help for anxiety.

Nothing has happened it is just because the trip is booked and getting closer that my anxiety is spiralling, dd is very excited and has no idea of my anxiety as I am trying to be all smiles around her.

Then it would be even more cruel to ban her from going out of the blue.

I'm sorry but your mental health issues aren't your daughter's. You need to separate them.

You need to accept that you made a decision to allow your daughter to go abroad with her friend/family, and let her go. It's not your daughter's fault or responsibility to manage your anxiety. If you cancel the trip, your daughter will be extremely upset (and quite rightly so) and it also means you are giving in to your anxiety.

No, you won't be able to hop on a plane if your daughter is homesick, but this is something you surely discussed with her before agreeing to the trip?! If your daughter is homesick, she'll have to stick it out... it's 3 days, not 3 weeks.

Are you receiving any professional help for your anxiety? If not, please try to find someone to help you. Don't hold your daughter back, because of your own emotions/feelings.

Firstly It’s on you are feeling this way. But it’s also not a normal level of anxiety I would say. I would be the EXACT same as you but I know it’s not proportionate and I will have to work on that when the time comes for me as I do not want to project my anxieties to my kids. You’ve also had this feeling when the idea of the trip came up but deep down knew it was the right thing to book it so well done.

Let your daughter go and have a wonderful experience. Make plans for things to do for yourself while she is away. DD aged 8 flew to America on her own to stay with relatives for Christmas. Children have to develop independence and so do you.

This is your anxiety, don’t make it your DD’s problem. Wave her off with the biggest smile you can muster, then seek support. I say this as the child of a wonderful, but very anxious mother, but also a very relaxed and equally wonderful father. He made sure I was confident and could face the world and all it has to offer (good and bad).

There’s a part of your brain that is there to keep you safe, so it constantly looks for threats and catastrophises. It never thinks through the lovely safe possibilities because there’s no need to plan for those. It’s why anxiety spirals: you know it’s not in proportion to the reality of the situation. I’m so anxious I actually sewed AirTags into my kid’s clothes when he went on a holiday camp, so I honestly do get it. But what I didn’t do was tell him he couldn’t go.

A PP has it right - don’t let her world be smaller because of your anxiety. I went abroad for a week when I was 11 on a school trip. She will be fine. You may be a nervous wreck throughout, but suck it up. And maybe it will help you next time to draw on this experience. Good luck!

I agree with PPs, OP. The anxiety is yours to learn to manage, and not something you should be even contemplating allowing to curtail your child’s life. I get that it’s difficult.

This is a really good point!

Try and let this be a catalyst to seek treatment for your anxiety op. If your dd is excited to go, and you trust the other parents, there is no rational reason your dd won’t enjoy such a short trip.

If she needs you for any reason, she can text you can’t she on a phone belonging to her hosts if she doesn’t have one herself?

And breathe! Try not to show your anxiety to your dd. It’ll be such a gift to her to go and enjoy this trip and even if she finds parts of it challenging, it will be a great experience for you both.