ds has refused his first 2 days of year 7

Ignore the posts from people who don’t understand what it’s like to have an ASD child. The start and end of term are often difficult for ASD children. Speak to Head of Year and find out what support they can provide. It can often be starting a bit later to avoid the hustle and bustle at the start of the school
day, a trusted teacher or friend meeting him at the gate or going straight to a quiet space.

You haven’t failed him by not making him go. He can’t help how he feels and sometimes you do have to listen. Keep communication open with the school and this will get sorted. It’s a big change for him.

OP ignore the 'he's 11 he should do as he's told' crowd. They clearly have NO idea about ASD.

I have grade 5 ASD dc who has been to school a couple of times this term (in Aus) because their anxiety is next level. We started medication 2 months ago and we've seen great improvement, but school is still so overwhelming for them.

What we've just started is going in after first bell, school yard is quiet, kids are settled in class, so the external chaos the sets my dc off is minimal. Can you ask for some adjustments for your dc?

You need to speak to the SENCO OP, did you have any transition time with them? They should be able to work with you on a plan. I would definitely try to get him in for a few hours this afternoon if you can to avoid it building up more

And ignore the 'advice' from people completely ignorant about special needs and advocating for abusing your kid...

I think your worry might also be in the mix here. As others have said the anxiety will build and get worse if he is out for whole days.

Have a little bit of heart. OP has her hands full with a teenager, a 5YO and a baby plus the 11YO. Imagine getting that lot out the door. She needs a medal not derision. OP try and meet with HOY and/or SENCO. Could your DS go to school after others have gone one afternoon? Hopefully you can get a graduated programme in place to ease him in. Good luck xx

Wtf you obviously do not have a child with additional needs!!

Talk to the school about a gradual transition. It's a huge change for him. Maybe he needs to start just going in to the office after school starts, build up to going in to first lesson after form or lunch, then joining break times, gradually lengthening the days until he can manage a full day and then managing the bus alone. Definitely get the application in for the EHC needs assessment ASAP.

Valid point.
@dinosaursroars you might not get an echp but you definitely need to get him a plan the school can help with.
Speak to the SENCO as soon as you can.
His head of year too.

Yes because that's a effective way to get a child with ASD into school drag them

You're clearly clueless about autism. What a useless comment.

Where is the kid/s dad/s in all of this? Can they take some leave or flexible working to help you get everyone to the right place so you can focus on a child each?
As an autistic adult, the longer things get put off the worse it is/harder it is to do them. Invariably once I'm there I usually find it's not half as bad as I think. So I agree that even if you drop younger child first then go on to take DS to school a bit late, best to get that done.

You can get a clear plan without an EHCP - schools are well versed in dealing with EBSA now and there are lots of things that can be done. You can’t wait for an EHCP - that could take an academic year or more. He needs a trusted adult, to maybe try and visit school after hours so he gets his bearing and someone to go through his timetable and walk him through it. Keep chasing school and ask them to come up with a robust plan for him.

Have you had any discussion with the school (primary or secondary) about the transition process.

With my DS who is younger, the school and us as parents do a lot of work at the end of the summer about what's happening next year, who his teacher will be, what classroom etc etc. The transition to secondary is a much bigger transition than from year to year in the same school and may need a lot more planning.

I also agree that long term, going with his older brother on the bus is not appropriate as it places your older child in a very difficult position should your younger DS have any issues.

I have a new Y7 who is also a school refuser. I just persevere until I can get him in the gates. He’s fine once he’s there. Is he late sometimes? Yes. But I figure late is better than not there at all! You should be attempting to get him in after your 5yo is at school. Meet the Y7 head face to face and also ask for learning support input. Your Y10 is not a parent and I don’t suggest involving him in any plans for getting your Y7 into school, not his responsibility.

With an asd diagnosis his primary school should have done some sort of handover about him and the support he might need, even if there's no ehcp.

Personally I would try to get him in tommorrow, so that he has the weekend to process before school starts again on Monday. Otherwise Monday will just be really scary again. And discuss with the head of year anything that can be done to help.

@dinosaursroars you need to get an echp so he can have a clear plan.
Going in later after the rush might work.
I hope you get some help 🙂

Can you draft in any other adult help for the next couple of weeks? Do you have a friend who can take 5yo in so you can concentrate on your Y7? I would say he needs to be your priority right now. This is too big a problem to put on your eldest's shoulders.

Hopefully HoY will get back to you and they can put in some help eg transition visits to school when it's quiet after hours, or a soft start going in through reception to a safe adult. But it might mean you having to find a way to take him, at least temporarily.

There is an EBSA support thread running on chat.

The school will help OP - lots of children struggle with transitions, they will have strategies to help you. When you speak to them today ask them to come up with a plan with you for managing his start over the next few days.

Ignore the poster above suggesting child abuse as a solution for your neurodivergent son's very common school anxiety.

Keep pushing the EHCP.

Agree with this, don't give him the whole day off, better he goes in really late than not at all. The longer it is before you actually get him through the door, the worse it will get. Can you afford a taxi for a day or two just to get you and him to the gate? Then hopefully staff can help.

Ask to speak with the Senco at school and the attendance officer and ask for help with integration. Mention he is at risk of school avoidance due to his disability. You have to be really proactive with this. This is much better than them chasing you. Email. Keep a paper trail.

Good luck.

Take him in now. I used to work with children who were school refusers, and the longer you let it go on, the harder it will be for him. He should have just gone in late yesterday, but failing that, he needs to go in today.
What happens if you allow a child to give in to anxiety is, their mind builds the scarey thing up to seem even more worse to justify the fact that they're running away from it.
The longer it goes on, the more awkward it will be for him because everyone else will be that much more settled in.
Take him in, do not accept no for an answer. Accept that you may have to spend the whole day there with you and the baby of need be. The school will have their own preferences for what you do, so just go there and talk to them. But take your son today.

While an EHCP may be a good thing eventually, that can take years to obtain so it shouldn't affect what you're doing now.

Have you missed the part where the OP says he has Autism?
Children with autism frequently act like this over things that they are unsure about and they CAN'T HELP IT.

Take him in for the afternoon session. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

She hasn't fucked their education but I do agree op shouldn't of given in. Should take the others to school and then take him back and try again even if you just make it to the reception and he refuses, you have still made progress as he's got inside the building.

You need to get that echp done with emergency. Ask for a slow transition maybe they could do a part time table for a few weeks? Could he get there later than the other kids to take that aniexty away? You need a chat with the senco.