Page 3 | to leave ten year old twins in a cafe while I swim?

justkeepswimminginalake · 2026-09-03T19:45:31+00:00

I’m a single parent to ten year old twins and I was hoping to start open water swimming again. There’s a swimming lake near me which has an onsite cafe and I was thinking about leaving the boys in the cafe by themselves while I swim. We’ve been to the cafe a few times and it’s fairly chilled, mostly swimmers (and their friends/families), young families and old people. It’s also next door to the reception area for the swimming lakes so if they feel uncomfortable there’s somewhere else they can go. Would I be unreasonable to order them breakfast and a drink and leave them there for half an hour while I swim. They’re generally pretty sensible and I’d pack Yotos with headphones, and some games and books for them to entertain themselves. There’s no one else who can take them.

ThatHangryRubyReader · 06/09/2026 06:42

Oh Im so happy it worked out well. I pray that you are able to have regular swims. Go you OP.

TheEdgyMoose · 06/09/2026 00:04

MorganKitten · 05/09/2026 23:51

You’re saying they don’t need help eating so wouldn’t need to be supervised by staff, as someone who has seen children left at cafes they do get bored, staff feel responsible either way. So you are asking staff to keep an eye on them… if they get up and leave, what do you think should happen? The staff ignore it or feel like they should do something?
You are being selfish.

They've been to the cafe. Everything was fine. Everyone was happy (including the staff). Doing something for yourself once in a while doesn't make you selfish.

Tourmalines · 06/09/2026 00:04

Great update . Go for it . Enjoy your swimming .

wandawaves · 05/09/2026 23:54

Great update OP! Hopefully it continues going well, and you can finally enjoy some swimming time.

MorganKitten · 05/09/2026 23:51

You’re saying they don’t need help eating so wouldn’t need to be supervised by staff, as someone who has seen children left at cafes they do get bored, staff feel responsible either way. So you are asking staff to keep an eye on them… if they get up and leave, what do you think should happen? The staff ignore it or feel like they should do something?
You are being selfish.

MorganKitten · 05/09/2026 23:51

You’re saying they don’t need help eating so wouldn’t need to be supervised by staff, as someone who has seen children left at cafes they do get bored, staff feel responsible either way. So you are asking staff to keep an eye on them… if they get up and leave, what do you think should happen? The staff ignore it or feel like they should do something?
You are being selfish.

Copperoliverbear · 05/09/2026 23:23

No.

Goldenbear · 05/09/2026 22:38

TheEdgyMoose · 05/09/2026 22:23

Must not happen then. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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I'm sure it happens but I don't think it's prolific.

Goldenbear · 05/09/2026 22:36

kathmacc · 05/09/2026 22:25

I live in London and in my area kids from 9/10years upwards travel independently on public transport and meet friends. From 11years old mine and other kids left home from 7am onwards and travelled independently to school and home again later - depends where you live I suppose!

Not in the parts of London that I know very well.

kathmacc · 05/09/2026 22:25

I live in London and in my area kids from 9/10years upwards travel independently on public transport and meet friends. From 11years old mine and other kids left home from 7am onwards and travelled independently to school and home again later - depends where you live I suppose!

TheEdgyMoose · 05/09/2026 22:23

Goldenbear · 05/09/2026 22:19

10 year olds regularly taking public transport, I don't personally see that very much at all.

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Must not happen then. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Goldenbear · 05/09/2026 22:19

OrdinaryGirl · 05/09/2026 18:56

Crikey - 35 pages of comments! Haven’t RTFT, but FWIW, OP, I have ten year old twin boys who are responsible and capable and would be fine with this.
They would eat their breakfast quietly and tidily at a table out of the way, and read a book without bothering anybody. I have left them for short periods in a cafe and reading in a library with no issue at all.
All the folk saying how irresponsible it is to do this - I’m wondering what their views are on the similar-aged children who regularly take public transport unaccompanied. Or young carers. It really does depend on what your kids are like.
Assuming they aren’t causing harm or annoyance to others or property, children are allowed to move around in society without being constantly monitored. I’m very confused at the strength of feeling about your post.

