ds has refused his first 2 days of year 7

I totally agree with this.
I have realised when I give in, I'm teaching them how to control the situation.
In my experience if I've given in to the situation because my DS has been playing up, the next time it's harder to make them listen.
Being firm and staying firm is the answer.

Would it be possible to pop the 5 year old in breakfast club for a few weeks so you can accompany him into school while he gets settled? Or maybe arrange for him to start slightly later, you can drop off the 5 year old then take him to school when the buses are quieter and it's less stressful?

The worry I would have is the other kids in the class are getting to know each other. By this age 'difference' is more noticed and kids are getting to the 'avoid the weird kid' stage, far less accepting.

Like it or not he either needs to get in or you need a plan b.

Also, unauthorised absence is likely to attract fines.

Same here, not going wouldn’t ever have been an option.

There have always been school refusers but in the past secondary children would leave home and not arrive at school and would be labelled as naughty and not much was done about it. Or quiet, struggling kids would go to school and the struggle would present in different ways.

We have a mental health crisis in the older generations from people living in the days where parents made you go to school whatever. Although it made compliant children at the time I’m not sure it made adulthood better.

I’m lucky that I know if my children said they did not want to go to school I could make them and they’d be happy once there but I’m not stupid enough to think that my own family’s experience is universal.

This is what I was going to suggest. You need to reduce the chaos.

also if at all possible, ask the babies father to take the 5yo to school.

I wholeheartedly agree. I despair at some aspects of society today.

FYI forcing a round peg into a square hole is exactly what causes people to be ‘unemployable and on benefits’.

This is why PIP claims have gone up. Tory coalition cut funding for schools and children with SEN so they did not get a suitable education and standards dropped. That started in 2010. Oh and Michael Gove made the curriculum harder whilst also taking money away. Because magical thinking gets the job done. I see teachers on here saying that children in year 3 are now being taught stuff that used to be taught to year 5.

Something had to give…

This kind of thing is a bit frustrating.

Smirky slights and point scoring over any meaningful debate.

Obviously, it's not about 'bothering' to go to school, is it? Whichever side of this you're on, it's not about that.

We are talking about school, not the front line of World War 2!

I got wet the other day walking to work in the pissing rain at 7am. I wore a coat and had an umbrella but my socks were wet and I was cold.

I sat at my desk and got on with my work and very quickly warmed up and dried out. Who on earth are these adults who you think couldn’t cope with the school day of an 11 year old?!

And plenty of adults exercise and change in mixed changing rooms.

You need to make not going to school less attractive than going to school. If he knew he’d be either sitting outside school all day with you or sitting at the kitchen table for 6 hours with only school work in front of him, he’d go in. What did he do the days he stayed home?

I’m guessing it wasn’t an immaculate conception and so there is/was a dad on the scene.

He is either still around but working, not around because he’s a deadbeat or dead.
None of which makes it ok to judge OP.

OP has 4 kids roughly ages 15, 11, 5 and a baby - on average that’s 5 years between them all - so she’s obviously not constantly popping them out irresponsibly.

Mainstream senior schools are unsuitable for most autistic children.

I must have missed the part where it says kids with autism don’t need to bother going to school.

Have a medal 🥇

Assume this was a reply to me.
I did not say that my child could refuse school and then walk into a job of his choosing.
I said I was worried secondary school could be difficult for him and I have hope that an adult work environment will be easier in comparison.

Most 11year olds could not cope with a FT job in the adult world, regardless of ND.

In fact, most adults wouldn’t be able to cope with a school day like an 11year old has to do.

I wonder how you’d cope at your job if you had to do sports day or do laps around the field in the cold rain then get changed in the communal changing rooms and do a full days work whilst damp and cold.

Well what happens when autistic people get forced into school placements that are unsuitable for them is that they leave school with severe mental health problems and no qualifications and then people like you probably moan that they are claiming PIP because they’ve been damaged by an unsuitable education.

One size does NOT fit all. And the sooner people catch on to that, the more people with ND conditions will be able to lead productive lives and have a chance of a good career.

I know this is unpopular stance, but I agree with Balloonhearts. I am admittedly the tough parent.

It doesn’t sound like the bus is viable for the time being, until he is settled in school.

I agree with PP, you need to speak to the SENCO first and make a plan- whether you take him a bit late after you’ve dropped the 5 year old or the other way round and take him first. If you get him to a stage where he’s happy to go into school then the bus can be an option.

Has he met his Head of Year? Can you meet with them, even if it’s after school do he can get to know them.
I have managed to get children into school because I have built a relationship with them.
If a parent emails first thing with school refusal, I phone home after registration and try and talk to the child myself, reassuring them that it’s fine if they are late. I often get the parents to bring them in just before break time. It reduces the panic/stress in the moment and everyone is calmer an hour or so later. I also meet the child at the school gates and walk them in the back way so they don’t have to do the Reception Walk of Shame. I sign them in. They then get break time to chill with friends before having to get to class.
it can be so tricky but getting them in is most important. The quicker you break the pattern, the easier it is. Sending love as it is so hard for parents going through this. X

This is such a strange and narrow world view.
Plenty of people who struggled at school cope just fine with adult life.

Maybe the growing up thing worked well for the autistic kids in your life but it doesn't for everyone.

My son is autistic school refusal... I had to take others to school then double back go back home and take son sometimes it took 30 mins other 3 hours but he was going !! I wouldnt just think oh sod it ....better late than never

My son is autistic school refusal... I had to take others to school then double back go back home and take son sometimes it took 30 mins other 3 hours but he was going !! I wouldnt just think oh sod it ....better late than never

Has he got any friends from primary he could meet up with? Is there a nearer school not requiring him to take a bus? It will be daunting although his brother will be doing it too. Do you have someone who could take your 5yo to school while you go with your 11yo? It's a shame he hasn't had a chance to practice the journey, have a visit day last term, plan the first days in advance etc. Hopefully the school will be able to support him. But 4 kids is a lot! The dad(s) should be helping, can you reach out to them, why is this all on you. What will you do when you go back to work?