AIBU to feel put out by my daughter's changed school run request?

It does sound like you were getting on DD's wick faffing about in the mornings. However if she genuinely needs your help with the school run she should have just put up with it - so yes that was rude and unnecessary.

However I do think dinner once a week is plenty, and then you have your walks with the girls to/from school so that's nice. Do you really expect to spend more time than that with them? They are your DD's children not yours. So overall I think YABU

I would opt out of taking the girls to school. Your DD is coping without you. Suggest that she leaves for work and school at 8:20.

Make arrangements to care for the girls one other afternoon or weekend time that is useful. Would taking them to a hobby or swimming be enjoyable?

Oof

So she can be quite snooty.
She goes away with In Laws who are well to do.
Her opinion of your other grandchildren isn't great and she doesn't get on with DS.

Perhaps she feels uncomfortable sensing these opinions or feels that you prefer her brother?

There's always more to the dynamics that the surface issues.

Has your relationship in general been a strong one?
Has there been a fall out between your children that you've felt in the middle of?
What would happen if you didn't do the school run?

Yes it is rude and unnecessary. She is trying to control you. Don’t let her.

I think your daughter is being really unreasonable here. I'd imagine your granddaughters enjoy seeing you.

I would suggest that you still come at 8am but you insist you have the responsibility to get the girls ready and out the house. So you have 30 mins with them each time. If it were me, I'd invite my mum to have a bowl of cereal with my kids as well as a cup of tea as she was doing me a favour! And I'd appreciate having 2 days where I didn't have to do the mad rush out of the house.

Could you pitch it that you'll make sure you've done their hair, they've had their breakfast and you'll make sure the dishwasher is stacked and the kitchen left clean?

And that suggesting you just turn up at 8.25 is sort of treating you like a dog walker, or a paid service, rather than a family member.

It's nice that you've agreed to do this favour for her BUT the favour she's asked isn't for you to arrive 30 mins before you need to and have a nice cup of tea and a chat and help with the kids getting ready. What she's asked for is simply for you to take the kids to school / nursery because she can't do it herself on those days. So, either you want to help her by doing this favour or you don't.

To me, it sounds like you get quite a lot of time with her and the kids (dinner every week!) so it's not like you don't have any contact apart from these mornings. It's great that she feels able to raise the issue with you if it's not working for her the way you're doing things at the moment. It shouldn't feel like an attack on you, or rejection - you've clearly raised an assertive daughter who isn't afraid to set boundaries if she needs to! I bet she's very grateful for the help and would hate to feel she's upset you.

I think if you're helping her take grandkids to school the least she could do would be to let you in at 8. Does she know you enjoyed seeing them for that extra time ? It's up to you how you respond, unless you say why it's upset you. Can you tell her how it's bothering you ?

I can understand you feeling a bit hurt, OP, but the reality is that the current arrangement isn’t working for your daughter, so much so that she has had to initiate a conversation about changing it, which will inevitably have been awkward for everyone. Given that, and that she’s your daughter and you love her, surely you don’t want to continue a routine that you know really stresses her out? Even if you’re a bit miffed at having a few minutes less time with your granddaughters in the mornings.

If DD is around to pick her children up or drop them off she wants to do it, if they have a hobby she wants to be the one to take them etc. She has been like this since they were tiny,

The way you have written this, implies that she is odd to want to do this.
I worked FAR more hours than your dd does, but it was still important to me to be involved if my dc were doing a hobby (though how many hobbies 2 and 4 year olds are doing, I am not sure).

This comment and the other one about her "being snooty" and being the only one in the family to have been to university are really giving me vibes that you don't like your dd. Also, counting the 'hours' you see the dgc each week and even being aware of the hours their other grandmother sees them comes across as very odd to me.

I think she is being pretty generous to invite you over for dinner EVERY week. At that stage in life, it wasn't something I ever had the spare energy for.

I'd really like to hear your dd's side of this story.

honestly your probably throwing off the dynamic and not realising. She is asking kindly and hoping that you will understand and not cause a fuss. Take it or leave it. She is trying not to hurt your feelings

Very weird take.

I would expect a son or daughter to be more friendly to a grandparent who is helping out.

Of course she should be grateful, everyone should be grateful when someone gives them a hand.

Well this is your bargaining chip, once a month you have them for the afternoon & evening. You could put them to bed at DDs and babysit of they want to go out.

Perhaps you need to point out that you seem good enough to use for childcare but you aren’t good enough to get any proper social time with them beyond eating a meal together.

Did your DD spend much/any time in the care of her grandparents?

Alternatively invest your time with the other set of grandchildren. I so wish any of the grandparents had wanted to build a relationship with our children.

I don’t think I’d like her very much either, she sounds like a right fucking pain in the arse, given how OP has posted.

And what did the wee old lady in George Square call them - “a couple of using bastards”

id just text back

Im finding this really sad, I was enjoying the little bit of extra time I get to see my grandchildren. It would be nice if I could see them and send 30 minutes with them before school. Can I ask what the problem is?

She can probably tell that you prefer your son, and his way of doing things.

Oh come off it she only works 2 bloody days a week.

Hmm I kind of agree really, I’d say to her OP that you like having a little bit of time with them. You’re a granny, not a nanny! If she wants just a child minder arrangement let her pay for one 🤷‍♀️ my kids are grown now but it really used to rip my knitting when people who got free childcare off parents still bloody moaned about it

A bit this.
You sound like her unpaid staff.

Sounds to me like she just wants that little quality half hour with her girls before she has to go to work and be away from them all day. Or maybe the girls have said they just want her to do their hair because they miss their mummy during the day. I know it’s hard and you’re helping them a lot, but You do sound very self focussed on how much time you get , rather than what’s best for her family unit for that half hour.

Maybe she will

For any Still Game fans, this is reminding me very much of when Jack & Victor happily accept the lovely Christmas meal that Isa provides for free and cooks for them, but they go out of their way to avoid having to spend a second longer talking to her than it takes for her to hand over the plates... which they then afterwards leave dirty on her front doormat (appropriate word) for her to collect and wash up.

I think a bit of self reflection may be needed..

I would not mind my mum there doing those last little bits. But if it was my mil I know she would be more bother than actual help and would irritate me.

So maybe rather than telling you something that might upset you, she has tried to tactfully ask you to just turn up when everyone is ready to go.

I don’t know why you are making such a big deal about it. You don’t like how she parents fine. But she sounds like she simply wants to be involved and active in their lives. Nothing wrong with that

I don’t think she realises how lucky she is to have a mum who wants to help out and wants to see her grandchildren more. So many threads on here from posters saying grandparents have no interest and how they have no help or support and everyone claps back and says well they’ve had their kids, it’s not their responsibility etc. I would just carry on being helpful as you don’t want to rock the boat but hopefully she’ll come to realise one day!

The thing is, if you want to be able to direct the help to your specifications, you need to hire someone. When we had three little ones and DH and I were scrambling with full on jobs and hectic mornings, that's what we did.

If someone's doing you a favour, you might have to accept that two mornings a week you spend 25 minutes in a way that's not perfect as far as you're concerned. If that extra 50 minutes a week is disturbing to her, she needs to make other arrangements.