AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

Eh?

It seems to me OP that your daughter just wants you for the minimum of time. She dosnt trust you either with sleep overs but her Mil can have them and they can visit her at the weekend but not you.
Your DD seems to not respect you and only wants to use you when its convenient for her.
I just wouldn't bother if I were you.
Let her pay for someone to come at half 8. Sod her and her controlling ways with you.

I think your daughter was originally quite rude but if you do indeed talk about her brother who she doesn’t like and his children instead of focussing on her girls then I’d be pissed off with that too.
Slightly different but my SIL constantly talks about her children and grandchildren whenever we see each other and it’s draining when you’re not vaguely interested. She manages to turn every conversation around to her family. Maybe you do that too?
Maybe it’s time to sit back and reflect on what she’s said to you and look into yourself to see if there’s any truth to what she has said.
It’s all very sad though.

This is an excellent post - spot on

We only have the ops word that the mom is stressed. I'd like to hear the daughters view.

Then don't expect people to do you favours then.

She doesn’t. She’d rather sort things herself. That’s what OP is complaining about!

Absolutely this!!!! Mornings are stressful, this isnt a little social event.

In my experience, parents can bum-up a sibling to another, yet feign ignorance when challenged. Ye olde drama triangle, with zero accountability. You reap what you sow, as they say.

So you witter on about your golden child’s children when you’re supposed to be there getting to know hers, judge her for having behavioural standards and wanting to ensure her children look smart for school, judge her for being “controlling” for actually wanting to spend time with her own children, judge her for achieving something academically, dedicate more time on holiday with your son, and she’s the problem for saying “enough is enough” and not wanting to deal with it before work?

DD thinks it because you’ve made it obvious enough in a few posts for us to see, let alone a lifetime for her. I’d put money on you exacerbating it by complaining about her to DS when she’s annoyed you.

Enjoy your free mornings. Maybe use them
for a bit of self-reflection and consider the role you’ve played in all of it.

Your dd is rude. She can start taking her own children to school and drop them off at breakfast club. How is she so stressed? It’s not like she’s working full time.

Rubbish. If the op is so horrible why did the daughter let her childmind last year? And is happy for her to take the kids to school but not socialise with them apart from a 2 hour dinner. The daughter is a user.

It sounds like you and your son have been doing your level best to make sure your DD and her daughters know that you think her brother, his children, his parenting and his choices are entirely superior to hers. You win, she knows. Tough luck that you don’t like the consequences.

OP, I agree with you. Rude and unnecessary. My MIL does our school run once a week (and will help out adhoc if need be) and I wouldn't dream of asking her what your daughter has.

If you are prepared to come round for 8, couldn't she leave that last bit of getting them ready to you and then leave early for work herself?

I know you offered to help do their hair etc, and she said no - but I do understand that she probably prefers her way of doing it. (i’m trying to imagine my DM trying to help with things like that and it would be a disaster!).
It would have been nice if you had taken the initiative to do some easy things to help - eg wash their cereal bowls and your tea cup!

Too late now anyway.

Please take on board what she’s said about how you’ve upset her, and listen to it! Sometimes we adults try to explain to our parents what has bothered us and then we get shouted down or the parent refuses to take it on board. That makes things even worse and we give up and withdraw.

I think I'd be a bit put out but I'd also try to be empathetic to your DD- She is stressed in the morning, wants the children to look just right etc. Yes, she needs to chill out. But I'm a bit taken aback that you feel you don't get to see the children often enough when your daughter goes to the effort of having you for dinner every single week! That's a hell of an effort.

I have read your posts and you don't seem to like your daughter very much- you call her controlling and snobbish, and seem to judge her for wanting to be as present as she can in her own children's lives. She will have picked up on this OP. I think you're pretty fortunate that she still makes the effort to judge someone who feels she's doing many things wrong...

I think you need to reflect on yourself here a bit following the update. Your children don’t get on. Unless your daughter asks about her brother or his kids there’s no reason to chat about them. There’s probably loads of history here you aren’t sharing and it’s triggering for her.

My uncle disowned me decades ago when I married my husband (different religions). My mom for some reason tells me all his news. All the news about his kids. Still refers to him as ‘Uncle Whatever’ when she (regularly) mentions him even though he chose to not be my uncle at all. It’s annoying but when I’m in a bad place otherwise it’s quite triggering. I’ve asked her multiple times to stop and she keeps telling me she’s just ‘telling me the news’ like I care. So maybe this is more of this situation than you realise and your daughter wants to stop having every workday start by feeling angry or sad.

I'm sorry she's taken that position but I will say I got on well with my mil but every time we saw her she told us what dsil children were doing, how well they were getting on etc and after she died I was talking to dsil and mentioned it and she surprised me by saying how much her mum had talked about our kids. I suppose it was just something to talk about no favouritism involved.
I hope you do eventually get to see a bit more of your grandchildren when daughter gets off her high horse.

It's a tightrope with offspring and grandchildren to keep the scales level. I make sure that two families get our time equally. I don't talk about one family to another and won't respond when they bitch about each other. I won't be manipulated by one family to the detriment of the other.

It's not easy.

oh dear - sad state of affairs op.

Could you send a peace making message - after all, this is about seeing your grandchildren.

Could you say - I love you, I love the kids, I just enjoyed the time with them and it meant a lot to me and I was sad to miss out. I'd love to take them in in the morning and could we catch up over a coffeee to resolve this.

sounds like a lot of crap going on under the surface

then why do you mention them to each other at all?

What a judgmental and irrelevant comment.

Im trying to think how cushy my life would have been if I only had to juggle getting ready for school and work 2 days a week. Some people really don’t know how easy they have it

@Helcarlol "I messaged DD last night saying I felt put out", so you cut off your nose to spite your face, purely because you cannot respect her boundaries.

It sounds like she is onto something here.

You’re closer to your son, and the way you talk about your daughter being too big for her boots and snooty… it is very clear which child you like best. And that’s an attitude which usually forms when the kids are young and is really very obvious to the less liked child. Sounds like you’ve had a favourite this whole time, and your daughter knows it so limits contact with you. And I’d bet you do spend the whole time talking about her perfect brother and his kids. The way you talk is quite clear that you agree with him about her, and you think she is the one in the wrong but you disagree with what she says about her brother. Because you’re on his side. Stereotypical boy mum. Do better.

Oh well OP, she wants to treat someone like the paid help, now she can get her way. I suspect there’s really something underlying the relationship with the brother though. I’ve only got a sister and have same sex children (boys) so I’ve never had to deal with a boy/girl dynamic. I don’t think it’s odd mentioning the other kids and grandkids per se, my mum would do this just to make chit chat but also I love mt sister and her kids so I like hearing about them. But I expect that hit a nerve and I guess you have to think about if there’s can’t truth in it.

Meantime I wouldn’t reply, go round on Wednesday as normal and maybe try to talk less about the others.