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Original poster

to ask if you consider this a real 'date' and he's flaking?

88 replies

AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 22:24

I wasn't sure whether to post on my original thread or not, but the algorithm didn't seem to pick up my update!

I went on a date last weekend, after being hotly pursued by this guy. It lasted 10 hours! Major chemistry, laughs, and physical flirtation though no kiss yet. As soon as he got home he messaged to ask me to go a show next week (three different dates we can go, tbc).

In the meantime, I thought I'd love to see him before then and want to show interest as he's done for me. Therefore I asked him to meet for lunch or dinner when we're working in the same area tomorrow. He replied 'oh yes definitely! I should be around' - so then as I know his work schedule is gruelling currently compared to mine I said well I'm quite flexible so just give me an idea of what time suits'. This was two days ago, he hasn't responded. He did watch my stories on Instagram this morning.

Am I right in thinking he's just not as interested as he appeared to be on date one? I don't really think I should chase this up. It's sort of an interim date to our next date, but it still counts surely.

OP posts:
Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 03/09/2026 23:21

AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 23:18

Can I ask - do people think I should clarify with him whether he's looking for friendship or dating?

If he asks me to the show that is. I don't want to be too much but if @BlankettedRugs is right, I could very well become his handy companion - ie. not what I want at all!

No. Just don’t do anything!

Anextrasetofhands11 · 03/09/2026 23:19

Pizzapies · 03/09/2026 22:57

You might be giving off slightly stalkerish vibes. You sound absolutely obsessed! I’d just chill out and wait for the next scheduled date. Ten hours is quite intense for a first date. Take time to process it

I don't think she does. Just confused about the dating game and where the chess pieces go..... Not nice to call someone you don't know a stalker and obsessed.

Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 23:18

Can I ask - do people think I should clarify with him whether he's looking for friendship or dating?

If he asks me to the show that is. I don't want to be too much but if @BlankettedRugs is right, I could very well become his handy companion - ie. not what I want at all!

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 23:15

LittleMonks11 · 03/09/2026 23:14

Maybe he’s the type who just likes the thrill of the chase then gets bored. I would definitely err it not message him again. If he doesn’t message you then all will be clear.

Yes, and I know I need to be careful here as I'm still a bit fragile after my break up last year. This is making me think I'm not ready for all that again.

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 03/09/2026 23:14

Maybe he’s the type who just likes the thrill of the chase then gets bored. I would definitely err it not message him again. If he doesn’t message you then all will be clear.

Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 23:14

JMSA · 03/09/2026 23:11

I once dated a guy who always wanted to see me before our next planned date. I found it a bit annoying and intrusive, especially as it was still very early stages and I was just getting to know him. My instinct was right though; I ended up blocking him as he was just too much.
I’m not saying you’re like that, OP, not at all! But not everyone likes, or can manage, impromptu dates.

I'm generally not like that. As I say, I got the impression he thought maybe my life was too busy to fit him in. I could tell from the things he was saying.

So that's why I suggested this tomorrow when I'm free. Seems like this is a bigger deal than I realised, I didn't mean to put him off.

OP posts:
YourAmberExpert · 03/09/2026 23:12

Throwing in an extra random interim date has sort of thrown it off ?

JMSA · 03/09/2026 23:11

I once dated a guy who always wanted to see me before our next planned date. I found it a bit annoying and intrusive, especially as it was still very early stages and I was just getting to know him. My instinct was right though; I ended up blocking him as he was just too much.
I’m not saying you’re like that, OP, not at all! But not everyone likes, or can manage, impromptu dates.

Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 23:11

@BlankettedRugs I wonder if I should flat out ask what he's looking for - friendship or dates?

not to ruin the mystique but it would clarify.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 23:09

@BlankettedRugs I am actually suspecting this.

And the reason is, I thought he'd up for a meet up even if it wasn't some big fancy event. Originally, we were going to go for a simple coffee and walk. Then instead he suggested that show. Now he's suggested another show. He's not from here, so I also think this is his way of seeing the city (I'm a native).

I got my heart broken last year. Properly. So I'm gun shy now, while wanting to enjoy the connections. But not ignore red flags.

While we were together, he did seem genuinely interested in knowing me. He asked me more questions than any guy I've dated for sure. But...what you said here resonated. So the question is, do I go to that next show anyway? Bear in mind he also didn't try to kiss me or escalate on that first date beyond a quick hand hold/stroke and a shoulder rub.

OP posts:
BlankettedRugs · 03/09/2026 23:03

Someone who is a bit flaky and gets put off by suggesting meeting (and can't even give a polite excuse) probably isn't someone the OP should take seriously emotionally.

If he's been messaging her a lot suggesting a meet isn't like randomly turning up to his parents house in a wedding dress!

If the suggestion was a show I wonder if he's just a fun sociable guy who likes doing stuff with attractive women.

He likes the idea of seeing the show, taking a date is a good way to give himself the experience.

In general I think the guys who've been properly keen on "me" and serious about me in particular are up for meeting even if it is a bit rushed or not a perfect night out.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 03/09/2026 23:00

I genuinely find it interesting how difficult some people find it to just…chill. Wait and see.

OP, don’t chase him up, don’t make any decisions, don’t do anything. Wait and see what he comes back with, if he comes back with anything.

Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 22:58

Pizzapies · 03/09/2026 22:57

You might be giving off slightly stalkerish vibes. You sound absolutely obsessed! I’d just chill out and wait for the next scheduled date. Ten hours is quite intense for a first date. Take time to process it

eek I don't think so. If anything, he's been the one hotly pursuing over the last month. I suggested this to look as proactive as he's been, hopefully doesn't backfire on me!

You're right about the 10 hour date. It was a lot, in a lovely way. But still a lot.

