AIBU to feel upset by my husband’s holiday group chat messages?

It's weird he felt comfortable posting in a group chat - so obviously knows his friends will never rat him out.

But I have no problem with the content and would likely have been making the same comments about attractive men/women at the pool - albeit, to my partner, not in a group chat. Bit childish isn't it?? And it would be positive, like: oh, I wish I had those thighs, or: that guy's abs are amazing.

I find it silly we pretend we're not all having those thoughts. Especially when everyone is half naked. Of course we're all thinking it! I'd rather be honest and direct with my partner.

It sounds more like you're just shocked he makes those comments as he doesn't normally around you. But that's because we're all conditioned to think there's something pervy about being attracted to half naked people, so we keep quiet or share privately in group chats. Are you really surprised by this?

You give consent to share your body, each and every time

There was no consent to share his private conversations

It's a false equivalence

In marriage, bodies and personal spaces are invaded and shared freely, but phones is where we draw the line of privacy? Huh?
I don't get who came up with this concept. We share our most precious asset (BODY, you have just 1 body, just 1, once it's gone) with each other, but not free access to phones?

I'll cicnede it's not rational but it's the "turned on" that woukd bother me more than c simple comment about enjoying the scenery. The fact he's sitting there trying to hide a semi every time a woman walks past and when he's trying it on with me later knowing it isn't be he's thinking of

@Ickinspain It was a shock because ive never seen this side of him, hes always been respectful of women and just wondering if hes just hidden it well.

Why is it mutually exclusive for your husband to be attracted to the women he sees on holiday, and for him to also be respectful of women? Why is it not possible for these things to be true at the same time?

Would you prefer your husband talks about women the same way that I see women talk about men? I see huge numbers of women talking about how they find all men juvenile, unintelligent, ugly, and repulsive. If a man spoke about women that way, would that be less sexist?

No all men any age think like like this men are men it’s just banter and showing off. What if a woman saw a hunky man with very tight thong on and showing off his muscles she would text her best mate about what she thought I’m sure.

I don’t think I’d be able to come back from it if my husband did that, I really don’t. It’s just repulsive.

However, I also wouldn’t know if he had because I wouldn’t snoop in his messages.

The issue is you can’t un-see it, but you shouldn’t have seen it in the first place either….

PS I voted YANBU because its horrible to witness

Just saying I'd probably get over it

If you had a group of female friends, and they were that way inclined, would it be as horrifying if you said the same?

It might not be in the same tone, I appreciate, but I can imagine one of my old friends making some comment about half naked men round a pool. Then I'm not sure anyone would use the words turned on, but a playful reference to it might happen.

Not saying its ok. Not saying my friends are lecherous. But that sort of banter does go on in single sex groups at times. Occasionally.

My thoughts too .. women aren't saints either so let it go and enjoy your holiday!

This is men’s banter. Some women have similar banter and chat. It was private and you went looking. I would be more concerned if they were speaking like it publicly/in front of you.

Be happy in the knowledge that they ain't looking at the auld Mannie in the same light.

It reminds me of the bus drivers that knowingly drive off when an older passenger is close.
Now switch it young attractive woman not a problem to pull in and wait at the stop.

It's fucking pathetic and mate you've made cunt of yourself in front of the passengers and your belly touching the steering wheel ain't going to get her number.

Not fat shaming I'm a tubby.

Absolutely 100% controlling. Imagine a man did this, reading his wifes messages. He would be burned at the stake on this forum. Grow the fuck up and stop being so controlling. Weird, weird woman.

Serves you right for snooping! Nothing good comes of it!

The messages are crass and ugly and I understand fully why you dont like them OP.

They were not meant for you however, thats why its jarring.

As some posters have already attested women can be just as crude, if not worse.

Yanbu. If it’s made u feel uneasy then that’s because it’s not the person u thought u knew. Go with your gut x

Haven't you noticed any yummy men?

I snooped on my exes phone once and found him sending messages to a friend about going the gym. He said ' it's full of hot women all stretching and showing their vaginas' ...well no wonder he was always going. I went the same gym..didn't see any vagina. He said it was male banter along with some other horrible stuff I found on there about myself..mostly saying he wasn't that into me even though he was begging to move in with me and start a family. Also found out he was messaging men to meet up..so yeah...that ended.
I think what your husband said is disgusting and creepy but I do agree it's just male banter and not really meant for you to read so not like he's done it deliberately to hurt you.

No - do you? Creep.

’I’d like to fuck’ doesn’t assume achievement.

Do you fuck everyone you find arousing?

To be fair, men don’t generally do go around doing that either, it’s a tiny minority.

Yeah but women generally don’t go around raping and murdering younger men so it’s not quite the same, is it.

I totally agree with the poster who said he is more likely to be putting on a show for his mates and you know the real him. But either way it’s pathetic and who are these stupid middle aged men that think this is funny? Why can’t they just be more original.
Are they good friends or just lad mates? Doesn’t make any of it right, it’s a let down. I would just make it clear that you find messages like that quite hurtful and disrespectful. Give him the chance to do better. I can see why this has spun you out as you to hear that side of him, even if it’s just gross banter.

I would acknowledge it in my head and then turn away. I wouldn't stare or ogle, and I certainly wouldn't text my friends to say that the men were turning me on. That's just gross and disrespectful. However, if I found out my husband was doing that, I would be tempted to dish out the same behaviour.

"differentiates" not differentiated - didn't spot the autospellmasher