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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to decline going to 90th birthday party?

39 replies

Bookworm05 · 03/09/2026 21:04

We've been invited to my step dad's mums 90th birthday party. The only thing is, we live four hours away from the party and have two young children (age 6 and 2). The party is on a Sunday. It would be an eight hour round trip (without stop offs!) to travel on the Sunday, with school the next day. If we stayed over the night before, we would also miss Halloween, which sounds daft but it's my 6 year old's favourite day of the year with her friends!
With it being half term that week, we are also taking a trip to see other family for a few days, and it's both of my children's birthdays at the start of the half term too.
The rest of the extended family are going to the party. I feel like I'm being difficult but it's such bad timing for a party and feels too much for us!
AIBU for not wanting to go?

OP posts:
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RebeccaRedhat · 06/09/2026 20:23

I would go if it was me. She might not see 91!

LarryForPrimeMinister · 04/09/2026 08:01

Just facetime someone whose going to be there and say a quick happy birthday, easy done with today's technology.

Original poster
Bookworm05 · 04/09/2026 07:27

Thanks everyone! We've decided to skip the party, but whilst on our trip in the week will go and see her at home. She lives two hours away from where we are seeing other family. Phew, it'll be a lot of driving that week! And to those asking, my own mum planned the party, knowing full well it would be difficult for us to get to! She said she wanted the party to be on her birthday. My mum even comes to our house each Sunday evening to stay over and do the school run for eldest/childcare for youngest each Monday so she also has to be back. My partner is considering seeing if he can take the day off on Monday so she doesn't have to rush back.

OP posts:
Giraffehaver · 04/09/2026 01:24

It may be the last time you see that person

YourAmberExpert · 04/09/2026 00:28

BunkBedsArePeopleShelves · 03/09/2026 21:43

I'd just have one or more childer develop a convenient cough that you wouldn't want to pass on to a ninety year old...😉

Nope 🤷‍♀️

BunkBedsArePeopleShelves · 04/09/2026 00:26

caringcarer · 03/09/2026 21:47

If go because not too many live until 90, so it will probably be her last big birthday and she probably wants all the people she loves to be with her that day. Maybe perhaps leave a bit early as long journey back with DC.

All the people she lives is unlikely to be her sons wifes child and grandchildren.

MelonSorbet · 04/09/2026 00:21

I can't think of any way to make this sound less bad, but at 90 there's no guarantee she'll even make it to the end of October. So I wouldn't be deciding either way just yet.

Freshrain · 04/09/2026 00:16

I wouldn't , even without the dc.

I presume the party isn't going to be in the morning, so at best, afternoon into the evening, or potentially all the evening.
If I were teaching on the Monday morning I would NOT be doing a (minimum) 4 hour drive home on the Sunday night, even without small dc.

It is a shame to miss it, but whoever arranged it for her could have thought the timing through a bit better - it is clearly not ideal for anyone who has to travel any distance to be attending a party on the night before they go to work.

seahorsessky · 03/09/2026 23:57

Yes, you are more likely to many other opportunities to see the other people you discussed, but not to have the chance to go to another "big" birthday for this person, and while a lot of people don't care about birthdays, at that age, it's clearly something they want to celebrate, so I'd make the effort.

TallSturdyGirls · 03/09/2026 23:29

I would go but probably leave the kids with their Dad.

BrilliantBetty · 03/09/2026 23:09

It’s completely understandable. Send some flowers or some wine and a birthday card.. hop of to a FaceTime call if possible during the party to ‘show your face’. And thats it. An 8hour round trip with two young kids with school the next day would be mad.

User573359 · 03/09/2026 22:54

No way. If it was important for you to be there, they wouldn't have organised it to be on a Sunday. That's way too far for a Sunday event when you don't have the option of staying over after. Have you looked at the cost of flights?

Swissmeringue · 03/09/2026 22:29

Just go alone, set off at kids bedtime on the Saturday so you don't miss out on Halloween with them. Get a hotel Saturday night, go to the party and drive home after.

jetlag92 · 03/09/2026 22:10

Personally I would go, it would mean a lot to an old woman on her birthday

MissCooCooMcgoo · 03/09/2026 22:08

That's madness no way would I do that trip!

GarlicSomething · 03/09/2026 22:00

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/09/2026 21:57

Personally I'd go if it was someone who I used to be close to, but I'd not take the kids. Either I'd go without my husband if no one could look after them (after all its you she wants to see) or see if someone would take them for Saturday night to Sunday night

Yes, going by yourself is an obvious compromise. Otherwise, send some combination of a massive card, flowers, cake, video message.

OverpricedCupcake · 03/09/2026 21:58

You even need to ask?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/09/2026 21:57

Personally I'd go if it was someone who I used to be close to, but I'd not take the kids. Either I'd go without my husband if no one could look after them (after all its you she wants to see) or see if someone would take them for Saturday night to Sunday night

Snowyowl99 · 03/09/2026 21:55

Bookworm05 · 03/09/2026 21:19

Thanks all! Love my stepdad. We were closer to his mum when I was a teenager but obviously since growing up, having my own family and living so far away we don't see them as much. I guess I'd definitely be more up for going if I didn't have to work the next day. I'm a teacher so can't take the day off to break the journey home up. The kids will nap in the car and then be up half the night. Eek. It just feels a lot, but maybe you're right and we should make the effort.

Edited

I would make the effort ...as you are close to step dad . At 90 she hasn't a lot of time ahead and I think I'd regret not being there on a very significant birthday . I would imagine she would love to see you all. I know its inconvenient for you...but its doable

GarlicSomething · 03/09/2026 21:54

Bookworm05 · 03/09/2026 21:28

@canklesmctacotits I agree! My mum even said that my stepdad's mum would probably only stay an hour because she doesn't like being out much.

Ah, that's different!

My stepdad had big birthday parties up until his 97th. People did travel a long way because it mattered to him, and he mattered to them. If your gran isn't even that keen on parties, give it a miss. Phone your stepdad so he doesn't feel you're letting HIM down.

HorseandHeron · 03/09/2026 21:54

Just say you can't make it due to small children, long journey and school next day. But you're recording her a video to wish her happy birthday to be played at some point, and send her a big bunch of flowers or a cake to add to the birthday tea.

PermanentlyExhaustedPigeonZZZ · 03/09/2026 21:52

Can you arrange a video message they can play her? I'd never subject my children to that level of insane travelling in one day, let alone the day before school.

bababamama · 03/09/2026 21:51

I’d go and travel on the Saturday, there’s usually Halloween parties the week leading up so no need to miss out

ShakyBake · 03/09/2026 21:50

Old neighbour of ours turned 100 a couple of years ago, we have since moved to a new area about 3 hours away and was undecided if should go to party. We did and I can honestly say it was the best one I have ever been to, she had a giant cake and 4 Chippendales inside. Jamie Oliver's friend (Jimmy ?) did the BBQ. Free unlimited drinks and pig racing where the winner won a hamper and the loser did a lap of the barn naked

So my point is just because of the age of someone please do no write it off until you've tried it

ToddlerTime45532 · 03/09/2026 21:48

I don't even know how I would:

  • entertain a 2 year old for 4 hours in a car seat
  • then expect him to be perfectly behaved and happy for all the extended relatives he doesn't know in the middle of a loud party
  • then do another 4 hour drive
  • then be sane for work on Monday morning

My own mother wouldn't ask me for this.

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