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Things not what they seem ?

84 replies

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 09:09

I know someone who makes a great big song about how lovely food is but doesnt actually seem to eat much. It took me a while to twig....if indeed I have got the right end of the stick. They are often lovely and I would never mention it but of late Ive felt uncomfortable as if there is a whole layer of something that is actually driving the entire dynamic and that things have not been what they seem for a very long time.

OP posts:
SilenceInside · 03/09/2026 12:11

Well, then surely you have two main options if you want to change the dynamic and not remain with the status quo. End the friendship over this issue and your issues with people not being fully honest with you. Or, raise it directly with your friend and tell her that this issue is too big to ignore and you feel you need to talk to her about it and for her to tell you everything that is going on with her.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 12:01

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 11:46

if there is a barrier between you and the other person because it's so secretive, you cant really bring it up, can you, even though it might be driving the whole dynamic of your friendship. That's the problem I guess..... not knowing what to do with that. [...]
It's making me less and less ' freeflowing' in my interactions to the point where I think I might knock it on the head.

It seems that one of your requirements for a close friendship is that there be no secrets, no dishonesty or 'performance', that you need totally open and free flowing communication.
You have a problem dealing with other people's privacy. If you cannot enjoy someone's company because they have a personal secret from you, that is a you problem.

Most people have secrets and like privacy. They want friends for companionship and sharing time together, but not necessarily to bare their souls to and be totally open and honest.

Sorry but I think an eating disorder is rather more serious than a private hobby. I think it consumes domeone's life, just as alcoholism becomes a very difficult problem for people around the alcoholic to negotiate.

OP posts:
Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 11:55

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 11:22

Well that's it. You said you talk about it so they understand where you are coming from.

I don't, no -- only to two very close friends, one of whom has been hospitalised for anorexia because her organs were closing down on more than one occasion., the other a therapist I'd asked for a recommendation for a specific form of therapy locally. And when I say 'talk', I mean, I told them about it once, years ago.

I have many other friends I love and value, to whom I've never mentioned it. It's a very vulnerable thing to do. I'm not 'withholding' crucial information from them, I'm simply not able or willing to be vulnerable about something very difficult and personal. My disordered eating started when I experienced CSA as a child, and that's not something I talk about easily either.

Obviously, as a PP said, you can discontinue a friendship for any reason. But to require someone to tell you about a complicated disorder which is bound up with so much shame and self-loathing as a condition of friendship strikes me as unreasonable and cruel.

In your shoes, I'd be asking myself why it's so important to you that she discloses her disordered eating to you. (Unless she's visibly extremely emaciated to the point where you worry for her on medical grounds, in which case I do understand why this is difficult to witness. But it's difficult to witness when you know about the anorexia, too.)

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 11:46

if there is a barrier between you and the other person because it's so secretive, you cant really bring it up, can you, even though it might be driving the whole dynamic of your friendship. That's the problem I guess..... not knowing what to do with that. [...]
It's making me less and less ' freeflowing' in my interactions to the point where I think I might knock it on the head.

It seems that one of your requirements for a close friendship is that there be no secrets, no dishonesty or 'performance', that you need totally open and free flowing communication.
You have a problem dealing with other people's privacy. If you cannot enjoy someone's company because they have a personal secret from you, that is a you problem.

Most people have secrets and like privacy. They want friends for companionship and sharing time together, but not necessarily to bare their souls to and be totally open and honest.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 11:43

LilacBalloons · 03/09/2026 11:32

So the issue is you suspect your friend has an eating disorder but she hasn't told you about it, and you feel this is putting a constraint on your friendship because her behaviour is in some way artificial or untruthful?

You have an absolute right not to be friends with anyone for any reason, OP - if the friendship is making you uncomfortable you can discontinue it.

That being said, an eating disorder is a lonely thing, attached to a lot of shame and anxiety. Your friend could probably do with non-judgmental empathy if you're able to give it.

Well, you have completely hit the nail on the head. I feel that she probably is lonely and isolated but she is not someone who gives off vibes of wanting to discuss something like that. She is a very bright, talented, competent person but does not wear her heart on her sleeve. It has become more marked of late that things are not great I feel. I could just carry on but as I have said, it is starting to make me not behave naturally around her and I wonder if the best thing to do is to stop meeting up. She does see froends and family. I dont know if she has a problem for sure or if anyone knows.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 11:33

SereneFinch · 03/09/2026 10:55

Do you know any of her other friends or family? Can you mention your concerns to them?

One person did remark that she was very slim ...to her face. A person who is a very competent, well liked member of the friendship group . Not someone who just fancied a gossip. I felt like following it up but also felt very awkward about turning it into into issue so I kept quiet.

OP posts:
LilacBalloons · 03/09/2026 11:32

So the issue is you suspect your friend has an eating disorder but she hasn't told you about it, and you feel this is putting a constraint on your friendship because her behaviour is in some way artificial or untruthful?

You have an absolute right not to be friends with anyone for any reason, OP - if the friendship is making you uncomfortable you can discontinue it.

That being said, an eating disorder is a lonely thing, attached to a lot of shame and anxiety. Your friend could probably do with non-judgmental empathy if you're able to give it.

PollyBell · 03/09/2026 11:26

Why on earth does it matter? Are they showing any signs of being distressed or unhealthy or need someone interfering?

