AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

Sod that

I can see it from both sides. You are doing her a huge favour, which I hope she appreciates, but your are also getting in the way. For those reasons I wouldn't want my family involved in school drop off/pickup. We both adjusted work to allow us to alternate it between us.

2 hours a week is more than enough time to spend with them. Much as you'd probably like more they've probably got very busy lives of their own.

It is not "sub-human" to understand that they are not the grandmother's children and as such she gets no say in how they are fed/clothed/raised 🙄

Being a grandmother doesn't entitle you to start making parental choices. It's just a relationship to the child that means you get to play with them lots, share stories and wisdom and they will love you lots in return.

It's grandmothers who start acting hard done by and claim they are being treated as sub-human just because they don't get to be in charge anymore and can't accept they don't make the decisions about the children anymore that are the problem. It's the grandmother's who bang on about "on my time, in my house I make the decisions!" Who don't get to babysit their grandchildren anymore and whine they don't get enough time. No one makes decisions about how children are cared for other than their parents and it's so incredibly entitled to think otherwise.

This has to be a reverse surely

Do you regret any of your behaviour?

Why don't you apologise @Helcarlol?

And tell your daughter that you're really sorry that she feels as she does and that you will make changes

After all, even if 50% of what your daughter says is true - you sound pretty awful

Let's just hope the MIL lives up to standards then and continues to like the idea of her school runs being doubled. But we'll see. Grandmothers are expected to do exactly as they're told and keep their mouths shut at all times it seems. Almost as if they're sub-human. The worst thing is, this attitude mostly prevails amongst younger women so I suppose it's one less thing to blame the patriarchy for.

Well she is able to go to work, she’s just stopped the OP from taking them to school. She has other options which she’s taken up.

It sounds like the daughter is trying to be fair to her mum and let them all have time together. Sounds like in laws were always an option.

Well actually OPs, daughter has got someone else to do the school run.I agree with @TheSunBeatsDown sometimes you just have to say sorry, let’s start again even though you don’t believe you were in the wrong.
i think OPs daughter always just hoped her mother would just turn up and take the kids to school, where as OP (who might be lonely) probably wanted to come early for a chat ( mostly about her other grandchildren) and cup of tea with her daughter at completely the wrong time of day. The daughter can’t be blamed too much. She has her mum for dinner once a week.

It sounds like she'skeen to see you if she's having you for dinner weekly, my mil has my kids after school 1 day a week and takes themt o a sports class. It is however often more hassle than it's worth because she fills them full of sugar, doesn't come straight home after so dinners late and doesn't stay for dinner but also doesn't leave as we're prepping dinner, just hangs about and the kids get dysregulated with her strange hovering whole they're exhausted and hungry. She loves having them and they like the class so we grin and bear it but it's not the huge help she bills it as. She loves them to high heaven and they love her and it's fine but honestly the faffing you're doing is probably driving your daughter nuts

Really? When my (now adult) children told me that when I shouted incredibly loudly and sometimes this upset them for days, I listened, apologised and have worked hard not to do that again in the same way, learned new techniques, and realised it wasn't ok to carry on behaving in the same way.

'Doing better' by the way, referred to not comparing grandchildren, not commenting negatively on their mum's choices of hairstyles, and not going on about how school is boring and dismissing education as people being 'up themselves' all of which the Op revealed she was doing.

The Op's daughter has already found alternative childcare and doesn't want her mum over at all in the mornings, so that's a result of sorts for the OP I guess.

Totally appreciate what you are saying.but I think I understand why she would ask this. Say you would like to see them more and maybe you could have another afternoon every second week or so, after school? I can think of nothing worse than extra people in my home as I try to get out the door. I have asked my in-laws to wait outside before because it is such a distraction for my kids. When you are running late and already really struggling to keep your cool with your kids after the battle to clean their teeth and pack your bag and eat (got to be sitting down to digest food but it never happens) and feed them a breakfast that keeps them full and is healthy. Mornings are just chaos and high pressure in every home. Unless you come in and do everything from getting them dressed to breakfast and packing bags with the right things etc and it’s on you if they are late for school ? Maybe that might be a compromise but then if I was coming out the shower getting dressed i wouldn’t want other people in my house while I do that. Depends on what the routine and the layout of the house is.

