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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to take a 1-year affair that ended this summer to the grave?

254 replies

MarbleCreamCoconut · 03/09/2026 17:25

I know I am going to get absolutely battered for this, and I deserve it. Please just give it to me straight because I am completely lost.

Some context: DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 5. We have two beautiful DC (10 and 3).

For a long time, our marriage was in a really bad place. We were disconnected, arguing constantly, and I felt completely invisible. During this time, I did the unforgivable. I had a year-long affair with another man.

Toward the end of the affair, things with DH actually started getting better. The atmosphere at home was lifting, we were communicating more, and I had already decided I was going to end the affair anyway because I wanted to focus on my marriage.

It ended completely this summer, about two months ago, when his wife got a new job opportunity and they relocated to Manchester. He has cut all contact and moved on.

Since it ended, DH and I have continued getting on so much better. It feels like we are finally finding our way back to each other. I know 100% that I will never, ever cheat again. The guilt is eating me alive, but the madness is over.

Here is the thing: there is absolutely zero chance of DH ever finding out from anyone else. The lover is gone, there are no mutual friends, and all digital tracks are completely wiped.I am stuck in an agonizing loop.

YABU
Do I tell him the truth, destroy his world, and break up our kids' home, or do I leave the marriage quietly without telling him why?

YANBU
Or do I keep my mouth shut, carry the guilt to my grave, and focus every ounce of my energy on being the best wife and mother I can be?

OP posts:
Catza · 03/09/2026 17:36

The only reason you want to tell him is because you think it will stop you feeling guilty which is a very selfish reason. If the affair was ongoing, I'll be all for coming clean but as it's over, I would think long and hard about your motivation to talk to him about it now. As far as I can see, it's entirely your responsibility to bear this guilt alone.
And yes, I have been cheated on before and still stand by my view. As long as the affair is over and done with, be a good wife and shut up about it.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 03/09/2026 17:35

FloofTrousers · 03/09/2026 17:30

You'll get people saying never tell and others saying that coming clean is the only decent thing. The people saying never tell are looking at it from your shoes, and the come clean people are imagining things from your DH's perspective.
You know what sort of person he is. Do you think he'd rather know or rather not know?

Actually the opposite. I think the don’t tell are considering it from DH side - telling him is the selfish ringing to do in my opinion. Why blow up his world just to alleviate her conscience.

rubyslippers · 03/09/2026 17:32

I couldn’t but what a dilemma to be in
if the roles were reversed would you want to know?

FloofTrousers · 03/09/2026 17:30

You'll get people saying never tell and others saying that coming clean is the only decent thing. The people saying never tell are looking at it from your shoes, and the come clean people are imagining things from your DH's perspective.
You know what sort of person he is. Do you think he'd rather know or rather not know?

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