to ask if you consider this a real 'date' and he's flaking?

If he's feeling the stalker vibes that I am, I suspect he's fading it out

Bloody hell OP just chill out. If he contacts you he contacts you, if he doesn't then fuck him. Why do women obsess so much about men they're dating? You'd NEVER see them getting worked up about women!

She’s done nothing wrong! This guy is not interested , that’s all. Dust yourself down OP and plan some nice things with yourself and friends. Shake it off! Don’t message him again. If he messages you, be wary. If he didn’t kiss you despite opportunities? Then he doesn’t fancy you. Doesn’t mean you’re not attractive and fanciable to others.

I think you're overkeen and overthinking. This was a bonus meetup, you know his work is intense, so it might not happen. Try for that second date that you've pencilled in, that's the real test.

You've done nothing wrong.

I'm quite a cold fish but as I said I don't think anything you do early on can be construed as "off putting" to the right guy for you.

You sent a polite invite to a guy you've been communicating with, you weren't turning up physically with no arrangement asking for attention!

If he felt smothered he could have just politely made an excuse.

It seems a bit like he wants to charm you, to keep you available but at a distance so you don't make too many requests, and he can meet others or see you on his schedule only?

Hence he's not messaged you for 2 days, he likes the attention but is worried you'll bring up physical meets when he doesn't like you enough to make time for these.

Especially if you're both child free and youngish I think if someone likes you there's just no doubt early on, you're not wondering.

There's nothing you can do to put him off unless you have some really mad secrets or change your appearance and personality completely.

Men that age who are available and open to a 1-1 relationship aren't risk averse when they identify someone for serious interest.

Their messages and dates might not be perfect or fun and flirty but they treat it like securing a job. As long as you're responsive and available they want to seal the deal.

I had a hookup with someone, he asked if I could come out for lunch that day.

I looked out my window and he was standing on my doorstep on his phone.... sending me a message to suggest come visit his family farm (which I guess would have meant seeing his family).

I saw him at a party after, he cornered me for an unprompted chat about how he didn't do casual.

And this was a young guy who comes across as a bit "laddish" without great messaging or social skills and who I'd had a drunken hookup with.

Whereas I've had nice well-planned first dates with guys where things just fizzle out, or maybe they breadcrumb if they want to keep me on hold for attention.

This.

you’ve met him once - have a vague plan for round two, and are trying to invade my working days.

I’d honestly run a mile abd think you were overkeen and were going to be hard work.

Chuck him back before you get too invested. He’s far more casual about it than you are. If he’s keen he’d have been in touch, not just watching your stories.
Even if he can’t do lunch he’d definitely have kept communication open outside of lunchtime .

it’s pretty much Friday now, he said ‘this week’ ref booking the show.
please don’t chase him up now ref lunch or show.
you already offered lunch and he’s kept you hanging.

in my experience chasing people up goes one of two ways: ghosting or half hearted effort and attempts at getting a shag before they inevitably ghost you. Someone who is interested will be far more proactive than this and you won’t need to chase.

He’s showing at the very least that he’s slack and I don’t think he’s going to be able to meet your expectations for communication if you did get more involved.

Unfortunately many men are like this. They pursue and pursue until they get you. Then they back off. Thrill of the chase and all that.
If first date was intense that was your warning sign.

Sorry.

OP things take time to develop, you sound in a rush to make your plans and deal with any issues. Leave a bit of time. See if he contacts you, see how you feel about him after a few more interactions.

Yes there's definitely a few guys who give a good date, but dating mainly to do activities with people their own age (hobby groups can be full of older people and weird people).

Or build more attractive contacts on social media... If you've got a good Instagram network maybe he wants access?

It's hard to build a support network of attractive established mainstream people in a new city, dating is a way to fast-forward it.

I went on a first date with an eligible guy new to town, he was so polite, attentivs, paid etc. We went for a walk but no physicality.

He messaged a lot, suggested tennis for our next meet, he cancelled due to work.

I message suggesting seeing a play, and he said he wasn't interested. Then no suggestions (maybe he'd have been interested if I'd invited him to a party haha).

If he was really into you, you'd be his social priority. Not in a stalker way but he'd be interested in sealing the deal quickly (not sex, but you'd be priority over other social stuff).

If he's into you he'll know after a 10 hour date and having messaged/known of you for a month. He'll want the chance to speak his mind and impress you.

He won't need time to make up his mind. If another guy swoops in he'll be upset.

I think if I was you I would message just as I wouldn't want to be hanging around all weekend seeing if he came back about the show? I'd want to clarify and know my schedule.

But also not messaging and just waiting it out is an option.

If he's into you he won't be put off by whatever you ask. If you haven't messaged him in two days you're hardly overwhelming him!

It sounds like your intuition is saying he's drifted after initially pursuing you.

I wouldn't want to be on his list of "social networking options" if I wasn't after friendship. Or if friendship was fine with me I wouldn't prioritise him over dates.

With kindness, OP, it doesn’t sound like you’re ready to jump back into the dating world - suggesting an interim date this early on is quite full-on, and the fact you thought he was “special” after a first date makes me think you might be projecting quite a bit (we’ve all done it). Also, if he said yes to lunch then didn’t bother replying, he’s a flakey fucker. It sounds like you’re understandably very anxious about dating after last year, so better to take some time out and focus on your self esteem - you’ll attract FAR better guys that way too!

I think you’re right not to message. Sometimes people go off the boil after a good date. They might act all excited on the date or straight after but for some reason they can change their mind after all. I have done it myself.

Good! Every time you’re tempted come back here and read the comments.

If he texts and arranges the date, great. If not, you’ve dodged a bullet but at least you won’t have lost your dignity by texting him to follow up.

Remember your worth!

Maybe he just didn’t get the message.

“If he wanted to, he would”. It really is that simple when it comes to dating OP. A man that wants you makes it very clear.

I mean this kindly but the dating world is brutal, and you need thick skin. A 10 hour first date is far too long, it creates a false sense of intimacy.

Please don’t text him again, he knows you’re interested and he knows exactly what he’s doing. No man is too busy to text and arrange a date, no response is a response.

Definitely don’t message him again. I’d see if he gets in touch about to arrange going to the show at the weekend.

don’t beat yourself up if he doesn’t get in touch - I doubt it was your suggestion of lunch. If he was as interested as he came across on your date it would take more than that to put him off. Especially if he’s the one that’s been overly keen before now

is it normal for him to leave it this long between texts? If not, that’s maybe another indication that he’s not as interested as the impression he gave