@TheSunBeatsDown "Sometimes the best thing to do is admit you got something wrong, apologise and do better in the future"

"Do better in the future". That's one of the most patronising things I've ever heard. You'd actually say that to another adult, and one that was doing you a massive favour? Personally I'd tell my daughter to take her own kids to school in the morning. Just think of all the time she'd save without the unpaid domestic help "hanging around" . Oh wait a minute, she wouldn't be able to go to work then would she.

OP has been insisting on more time with her daughter's kids and then engaged in some pretty problematic behaviour in front of them. She can't stop her criticizing her daughter's way of parenting on here, she does it snidely in front of the kids, and she's trying to undermine the mindset her daughter is instilling in her kids of excellence rather than being barely adequate. She would like to take her grandkids into their preschool and daycare dirty after playing in the park if her daughter would let her. Who wants their kids going in dirty? She says school is boring in front of the kids. She would rather they be feral like her son's kids.

I think it would be healthier if her daughter stopped going on those second best holidays. Why take the crumbs? OP isn't present when she's with them if she's yammering on about Uncle and his kids.

OP needs to take a good hard look at herself and just why she undermines her daughter. Her daughter just dropped the rope with her and it sounds like she's quite willing to go no contact if OP keeps it up. Her role in her daughter's kids life is at OP's request and is fairly negligible.

Well, this does happen a lot. We sometimes pay to take our children and grandchildren away for a break. It is always a second holiday for them (and us). We like spending time with our children and grandchildren. We can also babysit so they get date nights. I think you have to make it worth their while if you want them to come. The difference for us is that our children get on so we all go together and the grandchildren play with their cousins.

No, you didn't need to wait for what you call little bits of drop feed to know the OP was behaving badly. It was clear from the start. Every post she has done nothing but bitch and moan about her daughter. Many posters saw a mile of that she was the sort of mother you wouldn't want hanging around your kitchen, we all knew there would be slide remarks before she even mentioned them because no normal person would give up free help from their own mother over something as unimportant as her making herself a cup of tea in the morning. The OP was trying to paint her as a selfish little madam while she was doing nothing wrong and you fell for it. Many didn't though so it's not good leaning on the drip feed explanation. We all saw through her all along.

Reading between the lines you sound awful. Making everything about you. Why don’t you listen to what your daughter is saying.

Sadly, the OP didn't spend her time focusing on the grandchildren in front of her, chatting away to them about their upcoming day, their ideas, she spent it talking about her DS and his kids, followed by making remarks about school being boring and that the hairstyles mum chose were the wrong ones!

OP, your daughter has told you something very valuable about how it was all coming over. Sometimes the best thing to do is admit you got something wrong, apologise and do better in the future- no more remarks about how boring school is or how great your DS's children are- no need to go on about the other grandchildren at all in approximately 2 hours a week, just enjoy the time you have with your dd's children in the present and take interest in their lives.

I agree they should be paying for their own holidays, but it sounds like OP wants to do it. If she does, she should be treating her children equally. If she doesn’t, then she should just stop.

I don’t think the insults are necessary, however.

Gosh, the unpaid help, without which I would be unable to go to work is faffing about in the kitchen and enjoying a little extra time with her grandchildren whilst helping getting them ready. What a bitch I am.

Fixed that for you. HTH

I agree with that actually.

I’d love to hear DDs version of events!

I'm not angry If OPs DD didn't like her mother then why get he to do the school run in the first place? Why even tell her about it and not get the " acceptable" MIL to do it from the start. And don't forget my first message was way before the extra drip feeds.

And maybe the DD shouldn't accept a free holiday from her mother's if she dislikes her. That's taking the piss a bit

@TheBossOfMe "This comment really stood out to me “I take DD and her family on holiday every year but for a shorter time as I can’t afford 2 full holidays and she and DS won’t go on holiday together”.

Really? Well what really stands out to me is that these are two fully grown adults with kids of their own who are still letting mummy pay for their holidays! They should be fucking well paying for their own, not squabbling like a pair of pathetic thirteen year olds about who goes for the longest. Maybe their poor mother should get a second job taking in ironing to pay for 2 full holidays, just in case these adult brats are traumatised by the whole thing.