AIBU to feel upset by my husband’s holiday group chat messages?

You don't think it shows utter contempt both for the OP and their marriage, and the women he's discussing like they're meat laid out on a table for him to choose from as he sees fit?

When he says to other men 'I'd fuck that one...' he's implicitly saying '...rather than my wife, any day.'

Men like him (the majority, still) bond with other men by talking about women like this - it's how they reinforce the hierarchy of men and women. They are shoring up their dominance of women by diminishing them without their knowledge. It doesn't matter whether they're saying 'I'd do her' or 'I wouldn't do her' - they're reducing other humans to nothing more than the likelihood that they'd fuck them.

And before you say 'women do this too' - they don't, not to anything like the degree that men do, they don't reduce an entire sex to whether they'd fuck them, and they don't do so in the context of all the other, endless ways in which men exert power over and exploit women.

I find it odd how women refuse to believe that it couldn't be their husband, son, uncle, etc.

My DH is lovely, but I am under no illusion that he couldn't wake up one day and have an affair.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

A partner does not have free access to your body. It's yours, and your choice to share it or not.

Being in a relationship with somebody doesn't make you one person. You're entitled to your own thoughts and privacy.

Sharing thirst trap TikTok’s with my mate most days tbh 🫣

Replace "hate" with "fancy" and you might be nearly there
What has he done that's hateful? OP says he's always lovely and respectful. His only crime is telling his friends, in what he thought was a private chat, that he had seen some sexy women. I don't think that's a hate crime.

Indeed - I am guilty - often with a pic included in the group chat 😂

Most men are sleazy behind the veneer of being perfect upstanding pillar of the community types.

Funny enough the men who are openly sleazy and greasy in front of woman tend to stay single as woman avoid them. Smart men put on the veneer their layer of publicly ok.

If it’s never anyone’s husband or son or uncle or cousin then who are the men? Because it’s more than just the weird uncle you remember avoiding at Christmas.

So they shared it in what they hope are their “safe spaces” where they won’t get caught.

In fact the more perfect the man appears the more likely he has his hidden bullshit.

Do you often read his private messages?

Tbh I could see myself texting my female friends if I was at a beach surrounded by gorgeous half naked men. I can't see myself reading my partner's messages though.

It's not just the sleazy ones. Many 'clean-cut' guys do the same.

I really don't think him finding them eye candy is the issue at all.
It's the publicly announcing it that is off.
Sleazy men do that IMO.

Two can tango! 😂

I could not get worked up about this. It’s no secret men like attractive women in swimwear.

You were out of order to look through his phone.
I’d be busying myself by eyeing up the hot men by the pool and maybe telling DH about it 😆
Honestly, some reactions here are over the top.

I agree with you, which is why I rarely take men seriously.

Being an escort in my 20s was quite the experience. As you have implied, all types of men can behave in such a manner.

So you don't allow your partners to have male friends? You sound strange!

Man finds women sexually attractive. Shocker!

I don’t have relationships with sleazy laddish men with groups of male friends.

My holiday to Brazil made me salivate. Goodness, I could not stop looking at the men. I thoroughly enjoyed watching beautifully chiselled men playing volleyball. Delicious.

Do you have a DD OP?

If so, have you considered asking him how he would feel if he knew a man older than her was messaging his buddies about how sexy she was?

If it’s something he thinks “all men do” does he realise that how men talk about you OP, talk about his mother/sister/daughter/cousin/aunt, and is he happy about that.

Is he happy with other men using you OP as wank fodder, or does he not like that?

Yeah he’s kept that seedy side hidden. What a vile piece of shite!
I’d be seriously thinking about dumping his arse.

I reckon my husband would 100% be eyeballing woman I eye ball men and some women tbh.

I bet the staff room at work definitely has some of the men chatting about stuff they wouldn’t want us wives overhearing. Much like WhatsApp’s with my friends I wouldn’t want him to read though sometimes even that chats about the women with the shorts so tight and tiny I can see her pubes sticking out or something 😅 I must be a man deep down.

My sons had more girlfriends than I care to count in the last 2 years. He is a player.

No point in pretending.

Nope it’s most men when they get together if they’re given the chance.

I get why you're disappointed and hurt after twenty years. I don't know whether I think most men would behave this way - I hope not but as a woman, I can't really be sure. The only thing that I would say is that men don't seem to realise how they appear when they indulge in teenage/young adult behaviour/banter into their forties/fifties and God forbid their sixties.

To any men reading ... you may lust after younger women but for goodness sake, do yourselves a massive favour and keep it to yourselves and certainly don't commit the sin of voicing it on a What's App group where it can be read by people it isn't intended to be read by (see the OP's post) - it can even appear screenshotted on the internet! Be a little smarter.

What?

"BeEagerRubyBird · Today 15:58
I agree it depends on what was said exactly. I can totally imagine my group chats with my 40 something female friends praising a bit of eye candy round the pool, meaning no disrespect to our partners at all! I also agree with PPs that you shouldn't have looked, that was not a group chat you were in and therefore private."

This. As another poster said, I'm a heterosexual woman but I also can't help noticing some of the very scantily clad women around a pool, just as I would notice hot men. I can imagine commenting to friends in a fairly casual way about it.

It doesn't sound like he said anything too serious about it - obviously, if he'd said: "I wish Ickinspain looked like that" or "I wish I was with one of them rather than Ickinspain" that would be a different matter, but it doesn't sound like he said anything so hurtful.

This is why some men think they can treat some women with contempt.

Be honest about how men can be — and that includes your husbands and sons too.