DH wants my birthday presents back

Just so we’re clear, he’s abusing your kids by abusing you in front of them. If you can’t leave for yourself (and you should), then leave to show them they’re worth better than that kind of life. Growing up in an environment like that does lifelong damage. Staying isn’t equivalent to doing nothing in this case: it’s enabling their abuse. You have a loving dad. That’s not nothing by any means. Go to him for help.

This man us evil, you need to find a way out

Sweetheart, he is already abusing your children. Telling them mum is a thief and a liar is emotional abuse.

Please dont think I point this out to be unkind, simply that people often stay for the kids when it isnt in their interests.

You need to siphon some money off and build your escape fund.

Your children are being abused and you think it's OK to stay?

Put your children first and have him removed. He is using coercive control and financial abuse to belittle and abuse you.

Can you move in with your dad?

please give women's aid a call they can talk you through the options they will find you somewhere safe,you don't have to tolerate this level of abuse you deserve so much better,disgusting man!

Exactly, many think that if he doesn't do anything to them directly then it is not abuse. Bearing witness to someone else being abused, shouting etc is in itself abuse.

I feel awful because I have been where she is now, and it scares me to know it took me so much longer than it should have to leave past that point.

Please OP. Take off the rose-tinted glasses and pull yourself into reality. What you described in the comment I quoted is the cycle of (typically narcissistic) abuse. They're normal > they make up a problem that is your fault > you crave their forgiveness and the normality again --> he forgives you for a problem that never existed in the first place. You become addicted to the feeling of going back to normal. Its a tragic existence.

Get out.

The first step here is to accept that you are being abused and he is an abuser. If this incident did nothing else but convince you of this it would be worth it.

The second step is to tell someone in real life what is happening to you. Would you tell your dad exactly what happened? or do you have a close friend or sibling you could tell. Simply tell them exactly what you told us.

you have a 3 month old and 2 other very small children. Of course you aren't going to be able to just walk out the door today. But you can plan to divorce. you can sort our your emotions and finances and internally get yourself ready to live free of this absolute fucker. Your feelings about him are right. he is abusing you and you don't need to live like this. And telling someone in real life will make it easier for you to plan.

And he didn't take that stuff because he is worried about money. He took that stuff to hurt you.

Absolutely. He’s the one that needs to leave. Life will be easier. He’ll have to pay far more, also.

This is disgusting. What an absolute scum bag.

Like others here my advice is to divorce him. Kick him out in the interim (I don’t subscribe to the LTB mantra if it’s him that needs to be gone and you have kids and a baby to look after… unless your father has room for you all as a temporary measure, in which case, yes, LTB.)

He is already abusing his kids by emotionally abusing their mother in front of them. They are child abuse victims just from witnessing it. Op I don’t want to scare you. But by not protecting them and staying with him, you’re allowing this. You need to get out

@BeRedUser
I feel you need it clearly laid out:

Your husband is controlling and
financially abusive and
emotionally abusive.

It will not get better.

You should only put a proportionate amount toward expenses.

You are allowed to buy things for yourself.

Tell your husband to return the presents and money given to you by your father and that he can keep the god damned mask and watch.

Tell him that his behaviour is fucking vile and abusive.

Tell him he is to change his attitude and show you the bloody respect you deserve or you are going to have to make some serious decision about your future together.

Tell him he now knows how you feel and that if you take action he won't be able to say he wan't told.

Do not entertain retort after you say this. Tell him it is not up for discussion.

Tell your family what has happened so that you have support. Follow through if behaviour doesn't improve permanently.

If you do not, and allow this attitude and behaviour to continue, you will find yourself becoming smaller and smaller, expecting less and less, doubtung yourself more and more. And the contempt and resentment your husband holds toward you will become more rooted and grow.

Now, you have been told.

The only caveat is if you or your children are unsafe or feel you could be unsafe if you confront your husband. In that case leave now.

Please read this:
womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/myths/ to learn more.

Ah, you're still in that phase.

You're not a happy couple and nobody thinks that. They pity you but mind their own business. He is not going to change. He is going to get worse. Nobody is coming to save you either, you have to do that by yourself. You need to do that to protect your children and yourself, which should always be your priority over this sad, abusive relationship with your husband.

The abuse rarely stops at the wife. If you love your children and wish to keep them, get out now. My ex was exactly like this, and when the shitshow came social services were involved because what my ex was doing was abuse. What your husband is doing is abuse. If the kids are living in the same house while he abuses you and social services find out, even if he doesn't so much as look at them, they will become involved. It won't matter how much you tell them what a great dad he is, in fact it will make it worse as everyone knows that no man is a good dad if he abuses the mother of his children.

Im not trying to project or saying it will come to that. But the path your on, it likely will. Don't let it get to that. Make the right decision.

Op I borrowed money for a private rental off my dgm.
A neighbour rented a van and we moved out while he was at work.

Genuinely felt a bit queasy reading this. My ex once made me go and get a deposit back I’d put down on some (cosmetic) dental treatment because it was a “waste of money”. I was the only one with a job.

You will be SO much happier without him. Promise. x

I’m walking away from this thread now. So many comments have just enraged me with the sheer ignorance and victim blaming. I’d tell him this, I’d tell him that. So saddening.

dear OP. I feel you, I was in your shoes. Sending love. Help is there, please believe us.

Divorce the prick. Tell you dad what happened immediately!

YABU in thinking you are in anyway at fault here. Your Dad sounds lovely btw and Im sure would be mortified to know his SIL in treating you this way. You should be leaving him.

I feel so sad for you 😞 This is bang out of oder and to put it mildly I would tell him to get to fuck. I would pack his bags and get him out of your life . I put up with this behaviour for years before I stood up for myself and I haven’t looked back. Best decision I ever made .
Please don’t put up with this abusive behaviour. I am sure your dad will give you lots of support.

Horrible ,abusive, controlling idiot.
I would tell your Dad about this.
And yes, divorce him. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

‘Staying for the kids’

If you stay your children will be damaged by the way this man behaves. The best thing you could do for your children is get rid of him. He is a horribly abusive, controlling man, document everything and report him to the police, emotional and financial abuse is a crime. The only good news is that he earns £100k so you’ll get a reasonable chunk in child maintenance.

Op please listen to everyone. I escaped an abusive man in a foreign country. There are underground groups that will help you - I volunteer in them and people are kind, I promise. We’ve helped women escape with babies and found them shelter. The uk has good social security and what he’s done is a crime you can report to the police. Your best advice is to start logging everything. Secretly get a private bank account he doesn’t know about. Line your ducks up. Look at private rentals or shelters. Transfer your salary to the new account and go.
you don’t want your children to end up like him or see you get hurt. There are charities and networks to help, legal aid if he tries to use the courts after you separate etc.
I really understand I’ve been there. Pm me. And please please please tell someone even if it’s just a dv charity

So you're being abused by a controlling piece of shit. Time for a divorce so you don't have to worry about your dickhead soon to be ex husband verbally abusing you, financially controlling you, gaslighting you and stealing your money. Fucking hell.

Join us on the divorced side, the free side, the happy side. We have all the £50 face creams and margaritas you could dream of. And no cock with legs there to answer to for it. It's heaven.