AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

After what you've done that really should be you husband's choice to make and not yours. At least afford him that.

The only person to be mad at in that scenario is your dad for shagging around.
Your mum has an absolute right to know whether or not she was having monogamous sex. It isn't just about ethics it's about sexual and physical health

Which is a consequence of your actions. Cheating on him was shitty enough, taking that choice away from him and planning to lie to him knowing he wouldn't stay married to you is even worse.

Hopefully he will somehow find out in a different manner.

The man you cheated with could confess to his wife and if that happened, she would in turn probably try and tell your husband. It's not hard to get hold of someone now with insta/facebook.
You might be taking it to the grave but you can't control other people.

In my opinion, there’s always a chance. What if the man has a fit of guilt and tells his wife and she makes contact? What if she finds a message that hasn’t been deleted or someone else has worked it out and tells your husband?

There is nothing that is guaranteed to be a secret forever.

I think you should be honest, apologise sincerely and hope he forgives you.

It ended completely this summer, about two months ago, when his wife got a new job opportunity and they relocated to Manchester. He has cut all contact and moved on.

Thank you all for advice. I will be taking this secret to the grave.

Be honest you would have still been shagging him had he not moved away.

What if his wife's job doesn't work out and they move back, or he gets in touch to let you know he's in the area for whatever reason, and wants a quick shag?
Have you learned from this experience and realised that you were just someone he used, flung aside and leave well alone....or will you just move on to the next man when you and your DH hit troubled times again?

Your poor husband. He deserves better.

Many moons ago I did what you did. I thought long and hard whether to tell DH, in the end I decided not too, what good would it do? I also had to think of my children. The guilt and memories will fade until you one day you don’t remember for a whole 24 hours and on it goes. Nowadays I never give it a thought.
my advice if you don’t want to blow your life and marriage up keep quiet as long as there’s no chance he’ll find out. It will possibly make you see DH in a new light to be honest and make you appreciate him more. Remember, we are all human, we all make mistakes, yes what you’ve done isn’t nice but you haven’t killed anyone. Live for today and try to enjoy your life and take a good long hard look at your relationship with DH, is there anything your not happy about that you can change so you want only him in the future. Good luck.

I think you have made the right decision. Mistakes are there to be learnt from.

I hope your marriage gets back on track.

Did you get an std check?

It will come out btw. Better he hears from you than someone else

As you've got away with it this time and you clearly don't respect your husband you might as well find a new bit on the side to keep things spicy for you. Once a cheater and all that.

Anyway, I also agree with the majority. Keep it to yourself. You've learned something about yourself and about how a marriage can get worse and better over time. Hopefully it will help you make better decisions in the future and now you know you need to guard against this kind of thing.

People would likely say that about a dating relationship. Maybe even if there are no kids.

But a marriage ( or equivalent) with kids? People view it differently. It's no longer just about people deciding to leave or stay as they choose, like as tennis partner. They're a family which is a bit like a living thing. It's not just two people deciding to go separate ways, it's more like someone cutting off an arm. A serious thing only undertaken when there are no other options.

Take it to the grave.

but only if you genuinely will never cheat again. And for the family and your husband rather than for you (if that makes sense).

Actually @Whaleandsnail6 that is a very good point.

I suppose if @MarbleCreamCoconut is now fully recommitted to her marriage, is never going to cheat again, and is going value her husband as he should be valued, then maybe the family is worth keeping together?

Although - once a cheater ...

Surely its not just about unloading the guilt though?

Do you not think a person deserves the choice to choose if they remain in a relationship where their spouse has repeatedly betrayed and lied to them?

This wasn't a one off. It was a whole year of calculated deceit.

I'm shocked the majority on this thread don't think the husband deserves to make an informed decision about his relationship moving forwards

You keep your mouth shut. That is the punishment for your infidelity and bad faith.

You do not load your guilt onto your husband.

Hi, keep it to your self and move on. It will not end well if you tell him and what good would it do.
Things happen... Just do your best to give 100% to your husband and kids xx

mexican my advice would be the same to a man. There is no good that can come from owning up now. Why destroy the family? As a kid my dad had several affairs and my mum found out through their parents and it was so so difficult for us all. I wish we hadn’t known - as kids and for her

Some things are best kept unspoken -your new happier relationship with your hubby might breakdown again so why would you want to spoil it?!

I'm all for not telling stupid mistakes that mean nothing - but a whole year affair?!?!?! That smacks of a very big issue.