10 year olds regularly taking public transport, I don't personally see that very much at all.

Goldenbear · 05/09/2026 22:18

Hyperbolically · 05/09/2026 19:44

You’re right. She should wrap herself in cotton wool and only unwrap herself when they’re 21 in case the should need her. I wonder if it’s too late to reinsert them into her body for safe keeping.

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Living up to your poster name there!

Goldenbear · 05/09/2026 22:17

TheJuryIsOut · 05/09/2026 21:18

I wasn't taught any sort of housework, cleaning, cooking, basically any sort of life skills as a child/teen. I then moved out at 17 and had absolutely no idea how to do anything. I'm not exaggerating when I say it took me years to teach myself these things because I didn't even know where to start. I had no idea how to get into any sort of routine and because none of it was second nature to me it took a very long time to form good habits. Had I been taught things from a young age and gradually learnt how to be an adult, formed good habits etc then I wouldn't have struggled so much.

I've taught all my kids how to keep a house running and how to cook, it's taken several years to get them to a stage where I think they'd be ok running their own house. Thinking that you can just teach your kids nothing and they'll be absolutely fine is pretty naive.

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Well, like all opinions, that's pretty subjective. I disagree, as both my brother and I had lots done for us. I would offer to clean but was never asked to do so and both of us were absolutely fine. It isn't hard to learn to clean or cook IMO.

TheJuryIsOut · 05/09/2026 21:18

Goldenbear · 05/09/2026 13:17

Well you can, that's a bit like saying students can't learn to cook for themselves or clean up after themselves when they go to university, which is not exactly a hard thing to grasp if you have more than two brain cells! Besides, that's a bit of a difference between a ten year old and a 15/16 year old, what about the years in between to discover your independence, a 13 year old and a 10 year old is different again. One is a child still with a child's perception the other is a teen with a totally different approach to risk etc.

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I wasn't taught any sort of housework, cleaning, cooking, basically any sort of life skills as a child/teen. I then moved out at 17 and had absolutely no idea how to do anything. I'm not exaggerating when I say it took me years to teach myself these things because I didn't even know where to start. I had no idea how to get into any sort of routine and because none of it was second nature to me it took a very long time to form good habits. Had I been taught things from a young age and gradually learnt how to be an adult, formed good habits etc then I wouldn't have struggled so much.

I've taught all my kids how to keep a house running and how to cook, it's taken several years to get them to a stage where I think they'd be ok running their own house. Thinking that you can just teach your kids nothing and they'll be absolutely fine is pretty naive.

Original poster

justkeepswimminginalake · 05/09/2026 21:18

justkeepswimminginalake · 05/09/2026 21:05

Believe me my boys have no issue with raising every minor gripe they have and if they didn’t want to go they’d say. The novelty may well wear off and I won’t force something that isn’t working.

About the home ed and socialisation (and I know you didn’t ask all this but just keeping it together) Saturday mornings aren’t the only time to socialise. My job is a fairly standard WFH office job, and because I have no direct reports and my meetings are fairly regular I can structure my day to work around the boys. They follow an online school and so we’re all plugged in while they have their lessons. It’s so vastly different from having them home during Covid. Some of my job I can do from my iPad so my arrangement with my manager is that when I take them out, the travel time is roughly my lunch break time, and because they’re older and don’t need me to hover I can work on my iPad when they’re out. They also have local HE friends who they can walk to see on days when I can’t leave work. It’s pretty finely balanced and a lot of juggling, but their social lives really aren’t wanting for lack of a Saturday morning class.

The difference with me swimming and saying I can’t take 90 minutes to swim is that I’ve already used up a significant amount of goodwill and flexibility on behalf of the boys, and their schooling and socialising comes first. The other difference is it’s only the drive when I’m uncontactable, but if I were to swim it would be the drive and the activity. Hope that makes sense.

