Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

382 replies

Helcarlol · 03/09/2026 19:31

Hi all, so my DD has 2 DDs who are 2 and 4. Her eldest started primary 1 this year and last year my DD went back to work super part time as a peripatetic music instructor in schools. She works exclusively within school hours.
Last year she did 2 full days a week and I provided childcare on one and her MIL the other. This year she has opted to put her youngest in nursery for most of her hours and eldest is obviously in school.
She asked if on the two days where she starts earlier could I come over and walk the girls to school/nursery, I only live 10 minutes walk away and she is less than 10 to the school so I agreed, I don’t work those days anyway.

So far I’ve been going round for about 8, leaving with the girls around 8:30, DD leaves at the same time.

I also collect them one day a week but she is home for around 3:20 so I don’t have them for long.

This evening she has messaged me asking if tomorrow I can aim to arrive closer to 8:25/30, so she can just leave for work as soon as I arrive and I can leave to take the children to school. This has annoyed me, so far all I’ve been doing is helping with the girls getting ready, making myself a cup of tea etc, and I’ve enjoyed that little bit of extra time with them as otherwise I only see them once a week for 2 hours.

AIBU to think this is rude and unnecessary?

OP posts:
Original poster
Helcarlol · 03/09/2026 21:53

Ineffable23 · 03/09/2026 21:50

Could you take them to the park on the way or anything, so you could get them out the house earlier?

There isn’t really a park on route, the nearest park is past the school and another 15+ minute walk away, I’m not sure DD would allow it incase the eldest messed up her uniform before the day even started anyway (she’s fine with her leaving school messy but likes them to go in very neat).

OP posts:
CherryBlossom321 · 03/09/2026 21:53

Early weekday mornings are not ideal for spending quality time. We’re all different, and it sounds like having an additional person in the house during preparation to leave the house doesn’t work for her. It’s lovely that your daughter hosts you for dinner once a week. She’s communicating what she needs, it doesn’t sound rude at all.

TheBossOfMe · 03/09/2026 21:51

Helcarlol · 03/09/2026 21:35

I don’t think they as a family see the in-laws more in a normal week, we probably all get two hours.

DD says Saturdays are bad as they go out as a family, the eldest has a hobby in the morning etc.
Sunday they go to see the in-laws then they may pop in, in the afternoon but generally I go to my sons and his families and frankly DD and DS don’t get on at all.

In the morning I’m trying to be helpful, offering to help with shoes etc, but DD won’t let me help in many ways, apparently I don’t do their hair correctly, so she gets frustrated if I try to help.
Her husband leaves around 8 so by the time I arrive the children have usually eaten and gotten dressed so it’s just hair left, sorting shoes etc.

Over all the in-laws get more time as they are allowed to do sleepovers but DD won’t let me, they go on holiday and 2 weekends away together every year, I take DD and her family on holiday every year but for a shorter time as I can’t afford 2 full holidays and she and DS won’t go on holiday together (DD thinks his children are feral and bad influences, I think they are just kids and DD often has too high of expectations).

Am I understanding this right? You do a full holiday with DS and his DC but because of that it means you can’t do the same with DD and her DC. They have no obligation to go on holiday together but why wouldn’t you alternate years so they each get one long holiday and one short one every other year?

TBH it sounds like you don’t like her very much. And measure love in time spent. Which is a very poor yardstick.

Ineffable23 · 03/09/2026 21:50

Could you take them to the park on the way or anything, so you could get them out the house earlier?

Original poster
Helcarlol · 03/09/2026 21:47

Shouldgivethisup · 03/09/2026 21:45

Soz! I meant your daughter could start a bit earlier xx

What do you mean start a bit earlier?
She drives to work and can’t change her start time.

OP posts:
LarryForPrimeMinister · 03/09/2026 21:47

So in laws see them more and your just good for the school run? She's really takin advantage there. I would stop doing it.

1coconut2coconut3coconut4 · 03/09/2026 21:46

I would ask her what's driving it, and be honest that it is the highlight of your week getting to spend time with them all so you'd rather find a way to still facilitate that if it's possible.

