AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

just chat about the day coming up with your dd's children

Exactly this! Why can't OP just concentrate on them for the very brief time she is with them? I would go so far as to say, now the children are getting a little older and can understand more, OP's daughter is probably trying to protect them from the comparisons to their cousins which seems to have been a constant in her own life.

It must have been quite awkward to bring it up, so good for her for being honest, and when OP played the victim card, arranging an alternative for the school run instead.

If that’s how she feels it’s probably for the best , going out in all weathers just to spend a few minutes walking them to school .

In a way, things haven't got worse, you have found out the real reason she doesn't want you round there having a cup of tea- it's intrusive and you go on about her brother and his kids, rather than helping her practically and focusing on the children in front of you at that time. No need to mention the other children at all in that 30 min, just chat about the day coming up with your dd's children.

that's lovely but not everyone has that exact relationship with their parents/daughter. The idea of my mum turning up at 8am gives me palpitations!

See I never counted either of my parents or stepparents as " visitors"

Visitors you make an effort for. Parents were just left to get on with it

No she still wants the OP to take the kids to school

Edited to say well she did did at the time I wrote the comment

Some help is worse than no help. My mother would definitely fit in this category.

The DD has decided that no help is better for her in this situation - I think I can see why.

I have no idea what she means by always talking about DS and his sons, I may mention them as I see them more often and I’m excited to share their news

You are completely tone deaf, the child that is not the golden child will never want to be constantly reminded of the fact you hold their sibling in higher regard, especially on the morning school run, so it is obviously a combination of things that has irked her during these morning visits, with that being the thing she doesn't want to tolerate any more, hence her message, you should have been using that time to talk about her and her children, not yap on about her brother all the time.

I think it is great she has told you exactly what the issue is, it's up to you now how you deal with it, I'd be mortified if this was my daughter feeling this way and would absolutely take on board how it makes her feel, but you obviously agree with your son that she is 'too big for her boots' and 'snooty' so will no doubt continue to blame her instead of doing any self reflection.

This, but make it clear in your text that you are accepting her decision not trying to change it.

I think your DD has done well to (hopefully) communicate what the actual problem is, and it is a positive that she has done that. I would never have spoken up to my MIL when she did this.

The daughter is the one who has stopped the “beck and call”.

Oh dear! That sounds like what my parents were like until I had a word. Constantly talking about my nephew. We used to spend visits listening to both of them going on and on about him. I felt like my daughter was invisible to them. I eventually pointed it out to them and they were really offended especially my mum. They then thought about it and realised I was correct and apologised. Do you do the same thing to your son when you visit and constantly talk about your daughters children?

They don't have sleepovers at OPs because she doesn't have suitable accommodation (rooms on different floors). They visit the MIL on the weekend presumably because the husband is working midweek, they have the OP over for dinner midweek instead - so same period if time. Sometimes if they have time they'll give the OP an extra visit.

Clearly there is an underlying issue though and the OPs daughter has now opted to get someone else to help instead of constantly being talked at about her brother she doesn't get along with.

Honestly, there is a massive backstory and I would love to know the side of DD. It sounds like you have favourites and DD is fed up of it, so rather than listen to it she tried to compromise. So instead of going with that she’s said no thank you at all. Would really reflect on what you’re saying about DS to DD and also how you treat them both. I

I agree with Muggart that you are on the verge of losing your relationship with her. She has reduced this morning contact with you, not because the mornings are hectic but because that was not the arrangement.

This was a simple request to take the children to school and instead of doing just that you have decided to turn into a social visit by arriving early, having coffee and discuss someone you know she doesn’t like. It’s tone deaf really.

You say you discuss the girls with your son. You shouldn’t be doing this at all. Your daughter will be editing herself so that private issues are not passed on to her brother.

This.
i don’t think she is being unkind to you OP, I think she is just being practical.
you obviously have a great relationship with your dd and granddaughters, having dinner with them each week. I would just go with this. She is a busy working mum and we don’t always have our calm heads on when making suggestions so they can come out wrong. I’m sure you are appreciated, your dd is just busy and trying to simplify things.

I think your message to your daughter wasn't put well. It was less about inquiring and finding out what the issue was from her point of view, so you could put it right. More about how put out you feel and a complaint.

Your daughter has been clear and straight forward with you, which is a good thing. You now know what she is thinking and it seems a pretty straight forward thing to address (even though you have to understand there is going to be years of hurt here).

You know she doesn't get on with her brother yet, from her view, you spend a lot of time talking about him and his children. That would be boring even if she did like him. You are constantly putting it in front of her when she has an issue with him. She's had enough.

You are at risk of ending up with little to no contact with your daughter and her family, if I'm reading the situation correctly. In your place I would thank her for being so honest, acknowledge that you have been insensitive and thoughtless and understand that her relationship with her brother is difficult. Apologise sincerely for causing her hurt and promise to not bring him up to her in future. Then do it - don't bring him up. And not one word about your own disappointment.

She's being rude and ungrateful.
I could only wish I had someone to help my kids get ready in the morning..

I think it's a reflection of how dysfunctional their own family and upbringing was.

I find it fascinating how people can see a normal familial relationship as 'allowing access to children' like they're a private members club or something.

Stepping back is not the way forward here OP. Your dd has communicated clumsily what the actual problem is - how you treat her v her brother. I would write back a simple

"Ok I didn't realise you felt like that. Can we talk about it?"

There is much much more to this than them simply not getting on. You need to find out what it is even if it's hard to hear. The problem of the bedroom being on another floor jumped out at me.

She sounds like someone trying very hard to do the right thing by everyone; prioritising her DC but still establishing a relationship.

If you were going to do your daughter a favour why would you be trying to make it difficult for her?

The DD has arranged for someone else to help her and OP is still annoyed, sounds like the DD couldn’t win.

Totally agree with this. You are doing her a massive favour, you are not the hired help.

@Helcarlol So your dd and your ds don't get along. Then surely don't spend your time at dd's talking about ds and his children and vice verse.

I get that you think that dd has become posh and looks down on her working class brother and mother but are you sure that's really the case? It might be your interpretation of things because you have an inferiority complex just as her brother? Or she might be a stuck up snob- we don't know.

It is odd that she doesn't want you in her house at 8- maybe it's just stress? She might need to be alone with her kids. Or it's your comments about ds and his kids that have rubbed her the wrong way. Whatever you do don't give ammo to your son complaining about her.

No one wants a visitor that time of morning when yiuev got school and work, why dint you extend the time you spend with them after the pick up

Ok clearly there is something going on there and maybe you are in denial about it.

you need to ask your DD to have a proper sit down conversation about her feelings about you preferring your DS (not about childcare arrangement) and REALLY LISTEN (and not jump to defending yourself). All you can say if she says you help DS more with childcare that you love your grandchildren with DD and would love to spend more time with them.

By the way my MIL goes on about my nephew quite often and it’s irritating (especially as I do suspect that he’s her preferred child). When we tell her about what one of my DD did at school she does often add - and DN did so and so - and whereas to her it’s maybe just a conversation I do get annoyed, why can’t she just talk about my DD without bringing up DN? If there is animosity I would just not mention DS and his children