Poops at school

Don't you socialise anywhere else? Toddler groups, library, playdates, music classes...

Pooing himself at preschool isn’t nice for him though. Surely you can see that?

My 3 year old was still having the odd poo and pee accident in nursery school. Sometimes he might have 2 in a short time like this . Or sometimes he would go for a few months and not have one. He started proper school at 4. He had stopped having accident by then . The nursery staff sound a bit useless sorry but they do.

No not unless you literally sit in the house for the next 6 months.
Look for some playgroups or activities for his age group so he can socialise with children his own age.

My eldest DD didn’t have any formal preschool because where we lived at the time didn’t have them, she did 4x 2.5h playgroup sessions instead and she was absolutely fine transitioning to reception

It’s very unlikely - you presumably already socialise him through play dates, activities, toddler groups and so on. When he begins formal school, he’ll also have new classmates who won’t have attended daycare or preschool, he’s not going to be the sole child who wasn’t in preschool. Preschool also aren’t suggesting that he doesn’t start until formal school - just that he’d benefit from starting a little later, or attending for half days.

Whilst the preschool are being very clear that frequent toileting accidents are an issue and this could be perceived as purely they don’t want the hassle, they’re very likely also talking from previous experience with very young pupils who are struggling with toileting benefiting from reducing hours or taking a few months of time out whilst they develop and mature a bit more and become more attuned and confident in recognising when they need to poo; and returning at a much better level.

You clearly don’t want to pull him out despite the unanimous advice here to do that. Is he your only child? I don’t think you are truly getting just how much all these changes are for him at this age. He’s been through a lot. Pull him from pre-school and start again with the potty training at home. At the minute he likely feels overwhelmed and out of control - pooping in his pants might weirdly feel like something he is in control of and he feels safer doing that than using the toilet.

Have you checked to see if the toilets at pre-school are the same as what he’s used to using? Is there something in there he finds scary? Has actually been shown where they are?

Has he actually done a poo 'successfully' at preschool? It might be that these are the only times he has needed to go whilst there. If this is the case, he definitely needs a bit more time to adjust to all of the changes.

I’d take him out completely. Re-visit the idea of returning in 6 or 12 months time.

Thankfully this doesn't happen too much these days. We have had cases where I work where there have been accidents where children have been sitting and it is obvious to others. Even young children can be understanding and have empathy (sometimes it is others who notice first and will tell the adult Sam has had an accident come and see, or even if they smell it first they might come and say I think Sam needs the toilet).

Friendships will be so much harder bring the boy who poops his pants. I dint think you realize how cruel children can be with things like this. This didn't happen when I was in school but my daughter classmate who was 4 had an accident. One single time. They are 16 now and he is still referred to as poop boy.

"Friendships" are a very loose thing with 3 and 4 year olds, I doubt it will make a difference.

Does he need to be there so you can work or is it just for fun?

He's the youngest, he's shy, he's just dealt with a big move and he's having accidents, I'd give him a break and do half days for a while or even just pause and try again after Christmas or once he's nearer 4.

Perhaps you should consider state rather than private. As a primary TA I can definitely vouch for cleaning up more poo than I ever anticipated working in year 1....so I can't even imagine what reception or nursery must be like!
Accidents happen and I wouldn't like the nursery suggesting he should be kept off because of this.

Move him. This is not school, this is pre-school, aka nursery. Accidents will happen with 3/4 year olds, and they should not pressure him to be 100% trained if not ready.

This is why I HATE pre-schools with their uniform and insistence on toilet training. Choose a nice private nursery and let them be toddlers!

Hi OP, something similar happened to me with my youngest DS. He was potty trained and fine, then we moved house and he started reception and he regressed and started having accidents daily. I think all the change was too much for him. We got there in the end but it took us a while to get back on track. We didn’t have the option really to take him out of school, but in your case when the option is there, I would either take him out or move him.

Just don't make it a punishment. He's had some massive changes going on. Nail it at home, build his confidence and put him back in in a few months or when he's 4. If that's their rules then that's that. Don't keep sending him somewhere where the staff will resent him.

honestly I'd pull him out till next year. Hes still a baby. I think I fundamentally disagree with 3 year old being in formal learning and getting a hard time for having an accident which is perfectly normal at their age .

Friendship will be harder if he keeps having accidents

Sadly I would take him out. I get why you don't want to if he is happy there. I think though. I think the fact that most of the kids are 4-5 and they can't deal with poop accidents is a big clue that they aren't really set up for 3 year olds!

He's 3, half days are plenty.