AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

Ah, that makes more sense now.

Passive aggressive snide comments to the children about your DD while she is doing their hair.

Comments to the children about school being boring - perhaps she doesn’t want her girls to be brought up with that attitude?

I really dislike that sort of behaviour, it’s such underhand, sideways communication, using the children to send indirect messages to your daughter. Say nothing or say it to your DD. But don’t say things to the children about your daughter when she can’t respond without creating a scene.

It is clearly hurtful to your DD, I can see why she doesn’t want this backhanded commentary while she is getting the girls ready for school. It undermines her and disrespects her in front of her children.

You very obviously prefer your son. Your daughter knows and her kids are getting to the age they're noticing their grandma always talks about their uncle and his kids, at least the 4 year old. Soon the younger one will.

Is mummy taking too long, stuff like that, you put your daughter down in front of her kids. That's uncalled for and it's a way of poisoning the well pitting your grandchildren against their mom. She has high standards regarding her kids' appearance, education, activities, and she sounds like an involved and loving parent. You try to cut her down to size because she's outperformed your favorite child. You put down education as boring. She's not going to lower her standards for you.

Now she's let you know she's done with that behaviour. If you don't watch out, they'll be the grandkids you never see.

I think it was clear that this was as a favour to the OP. Her DD doesn’t particularly want or need her to do anything, but OP very much wants to and her DD was willing to accommodate that. This wasn’t enough for the OP, so her DD is no longer open to it at all.

The fact you don’t remember making these “jokes” suggests you’ve not even really emotionally present during these visits. It’s typical of someone who’s attention is elsewhere (on your son).

Starting school is a big deal and something a 4 year old is probably quite excited about. I don’t know why you made it into something negative by saying it’s boring.

The hair comments aren’t trivial either. You are implying mum has chose the wrong style and is taking too long and asking the children to agree with you.

I agree they will probably be starting a club on Wednesdays.

It's become clearer why you're having these problems...

I do think she’s got a point.

You said earlier in the thread that she don’t let you take the kids to the park before school in case they get messy - most people with agree with this but you’re judging her for it.

It comes across as though DS can’t do anything wrong and DD can’t do anything right.

No. But she was gracious enough to accept the offer. Unfortunately it didn't work out.

Do you not recognise that the OPs daughter doesn't seem to actually like her and is constantly being nagged by the OP for more time despite seeing the children 3 times a week? She has tolerated the OP in return for help this far but actually, has decoded that what she has to tolerate isn't worth the help she was getting in return so has rightly binned her.

Allowing the OP to carry on the way she was undermining her constantly she would indeed be putting up and shutting up because she should be grateful. No one has to do that.

The MIL is clearly on the same page as her and doesn't moan at her all the time so she probably won't tell her what to do, as she already spends lots of time with her because she enjoys her company.

If you treated your daughters the way OP is treating hers, and they didn't dare complain because they know they should be grovelling in gratitude, then you have indeed raised them to put up and shut up and be grateful. If you haven't raised them that way, then just like OPs daughter they would be telling you to go away and making alternative arrangements because they wouldn't be undermined and nagged constantly. In which case they would be just "like OPs daughter"!

You sound SO ANGRY that this young woman has had the dignity and self worth to tell OP to shove it because she won't be treated like this and she's found alternative arrangements. Why is that?

Where I am, in a very small town, there are over two dozen different clubs on a Wednesday night. More if you look at neighbouring towns. Wednesday is the most popular night for clubs it seems…

Possibly DD thought she was doing OP a favour in letting her take the kids if OP kept complaining she didn’t have enough time with them. Doesn’t sound like she particularly needed OP to do it given she’s easily found an alternative, so the “cost” of the favour (listening to OP wanging on about her brother) was obviously not one she was willing to pay. And good on her for standing up for herself.

My money is on a new hobby starting which can only happen on Wednesday....

Clubs are restarting and days are changing so let's watch this space.

Education is a way out of poverty.... So DSs attitude is not helping.

Your DD has hig standards and the MIL has her back. They are on the same page and want to spend time with each other.

The MIL will be supporting her in this so be careful what you do next and how you behave

We all have to keep quiet in life and she is now fed up. She is telling you that. She is also telling you she can cope without your help.... No sleepovers, no help needed with school runs.... You are on different pages ...

Take a step back or the visits will reduce to not happening at all.

So the fact he OP has been going school runs in the first place isn't a favour?? In what world.

She didn't have to get the OP to do it in the first place if she didn't want her to did she

I honestly think the person doing the favour here is the daughter as the OP seems to be in competition with the in laws.

However sometimes getting a “ favour” from someone can be more bother than it’s worth!

It’s not really a favour if they don’t actually want what someone is offering

Taught to" put up and shut up".

Lol I can't imagine either of them doing such a thing.

But they also have enough manners if someone is doing you a favour then you don't start telling them to do it differently. If you don't like the way someone goes you a favour then fo it yourself It's a good job she's finding someone else to look after her kids. Wonder how long until the next person starts getting told what to do

Telling me what to do when I was doing them a favour.

Mind you they know if they tried that I'd be stopping any help immediately

Ah, they've been taught to put up and shut up because they should be grateful.

You seem very angry that OPs daughter had the gall to tell her mother she didn't want her around anymore because of her behaviour as if all help should be gratefully accepted regardless of how it is delivered. Nobody has to tolerate bad treatment. Nobody.

Maybe if he (and you) valued education more, then he could have afforded to.

Maybe time you realised education is important and encourage your grandchildren instead of showing negativity about it, and maybe be proud of your daughter for going to university and being a success instead of telling her she is too big for her boots and is stuck up and whatever else you and her brother say about it.

Really does smack of you having a chip on your shoulder about her doing well for herself. And you’re putting golden boy ahead of her for everything because he stuck to your way of life, as if you think she has insulted you by going a different path and he is more your type of person.

Like what?

I'm sorry but you sound awful. I'm surprised she still sees you weekly. You need to change your attitude or she'll be going no contact

This has really changed the entire situation the more you talk. I'm team DD now. Your son being able to afford or not afford whatever has nothing to do with how you should treat your kids. Taking your son on a long holiday every single year because your daughter goes on holidays with her inlaws? That is exactly how resentment grows and given your little comments through this threat while you're trying to be impartial, am guessing when you talk to your daughter it's even worse and she's just fed up.

Your daughter and your son deserve equal attention and respect from you. It sounds like your daughter is doing really well - she has high standards for herself and her children and works hard to make sure they are met. You get along better with the more relaxed attitude in your son's house. That's fine, but you should try harder to hide your favouritism.

And be very careful on Wednesday dinner - I'd honestly take a piece of paper and make a tick any time you mention your son or his kids. Am guessing you'll surprise yourself (speaking as the not favourite daughter with a beloved brother here!)

Touched a nerve? Not really my daughters are not like that at all thankfully

Your daughter has been really clear about the problem. It's up to you now what you to do with this information (spoiler: simply saying that you "don't recall" is not enough, you need to seriously reflect on how you act if you want to maintain a positive relationship)

It sounds as though you constantly make these comments and jabs, and she's able to tolerate them once a week during Wednesday dinner. The early morning pick-ups were just to much for her - I'd hate to start my day twice a week with negative comments about my parenting/choices.

So you don’t treat your children equally, then.

You definitely need to stop talking about your DS and his children at the Wednesday evening meals, unless you want those to stop as well.

Love your accountability. 🙄