DH wants my birthday presents back

I've just set up a new thread, don't derail OPs support 💕

Shocking advice. AI has been related to suicides. AI has no filter or judgement about what is wise or appropriate. Sometimes only a human will do.

@BeRedUser I am so sorry you are going through all this. It must be incredibly hard and I was so sad when I read your posts. I have no additional advice to give, only to say that I join others on here in supporting you and you sound like a very brave and sensible person. Kudos to you for your courage and for taking a methodical approach to developing your plans. I wish you and your DCs all the very best xxx 💐

That specific case isn’t relevant to OP. It’s a valid and helpful tool. You can start a thread and I’ll happily join, but let’s not derail the support OP is getting here.

Get some proper rest as can be draining
and you have young ones can sometimes make you feel exhausted
Do some thinking
Do some research
Get advice
Find people/support you can confide in, charities organisations where you can talk and get emotional support
small steps are still steps

His reaction wont be good so i would expect that possibility even though I know you want to avoid it
but you will keep going to get out

Yes, it’s good to have a plan that will work for you before you reveal your hand.

You'll need documents of all the financial information for both of you, sound legal advice about how to proceed (definitely you staying in the house with your children) and who will tell your husband that it’s a fait accompli.

I understand that you want to avoid arguments, but you can’t control the other adult in the house. It’s vital to accepting that his outbursts are not because of any flaw of yours. The only way to avoid them is to be somewhere entirely safe from him.

Really rooting for your plans and their execution to get all 5 of you to a calm, safe home.

Op Women's Aid do a whole lot more than just provide shelters.
They will get you help to get the right legal advice, find lawyers, help with getting councilling too and legal aid.

I'm begging you to make that call.
You've reached out here. Everyone can see the abusive situation you are in.

Call women’s aid and the police.

Police are your best bet. Document document document. Hopefully you can get a restraining order but you need a dv charity to support you.
best wishes op. You have 500+ women behind you xx

Please contact woman’s aid! What would happen if you stood up to him. Your children will be damaged by his behaviour towards you. The girls will think this is how men behave and the boys will think it’s normal to treat someone you supposedly love like this. It’s your responsibility to get them away from this abuser. Do it sooner than later. Your children come first.

This.

Speak to your parents sooner rather than later. They might be able to support a sustainable way out. Your kids deserve to grow up outside of this madness.

He’s being abusive and controlling. Did you both want 4 children so close together or was it part of his plan to keep you dependent on him and unable to leave? Please talk to someone. Confide in a friend and your parents. Contact women’s aid. If he threatens you again call the police and make sure your neighbours are aware. Don’t be quiet to save his reputation. He’s an abusive dick who wants to control you.

Au also validated someone into killing themselves. This is terrible advice.

OP hope you are doing ok and feeling supported by all the responses and not too overwhelmed.

I wanted to echo what others have been said about the impact on your DC,

Them witnessing this abuse and how he spoke about you being a thief is a line that can never be come back from no matter tears and apologies.

He is directly harming the DC and it will fuck them up if you don’t get them out to psychological safety.

Baby steps each day, such as contacting women’s aid, citizens advice, getting paperwork together and so on, so you can start to build a safe pathway out and are able to cope with it.

AI can be helpful for processing and validation. Doesn’t have emotions or its own baggage, doesn’t judge, won’t tell you to leave.

'Demand' is probably a poor choice of words - you're right, and in the grand scheme the gifts don't matter, but the reality is that in 99% of cases like this, the victim is not going to be leaving on the next bus. It may take months - or even years - and multiple attempts, to break free.

There is something to be said for at least making your situation more tolerable in the interim period. Men like this are cowards and whilst i fully understand the danger or really challenging or undermining them, showing a little self-worth and having her dad put a word in might cower him a little. It might not, but the alternative is that OP is ground down so low that she is never strong or confident enough to leave.

Fwiw @BeRedUserabuse happens to educated people too.

Plenty of clever women have got themselves trapped in abusive marriages by insisting it cannot be happening because they're too clever to fall for it. In some ways, women who think they are too intelligent to put up with abuse therefore it cannot be abuse are uniquely vulnerable to ending up there.

No one is too clever. No one.

What you have described here @BeRedUser is the blueprint of abuse. That's the plain and simple bit. His behaviour is classic abuse, right down to claiming to be a victim when you tried to leave before. That's called DARVO. Please seek help from your local Women's Aid or Refuge and plan to leave him.

On the plus side, as he's been saving all his salary, you will get a whole chunk of that when you divorce him.

@BeRedUseri hope you're ok, this thread must feel quite overwhelming. My father was cut from the same cloth as your husband, and I recognise the behaviours you describe. I also know what it's like to have to 'let' a man like this take away things that aren't his, call you names, behave monstrously, because honestly it is just the safest option for everyone else in the house and so much energy is hoovered up by their unpredictable rage and trying to manage it as best you can. So please ignore the posters saying you should have just have refused to give him the parcel. They don't understand. Lucky them.

I am also sure that you already knew, deep down, that you need to leave him and his behaviour isn't right but how these people operate means that you lose your sense of what's normal and what isn't and start taking responsibility for things that aren't your fault. Abusers are always very keen to push the message that the problem is not what they do, but that you made them do it. This is a lie they tell so they don't have to face their own behaviour.

I also wanted to say that the 'nice' behaviour isn't nice, or normal, or the real them. It is as much a part of the cycle of abuse as the horrible behaviour. Treating you like dirt and then being kind and claiming to love you, flipping unpredictably from one to the other, is in itself a form of abuse. It is what keeps you trapped, like an addict at a fruit machine stuffing more and more money in, in the desperate hope of a win. But you always lose and the losses always outweigh the wins.

It is ok if it takes you some time to get to the point of being ready to leave. Weeks or even months. As long as it doesn't stretch into the next twenty years of your life. But please start working on your exit plan today. Some people have suggested telling the school - I would also tell the health visitor and your GP so that they can make a record of it. They will have heard it all before and they will support you. It would also be entirely reasonable to talk to the police if you feel this is the right thing for you. Coercive control is against the law. When your husband treats you as he does, he is breaking the law, and it is a serious enough offence that people get prison sentences for it.

I believe in you op. You can do it. You can get yourself out of this and away from him. X.

You’re in a abusive msrrisge
get out.

Omg this is terrible. My partner loves it when I spend money on myself and wouldnt dream of doing this. This is full blown abuse. Im sorry sorry you've had a baby with this man.

Her dad lives abroad.

Omg. This is one of the nastiest things I’ve read. What a cruel way to treat you :( tell your dad and make everyone aware of how horrible he has been. Get some support and get rid of this horrible abusive bully.