Shouldgivethisup · 03/09/2026 21:45

Soz! I meant your daughter could start a bit earlier xx

Original poster
Helcarlol · 03/09/2026 21:44

Shouldgivethisup · 03/09/2026 21:40

A useful compromise might be to leave mat eg 8,15, not have to walk so fast- but appar her mum isn’t trusted and they must all leave together. Lunacy

a woman I know has never allowed her teenage daughter (17) to go anywhere independently. She is always taken / dropped off: she has never been in a shop on her own. I shudder to think of the daughters future.

Show quote history

There is no point leaving any earlier, the eldest can’t be dropped of until 8:45 (in primary 1/2 they aren’t allowed to play in the playground and have to wait with a parent or carer until the teacher gets them at 8:45), it’s a 10min walk at most snd that’s going fairly slow, if we left any earlier we would just be standing around for 20 minutes.

OP posts:
LiteraryBambi · 03/09/2026 21:43

Actually having read your updates, I'd say best leave them to it and hopefully you can spend some quality time with the kids when she is ready to allow that to happen. Don't let her weapons the kids, step away.

Original poster
Helcarlol · 03/09/2026 21:42

LiteraryBambi · 03/09/2026 21:40

Beyond ungrateful. She can get up 15 mins earlier and make sure it's not a last minute rush. She's doing no one any favours not being organised anyway. And you're not just someone in the kitchen, you're her mother and your helping to take care of the children. She's a brat, sorry

That’s the thing, it’s not even hectic!

Every time I’ve arrived to the girls dressed, fed, teeth brushed, beds made and all that’s left in the final 30 min is hair and shoes! There is no hectic rush I’m in the way of!

OP posts:
Shouldgivethisup · 03/09/2026 21:40

Contain4 · 03/09/2026 21:37

So she’s got to wake up earlier, get ready earlier, leave the house earlier and wait outside of her work until it’s time for her to start - all because OP wants to go and have a cup of tea at hers even though she only lives 10mins away??

Show quote history

A useful compromise might be to leave mat eg 8,15, not have to walk so fast- but appar her mum isn’t trusted and they must all leave together. Lunacy

a woman I know has never allowed her teenage daughter (17) to go anywhere independently. She is always taken / dropped off: she has never been in a shop on her own. I shudder to think of the daughters future.

LiteraryBambi · 03/09/2026 21:40

Beyond ungrateful. She can get up 15 mins earlier and make sure it's not a last minute rush. She's doing no one any favours not being organised anyway. And you're not just someone in the kitchen, you're her mother and your helping to take care of the children. She's a brat, sorry

Contain4 · 03/09/2026 21:37

Shouldgivethisup · 03/09/2026 21:33

Why doesn’t she leave earlier and let you get them out the house?

id just go ‘sorry if I’ve overstepped, best you do it from now on’. What a madam.

So she’s got to wake up earlier, get ready earlier, leave the house earlier and wait outside of her work until it’s time for her to start - all because OP wants to go and have a cup of tea at hers even though she only lives 10mins away??

Original poster
Helcarlol · 03/09/2026 21:36

Shouldgivethisup · 03/09/2026 21:33

Why doesn’t she leave earlier and let you get them out the house?

id just go ‘sorry if I’ve overstepped, best you do it from now on’. What a madam.

I assume because she doesn’t trust me to do their hair properly or something! You’d think I dragged her up the way she goes on sometimes.
She is the first in the family to go to university and the in-laws are quite well to do, she can be quite snooty these days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helcarlol · 03/09/2026 21:35

I don’t think they as a family see the in-laws more in a normal week, we probably all get two hours.

DD says Saturdays are bad as they go out as a family, the eldest has a hobby in the morning etc.
Sunday they go to see the in-laws then they may pop in, in the afternoon but generally I go to my sons and his families and frankly DD and DS don’t get on at all.

In the morning I’m trying to be helpful, offering to help with shoes etc, but DD won’t let me help in many ways, apparently I don’t do their hair correctly, so she gets frustrated if I try to help.
Her husband leaves around 8 so by the time I arrive the children have usually eaten and gotten dressed so it’s just hair left, sorting shoes etc.

Over all the in-laws get more time as they are allowed to do sleepovers but DD won’t let me, they go on holiday and 2 weekends away together every year, I take DD and her family on holiday every year but for a shorter time as I can’t afford 2 full holidays and she and DS won’t go on holiday together (DD thinks his children are feral and bad influences, I think they are just kids and DD often has too high of expectations).

OP posts:
Shouldgivethisup · 03/09/2026 21:33

Why doesn’t she leave earlier and let you get them out the house?

id just go ‘sorry if I’ve overstepped, best you do it from now on’. What a madam.

CruelsummerTS · 03/09/2026 21:33

IDontDrinkTea · 03/09/2026 19:35

Gosh, someone else faffing about in my
kitchen making themselves drinks when I’m trying to get my kids ready for school would irritate me no end. I think I’m Team DD here

Ditto. I love my mum but I couldn’t have her hovering around making tea whilst getting kids ready for school.
Why don’t you ask to stay a little longer after school on the day you pick them up, instead? It won’t be a rushed time of day, and you could give your DD half an hour to pop to the supermarket or post office after work that day, for instance.

Editing as I’ve just seen that you go for dinner once a week too!! I can see why she doesn’t feel the need for a half hour visit at 8am too!

ZenNudist · 03/09/2026 21:30

Sounds like you don't have a good relationship. Agree she's rude. Do you want to continue with the new arrangement?

lazyarse123 · 03/09/2026 21:28

sunnyfeet · 03/09/2026 21:10

Absolutely this. You’re getting under her feet in the mornings. And they’re a busy family with limited spare time. It’s not all about you, OP

Show quote history

But she's okay to help them out. What a load of bollocks. The dd is working school hours how busy can she be? There is nothing stopping her letting the op have the kids one evening the dd doesn't want her to. She's using her.

Anyahyacinth · 03/09/2026 21:28

Helcarlol · 03/09/2026 20:07

No DD doesn’t let me, I don’t think you understand. DD and her DH are very reluctant to leave the children with anyone, unless it’s necessary. They let her in-laws have them one night a month for sleepovers, but not me as my bedroom is on a different floor to the room the children would sleep in. If DD is around to pick her children up or drop them off she wants to do it, if they have a hobby she wants to be the one to take them etc. She has been like this since they were tiny, and the only brief relief from it was when she was working last yea, but now with nursery and school in place it’s back to how it was.

Show quote history

Is there more to it OP? Were they getting treats or something else your DD wouldn't want to happen on your time? It sounds like there might be more to it? Or not ..you will know more

MaidOfSteel · 03/09/2026 21:28

I think your daughter is rude and ungrateful, OP. And you are being used.

If she wants a completely impersonal service, then she needs to pay for it.

I would tell her how much this request has hurt and upset you. She needs to know. Does she treat the other set of grandparents like an inconvenience, too?

lazyarse123 · 03/09/2026 21:23

Honestly she sounds awful. Quite happy for you to help but not actually visit just to see the children. I'm sure if she really wanted to she could let you have the kids between school and dinner once a week. I notice you glossed over the fact she visits Inlaws every weekend.
You are going to have to go along with it i suppose because I imagine if you don't you'll see less of the kids.

VeneziaJ · 03/09/2026 21:13

Sunshineclouds11 · 03/09/2026 19:40

School mornings are manic but as you’ve said you only see them for 2 hours otherwise.
could you possibly offer to have them longer after school? Make their tea, park etc

edit to add, I would bite my mams hand off for some help on a morning 😅

Edited

You would love my youngest DD’s mornings then! I go over at 6.30am make pack lunches, give breakfast get them dressed,do teeth and take them to school 😂

sunnyfeet · 03/09/2026 21:10

Contain4 · 03/09/2026 20:42

YABU

I would find it really difficult to have another person in my home in the morning, even if they were no trouble.

You sound lovely but a bit naive? (Not sure that’s the right word) about how busy life is working and having kids.

It sounds like your DD and her DH are busy and aren’t stopping you from seeing them more as such but just don’t have a lot of free time.

I wouldn’t take it personally.

Absolutely this. You’re getting under her feet in the mornings. And they’re a busy family with limited spare time. It’s not all about you, OP