Why are you hyper focussed on it?

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 11:22

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 10:41

OK, but why does it matter? Eating disorders aren't exactly unusual. My own eating is very disordered, but it's not something I'd talk about apart from to my closest friends.

Well that's it. You said you talk about it so they understand where you are coming from.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 11:20

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 10:40

OP, this is sounding madder and madder, frankly. Why does it matter whether or not this friend has an eating disorder? Why are you monitoring her body language? Why does it matter whether she's enthusiastic about going out for dinner? She's presumably managing her issues as best she can. You're making it all about you.

No i disagree. I think interraction involves interpretation. We all do it all the time. I mean you wouldnt have phrases like ' reading the room' if there was no truth to that. And if what you are getting and what you think you are getting are rather jarring then I think it becomea a probllem..

OP posts:
Coldwetlettuce · 03/09/2026 10:57

She’s on Mounjaro

SereneFinch · 03/09/2026 10:55

Do you know any of her other friends or family? Can you mention your concerns to them?

FiveShelties · 03/09/2026 10:46

Yes, I think things are sometimes not what they seem. A bit like your thread?

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 10:41

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 10:22

But you said she told you she had a food problem? What's the mystery?

No im talking about acfriend from my adolescence and DIFFEERENT friend NOW.

OP posts:
Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 10:41

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 10:39

No i'm talking about a friend from my adolescence and a DIFFERENT friend now.

OK, but why does it matter? Eating disorders aren't exactly unusual. My own eating is very disordered, but it's not something I'd talk about apart from to my closest friends.

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 10:40

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 10:38

I know. That"s exactly the problem. I feel bad and awkward about it..l I know they might have a problem and I have sympathy for that but I also think it is hard to interract with someone....., when you are trying to interpret behaviour.... as one inevitably does when interracting with another human being..... if you think the behaviour is coming from an inauthentic place,..... what do you do. Let me give two examples just to make it clearer because I'm wondering if other people have encountered this and how they have engaged with it. First. Going out with a group of friends and someone touches on that topic and you see this person suddenly very clearly pulling at their cuffs, and seeming to visibly shrink into their seat....quite markedly, when they are actually a very confident person who normally talks a lot. Second. The person being very encouraging and vocal around any arrangement involving food but then getting a very strong vibe that it's all performative and that you are actually taking part in a bit of a charade. It's making me less and less ' freeflowing' in my interractions to the point where I think I might knock it on the head.

OP, this is sounding madder and madder, frankly. Why does it matter whether or not this friend has an eating disorder? Why are you monitoring her body language? Why does it matter whether she's enthusiastic about going out for dinner? She's presumably managing her issues as best she can. You're making it all about you.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 10:39

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 10:37

But from one of her subsequent posts, the friend actually told her this, so it's even more mystifying what the problem is...?

No i'm talking about a friend from my adolescence and a DIFFERENT friend now.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 10:38

FrogsLoveRain · 03/09/2026 10:21

OP, this is an anonymous forum. You can come out and say exactly what you're thinking/ what you mean.

It is hard to follow your posts as they're pretty cryptic!

I know. That"s exactly the problem. I feel bad and awkward about it..l I know they might have a problem and I have sympathy for that but I also think it is hard to interract with someone....., when you are trying to interpret behaviour.... as one inevitably does when interracting with another human being..... if you think the behaviour is coming from an inauthentic place,..... what do you do. Let me give two examples just to make it clearer because I'm wondering if other people have encountered this and how they have engaged with it. First. Going out with a group of friends and someone touches on that topic and you see this person suddenly very clearly pulling at their cuffs, and seeming to visibly shrink into their seat....quite markedly, when they are actually a very confident person who normally talks a lot. Second. The person being very encouraging and vocal around any arrangement involving food but then getting a very strong vibe that it's all performative and that you are actually taking part in a bit of a charade. It's making me less and less ' freeflowing' in my interractions to the point where I think I might knock it on the head.

OP posts:
Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 10:37

AbsintheMakesTheHeartGrowFonder · 03/09/2026 10:27

So you think someone might have an eating disorder.

OK. What's your actual question, though? What's your dilemma?

But from one of her subsequent posts, the friend actually told her this, so it's even more mystifying what the problem is...?

Frumpitydoo · 03/09/2026 10:34

Huh?

FaceEatingLeopard · 03/09/2026 10:32

"of late Ive felt uncomfortable as if there is a whole layer of something that is actually driving the entire dynamic and that things have not been what they seem for a very long time"

What does this even mean? Seriously? What on earth are you on about?

AbsintheMakesTheHeartGrowFonder · 03/09/2026 10:27

So you think someone might have an eating disorder.

OK. What's your actual question, though? What's your dilemma?

HollyhocksandPeons · 03/09/2026 10:23

ColdAsAWitches · 03/09/2026 09:34

They could be anorexic, they could be one of the lizard people. Your post isn't exactly full of details of what you're on about.

What are lizard people?

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 10:22

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 10:06

An eating problem

But you said she told you she had a food problem? What's the mystery?

FrogsLoveRain · 03/09/2026 10:21

OP, this is an anonymous forum. You can come out and say exactly what you're thinking/ what you mean.

It is hard to follow your posts as they're pretty cryptic!