OP posts:
Pizzapies · 03/09/2026 22:57

You might be giving off slightly stalkerish vibes. You sound absolutely obsessed! I’d just chill out and wait for the next scheduled date. Ten hours is quite intense for a first date. Take time to process it

Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 22:57

PollyBell · 03/09/2026 22:53

Maybe he is busy i would hate to feel pressured like this there is work time and date time and eep my life in compartments

we met at his workplace because I have ties there too (won't bore you with details). but basically that's why I'm there tomorrow, so we'll be a 5 minute walk apart.

he's also now been on instagram posting but still not replying to me. Yeah - I dunno. We will see.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 22:55

dracn · 03/09/2026 22:51

To be honest I would never have suggested the lunch date and I might be mildly irked that you suggested it if I were him.

He already came back to you immediately with plans for your next date, maybe it’s just my personality type but I would have accepted this and then looked forward to it. You suggesting an interim date at a time when you know he’s busy just throws it all into chaos. It’s too much.

@dracn yes but it's not booked yet. So not officially set up to look forward to.

I didn't mean to irk him and to be fair he replied sounding keen! So he can't have been that irked surely. God dating is a minefield :(

OP posts:
BlankettedRugs · 03/09/2026 22:54

AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 22:24

I wasn't sure whether to post on my original thread or not, but the algorithm didn't seem to pick up my update!

I went on a date last weekend, after being hotly pursued by this guy. It lasted 10 hours! Major chemistry, laughs, and physical flirtation though no kiss yet. As soon as he got home he messaged to ask me to go a show next week (three different dates we can go, tbc).

In the meantime, I thought I'd love to see him before then and want to show interest as he's done for me. Therefore I asked him to meet for lunch or dinner when we're working in the same area tomorrow. He replied 'oh yes definitely! I should be around' - so then as I know his work schedule is gruelling currently compared to mine I said well I'm quite flexible so just give me an idea of what time suits'. This was two days ago, he hasn't responded. He did watch my stories on Instagram this morning.

Am I right in thinking he's just not as interested as he appeared to be on date one? I don't really think I should chase this up. It's sort of an interim date to our next date, but it still counts surely.

Tbh, if he's really into you he won't be put off by anything.

You don't need to over think being "breezy" or subtle or messaging at the right time.

Obviously a lot of crazy intense messages is probably not a good idea but a simple one will show where you stand.

I'd be shitting myself but also it's better to bite the bullet. I'd message him NOW tonight before it's too late.

"Hey,

Hope all well!

How are things looking for

(I) Lunch or dinner tomorrow
(II) The big show?

Xx AmberCatz"

Then don't message him again.

His good response, or flakiness, or lack or response will be all the information you need for the next stage.

If he's boyfriend material he'll make the next stage easy, if you feel uneasy or he leaves you hanging probably not.

PollyBell · 03/09/2026 22:53

Maybe he is busy i would hate to feel pressured like this there is work time and date time and eep my life in compartments

dracn · 03/09/2026 22:51

To be honest I would never have suggested the lunch date and I might be mildly irked that you suggested it if I were him.

He already came back to you immediately with plans for your next date, maybe it’s just my personality type but I would have accepted this and then looked forward to it. You suggesting an interim date at a time when you know he’s busy just throws it all into chaos. It’s too much.

Ace56 · 03/09/2026 22:50

I would wait until tomorrow to see if he contacts you about lunch/dinner. That’ll be your answer. If he was really into you he wouldn’t ‘forget’ and would be booking the show/actively arranging a date to see you again. Leave the ball in his court and you won’t have to wait long for your answer!

Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 22:45

Thesafetygeneral · 03/09/2026 22:43

I would never meet a love interest / date during my lunch break. It’s too stressful. Work is stressful, getting a lunch break is one thing, knowing when I’ll grab 30 mins is another. You’ve only met once so I wouldn’t read anything into that.

yeah maybe this is my mistake then?

Maybe, giving benefit of the doubt, he wanted to sound keen but now has gone off doing it during the work day. But I mean, dinner was possible too.

I think we don't know each other well enough yet.

OP posts:
Rhubarbsoap · 03/09/2026 22:45

I do remember from before I met my husband (second husband..)
I hadn’t dated like that before as I met my 1st DH really young.

It can be harsh and you have to be firm and strong at times and try not to get attached too early! I hate all the games though and wondering what/when to make contact.

Thesafetygeneral · 03/09/2026 22:43

I would never meet a love interest / date during my lunch break. It’s too stressful. Work is stressful, getting a lunch break is one thing, knowing when I’ll grab 30 mins is another. You’ve only met once so I wouldn’t read anything into that.

Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 22:43

Rhubarbsoap · 03/09/2026 22:36

If the show date is a definite (booked and paid for and logistics agreed etc) I would honestly leave the lunch date.
You have only been on 1 date, and to have another one so soon, when the official second date is already planned may seem a bit much to him ?

part of the reason I did this was because I feel up until now he's done most of the pursuing. He then said when asking my plans for this week 'wow you seem really busy compared to me' - I wanted to show i can make space for him in my life. He said a few things that sounded like he felt I was really busy.

I am but I will always make time for the right guy and am keen to!

OP posts:
Original poster
AmberCatz · 03/09/2026 22:42

Rhubarbsoap · 03/09/2026 22:38

Ok so the second date isn’t booked… I personally would feel if he really did want this Show date he’d have pulled his finger out and sorted it.

I had the best first date with him too - you get your hopes up. I felt he was special.

He said he would come back to me on the show this week so I suppose the real test is whether he sorts that out say this weekend or not. Ah I bloody hate being back into dating! Remembering why I don't bother....

OP posts: