AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

And as for saying of course you talk about the other kids, you see them more etc...it doesn't sound like you do? And why would that be a positive thing?

Indeed. There is such a strong whiff of disingenuous, faux naiveté here.

I would 100% expect my son to be a bit more flexible if I was doing him a favour. Again, probably cultural as I wouldn't dream of refusing my parents a cup of tea.

Gosh that escalated quickly!
All you can do is apologise for making her feel less then her brother and head around for the Wednesdays.
She was rude asking you to arrive just in time to take them, when one of my parents comes to watch ours for whatever reason they always arrive a little early and have a drink. She was treating you like the paid help, which is unfair.
You may without realising talk about your son and his boys a lot, if you see them more frequently it would be natural to mention them but now you know she doesn’t like it, so you’re on notice to stop given their relationship.
Families are tricky, my own has some weird dynamics, so I appreciate it’s awkward
I naturally don’t talk about some relatives to others because they don’t get on.

And this is what the thumbs up emoji is for!

She lives 10mins away but goes over 30mins early to make herself a cup of tea and talk at DD - anyone would find this difficult in the mornings.

I would have throttled the OP by now!!! Getting out the house in the morning is the wrong slot for 'quality time'

@Helcarlol you are coming across as very entitled and demanding.
Just to put things into prospective.
Its unsafe to sleep on a different floor to such young children so your house is not suitable for overnight stays, this isn't your dd preventing you from spending more time with dgc or prioritising the in-laws its a mum safeguarding her young children.
Its normal for a working mum to want to spend as much quality time with her dc and/or partner as possible.
Most clubs for young children dont want/allow multiple family members watching, as it disrupts learning.
Having someone hang around making hot drinks for half an hour before school/work is inconvenient and dangerous.
Comparing your dc and their parenting styles is always going to cause animosity.
Your son sounds jealous of your dd and her achievements.
You need to back off and look at your behaviour and snide comments about your dd and the way you talk about her and her dc, she clearly doesn't need your help but was letting you help so you could spend more time with your gdc. Instead of complaining about not having the time you want with them alone and denigrating your dd for being a good mum maybe look at your sons poor parenting and start telling him that he should be more like your dd when it comes to your dgc.
If you don't wind your neck in and accept that you are 200% in the wrong here expect to lose all contact with your dd and dgc as your being a toxic grandmother playing favourites with your dc and dgc

I think it's understandable but has been put across a bit tactlessly - you arriving at 8 doesn't work for them, it disrupts the focus on getting ready. It's also understandable that you like the quality time together and just turning up to do your task with no fun interaction with your GC feels like a snub.

There might be other solutions but you'll need to dig a bit deeper to find out what they could be.

• do some of the things you've been doing between 8 and 8:30 slow down the getting ready processes?
• do you have particular ways of doing things which aren't the same as your DDs preferences?
• if DD left a bit earlier and let you finish off the getting ready, would you always remember everything or is her presence necessary?

The morning slot isn't supposed to be fun, it's just about getting stuff done in as little time as possible. If it's really just about missing the time, ask for a similar length of time at a different point in the week.

OP please tread carefully here. Youre on the verge of completely ruining your relationship with both your DD and her kids, entirely unintentionally.

The ONLY way forward here is to truly listen to her and accept what she is telling you.

She asked you to come later- you could have said “is there anything i can do to make it easier for you? Can I ask what has gone wrong because i thought i was being helpful?” instead you went on the attack without even asking her what the problem was. You sound a bit oblivious to how she views you, and to an extent her brother as it should have been obvious that if you sing the praises of his kids all the time it will sound like theyre your favourite- all the more galling since she thinks you prefer her brother. You just need to listen and accept what she says. You can’t argue your way into her good books!

Exactly this!

I think OP (and posters saying they’d be ok with it) has forgotten how stressful it is having 2 DCs and working and getting ready in the mornings. You just want to focus on getting ready and figuring out what you need to do that day.

She lives 10mins away but goes over 30mins early to make herself a cup of tea and talk at DD - anyone would find this difficult in the mornings.

I think the issue is that this then seems like she is being treated as hired help..not good enough to pop in properly in the morning but good enough to do the walk to school. I think this was always going to be an issue as surely most people would expect to see their grandchild for more than 10 minute walk to school before sending them off for the day. It worked well for DD as she didn't need to pay anyone but I can see why the OP would be put out at being asked to turn up as they are all ready to head out just for the school run.

Have you said to DD that you would like to spend as much time with her girls as you do with the boys?

she sounds like she’s being very unfair on you

You know your kids don’t get on and still talk about the other all the time. Your DD feels like DS is the golden child and you are comparing-even if you feel you are not. Apologise and let her know you understand her thoughts and you are very very sorry it has come across like that and it won’t happen again.
Say you are happy to stick to what she wants and that you love her and her children and that you were clumsily trying to spend more time with them because of that.

Your DD sounds very sensible and the fact she hosts you and cooks for you once a week whilst working with young kids is lovely. You sound like you don’t really get her challenges, did you work when you had young kids or not?

Totally this.

But as someone said upthread, the replies seem to evenly split between those people who wouldn't mind an extra person in the house on school mornings, and those who would find it difficult. Your daughter is in the latter category, so would it hurt to respect that?

I don't think she was rude to ask and it isn't really that different.

You weren’t helping in the morning though OP. You say they are ready to go except hair and shoes, and your DD doesn’t like you to do their hair, so that leaves shoes. 30 minutes for shoes, and you drinking tea and talking about your other grandchildren. I think your DD has been pretty clear and taken the right course of action. You still have dinner once a week.

She visits in laws once a week but she also hosts OP for dinner once a week? So that's one quality time visit per week for both sets of grandparents.

I agree - my M knows my brother and I dislike each other, but also like you @Helcarlol insists on talking about him.

I am now NC with my mum (for more reasons than this, but this was the final straw)

Watch your step @Helcarlol - it is clear from your posts who is the golden child

It sounds as though you and your son are threatened by your daughters achievements and perhaps because she has shifted her class bracket your think she’s ‘snooty’. Kindly, those are your insecurities not your daughters. It isn’t controlling to not want to bring grandparents along to activities, to want to spend your free time with your children, or to not want a toddler staying in a house where she will be on a different floor to her caregiver. I attend activities with my dc and it can often feel cramped when grandparents are also squeezing into the hall/pool side etc.

I really hope you’re able to resolve this for the sake of your relationship with your grandchildren. Although I suspect that will involve you having to shift your attitude and expectations.

Well, somehow it’s ended up even worse!

Are you surprised??
I don’t know why you would say anything and it seems pushing boundaries may be a common thing for you.

For whatever reason, she has asked that you don’t spend time at hers in the mornings. Most parents juggling 2 DC and work would feel the same even if you weren’t doing anything wrong.

Instead of accepting this and naturally finding out in conversation why this was and mentioning how you enjoy it as part of that conversation - you decided to confront her over text and try and make her feel guilty and that she should be more grateful that you’re doing her a favour.

Your attitude would really piss me off.
I can imagine you won’t be asked to do the childcare very soon.

Perhaps reflect on what she is saying, is there any truth in it, honestly hand on heart can you say you don't do this?

Oh well I think you need to reflect o what you said. If you know they don’t get along why are you talking about him and his kids to her? If you genuinely want to sort this situation you need to apologise. You can explain that you were hoping to keep the contact possible between them (or whatever it was you were trying to do) and explain that you do the same with him… but in future you will respect the fact that they don’t get along and not mention him or his kids. It has to be a sincere apology though or it will make things worse. If you can’t see her point then that is the issue…

I may mention them as I see them more often and I’m excited to share their news but I also talk about the girls lots when I see ds

Why? She doesn’t want updates about him. Nobody wants updates about people they don’t get on with. You should have been present with the children focusing on them, not talking about children who aren’t there.

You should apologise.

Both your kids sound like a nightmare! Let dd simmer and see if she eventually apologises. She needs to chill and see the bigger picture. She has been very lucky having you at her beck & call.