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I just want to add to this, that by not forcing something if it’s not working doesn’t mean that (assuming the first few sessions go ok) I’ll sack it off at the first signs of grumpiness either. It’s a delicate balance and I don’t want to make them feel guilty or responsible for the fact that I’ve made sacrifices to raise them because that’s expected for a parent, they are getting to be old enough to under that in a family sometimes you don’t get your choice all the time. If they’re uncomfortable then of course I wouldn’t force that, but if it’s just that they’d rather not then I don’t think it’s unfair of me to remind them that sometimes you do something that wouldn’t be your first choice to make someone else happy. It’s tricky balance to strike and I don’t know what will happen though.

OP posts:

Original poster

justkeepswimminginalake · 05/09/2026 21:05

Goinggreymammy · 05/09/2026 16:29

Im back again
This thread has been on my mind today and I've been asking myself is it because OP would be doing something for herself that it doesn't sit right with me. Honestly, no. It's good children see their parents having a life. I think what's bothering me is two things .. that they are sort of stuck in the situation, and the probable repetitive nature.
If two kids go to a cafe by themselves, they can leave if they feel at ease, someone tries to engage them in chat and they don't feel comfortable, if they have an argument etc. Someone asked if OP had posted "my 10 year old want to be more independent and go toa cafe for 30 mins" would everyone be saying definitely yes, this is good for them. But this isn't the same. It's a situation that would be thrust on them, weekly, and the novelty might quickly wear off. Then they might start behaving in a way.that would surprise OP who thinks they are very sensible 10 year olds! I've been a teacher 30 years and very few 10 year old are reliably sensible, repeatedly. So its totally different to two friends going to local shop etc independently as they choose to go,and can leave when they choose

Also, (i will be flamed for this but here goes....) if I had 2 ten year old boys who were homeschooling and in OPs own words "rely on her for all their socialisation" I would be trying to get them into hobbies or clubs on a Saturday morning, with other kids rather than sat in a cafe by themselves. And will they even be so enthusiastic about spending every Sat morning in a cafe for long more?

Believe me my boys have no issue with raising every minor gripe they have and if they didn’t want to go they’d say. The novelty may well wear off and I won’t force something that isn’t working.

About the home ed and socialisation (and I know you didn’t ask all this but just keeping it together) Saturday mornings aren’t the only time to socialise. My job is a fairly standard WFH office job, and because I have no direct reports and my meetings are fairly regular I can structure my day to work around the boys. They follow an online school and so we’re all plugged in while they have their lessons. It’s so vastly different from having them home during Covid. Some of my job I can do from my iPad so my arrangement with my manager is that when I take them out, the travel time is roughly my lunch break time, and because they’re older and don’t need me to hover I can work on my iPad when they’re out. They also have local HE friends who they can walk to see on days when I can’t leave work. It’s pretty finely balanced and a lot of juggling, but their social lives really aren’t wanting for lack of a Saturday morning class.

The difference with me swimming and saying I can’t take 90 minutes to swim is that I’ve already used up a significant amount of goodwill and flexibility on behalf of the boys, and their schooling and socialising comes first. The other difference is it’s only the drive when I’m uncontactable, but if I were to swim it would be the drive and the activity. Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:

Hyperbolically · 05/09/2026 19:44

Goldenbear · 05/09/2026 14:18

It's not a question of they 'can' do it it's whether they 'should' do it and IMO not really especially as the OP is wild swimming.

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You’re right. She should wrap herself in cotton wool and only unwrap herself when they’re 21 in case the should need her. I wonder if it’s too late to reinsert them into her body for safe keeping.

OrdinaryGirl · 05/09/2026 18:56

Crikey - 35 pages of comments! Haven’t RTFT, but FWIW, OP, I have ten year old twin boys who are responsible and capable and would be fine with this.
They would eat their breakfast quietly and tidily at a table out of the way, and read a book without bothering anybody. I have left them for short periods in a cafe and reading in a library with no issue at all.
All the folk saying how irresponsible it is to do this - I’m wondering what their views are on the similar-aged children who regularly take public transport unaccompanied. Or young carers. It really does depend on what your kids are like.
Assuming they aren’t causing harm or annoyance to others or property, children are allowed to move around in society without being constantly monitored. I’m very confused at the strength of feeling about your post.

JassyRadlett · 05/09/2026 18:45

LittlePetitePsychopath · 05/09/2026 18:01

I’m not sure my apple watch has ever been particularly useful in water. It’s great at tracking but you won’t get calls or messages through because it’ll have to be in swim mode, to keep the water out. Sometimes they flash up but you can’t answer or engage with them…

It’s not overly relevant but I wouldn’t want you to spend a load on one and it not work as you expected!

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It's great at letting you know someone has called, though, which sounds like just what OP might need while swimming. One of the kids calls, she'll know they'd only call if they need her, she can be there in a few minutes.

LittlePetitePsychopath · 05/09/2026 18:01

justkeepswimminginalake · 04/09/2026 07:59

I’m really torn on asking because I don’t want it to sound like I’m looking for supervision for them because I’m not. I’m expecting them to be about as much bother as if I showed up to a cafe with a friend. Maybe I’d explain I had an Apple Watch to be contacted on so they know I’m nearby and contactable for the boys.

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I’m not sure my apple watch has ever been particularly useful in water. It’s great at tracking but you won’t get calls or messages through because it’ll have to be in swim mode, to keep the water out. Sometimes they flash up but you can’t answer or engage with them…

It’s not overly relevant but I wouldn’t want you to spend a load on one and it not work as you expected!

BringBackCatsEyes · 05/09/2026 17:26

Also, (i will be flamed for this but here goes....) if I had 2 ten year old boys who were homeschooling and in OPs own words "rely on her for all their socialisation" I would be trying to get them into hobbies or clubs on a Saturday morning, with other kids rather than sat in a cafe by themselves. And will they even be so enthusiastic about spending every Sat morning in a cafe for long more?

I interpreted this as OP having the responsibility for the boys' social life - the research, booking, taking to etc, not that they don't socialise with other children.

I was just about to say that I know the HE community is growing all the time and that there are many classes and outdoor opportunities with other HE families. But OP says she WFH (and struggles to find 90 mins to herself in the week), so I guess she is unable to take advantage of these things during conventional school time. However, they may well have a rich social life outside of OP's working day.

Out of interest, OP. What do you do for work that you can do entirely from home while educating 2 children?

TheEdgyMoose · 05/09/2026 17:04

YourWildAmberSloth · 05/09/2026 16:58

You'd be better off just leaving them at home while you went swimming. Also many places have rules about children unsupervised children under certain ages - so if you do decide to do it, you should check that its allowed.

Edited

Too late!

VioletSeagull · 05/09/2026 17:01

justkeepswimminginalake · 05/09/2026 16:15

An update on the cafe trip today for anyone interested. They ordered their food, paid and found a table and I explained that I’d be outside but I wanted to see how they got on on their own which was fine with the cafe. It went exactly as I expected. They had their food and drink and played with a deck of Top Trumps which they caught me trying to throw out earlier this week. They had a great time, didn’t bother anyone, didn’t need any care and the cafe said they’d be happy to have them again. I got to read my book and drink a coffee in peace in the sun. So will try a fifteen minute dip next week and see how it goes.

I really do appreciate the debate in this thread, even though I’m in the minority according to the vote and I ended up doing what I said I would in the OP. Pretty much everyone, except the ones who said I should be arrested, has given me something to think about and helped me to make up my mind.

Excellent update. So glad all went well. Enjoy your swim next week and in weeks to come!

YourWildAmberSloth · 05/09/2026 16:58

You'd be better off just leaving them at home while you went swimming. Also many places have rules about children unsupervised children under certain ages - so if you do decide to do it, you should check that its allowed.