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AIBU?

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Things not what they seem ?

84 replies

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 09:09

I know someone who makes a great big song about how lovely food is but doesnt actually seem to eat much. It took me a while to twig....if indeed I have got the right end of the stick. They are often lovely and I would never mention it but of late Ive felt uncomfortable as if there is a whole layer of something that is actually driving the entire dynamic and that things have not been what they seem for a very long time.

OP posts:
Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 03/09/2026 14:57

I'm finding your posts difficult to follow OP, but going back to the very first one, is it more that because you think there may be some secret struggle/issue you feel uncomfortable not trying to address it, but don't know how to address it?

nomas · 03/09/2026 14:51

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 14:47

Not really sure where the word annoy was ever used ?

Your language sounds annoyed ('making a great big song about it', 'manipulative', 'secretive') etc.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 14:47

nomas · 03/09/2026 14:35

Anorexia is serious mental health condition, someone who has it is not doing it to annoy you.

Not really sure where the word annoy was ever used ?

OP posts:
FedUpToTheBackTooth · 03/09/2026 14:43

How would you treat the friend if you knew for sure that they were extremely ill with a mental health condition that has the highest death rate out of any mental health conditions?
I’d hope you would treat her with love and kindness? So just do that - even if you don’t know for sure. If she has an eating disorder, she isn’t keeping secrets to manipulate you she is ill and needing friends and to be able to hope that she might be able to push through difficult situations and make changes.

nomas · 03/09/2026 14:35

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 14:32

I think it's the use of ' secret' that doesn't quite work for me. I've nothing against secrets in friendships per se. If someone had a sexual behaviour that was considered highly niche and maybe distasteful to some people I'm not sure I'd care if they didn't share that for example. I think it's because secrecy and manipulation can be almost said to be functions of anorexic behaviour that that gives a different slant to the word 'secret.' And that can of course be a reason to be concerned in a friendship. Being manipulated can of course be a cause for concern in a dynamic between individuals. I think that is whst I am trying to say.

Anorexia is serious mental health condition, someone who has it is not doing it to annoy you.

SilenceInside · 03/09/2026 14:35

@Daygloboo do you still like this person? Are they a good friend to you and do you still enjoy their company? If those things have changed, for whatever reason, then you might want to end the friendship because it isn’t what it was or what you want it to be. The reason why is not massively relevant, especially if you don’t want to raise it with the person themselves.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 14:32

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:59

Changed character in quotes is a bit loaded.

I think it's the use of ' secret' that doesn't quite work for me. I've nothing against secrets in friendships per se. If someone had a sexual behaviour that was considered highly niche and maybe distasteful to some people I'm not sure I'd care if they didn't share that for example. I think it's because secrecy and manipulation can be almost said to be functions of anorexic behaviour that that gives a different slant to the word 'secret.' And that can of course be a reason to be concerned in a friendship. Being manipulated can of course be a cause for concern in a dynamic between individuals. I think that is whst I am trying to say.

OP posts:
Cora0 · 03/09/2026 14:20

CinnamonContessa · 03/09/2026 14:05

OP, to be frank, you sound jealous.

Yes, exactly what I thought. The friend is bright, talented, well-liked, and now quite slim as well. It sounds like the straw that broke the jealous camel’s back and now OP is grasping for a reason to not see her anymore, without admitting to herself what the real reason is.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 14:20

CinnamonContessa · 03/09/2026 14:05

OP, to be frank, you sound jealous.

No I dont think that remotely has anything to do with it. I'm not at all sure what that really means in thus situation at all. ???

OP posts:
nomas · 03/09/2026 14:06

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:19

I do agree that it isnt my business and ( I am not a professional who has the knowledge or skills to deal with it. ) But I dont agree it doesnt interfere with the friendship . Someone's personality can be changed by it and the dynamic can change. My friend from school became incredibly negative after having been really bubbly . Past a certain point, you can be objectively understanding of the situation , but the dynamic changes and it can affect the friendship. At least I feel this to be the case.

I love food but I low carb so can't tuck into a lot of the foods a lot of people are having like pasta, bread, beans, cake etc.

I also don't like talking about what I eat or don't eat except with family but I do eat a very varied diet at home with meat, fish, lots of veg and some fruit.

CinnamonContessa · 03/09/2026 14:05

OP, to be frank, you sound jealous.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:59

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 13:52

So are you basically saying that if a friend is keeping a secret from you that is private then that is enough for you to deem them a 'changed character' and end the friendship?

Would you have this issue if it wasn't about an eating disorder? I can see that because of your history you may not be thinking clearly on this subject.

If you insist that your friends don't keep any secrets from you, you will soon run out of friends.

Changed character in quotes is a bit loaded.

OP posts:
Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:52

Shellityhorn · 03/09/2026 11:55

I don't, no -- only to two very close friends, one of whom has been hospitalised for anorexia because her organs were closing down on more than one occasion., the other a therapist I'd asked for a recommendation for a specific form of therapy locally. And when I say 'talk', I mean, I told them about it once, years ago.

I have many other friends I love and value, to whom I've never mentioned it. It's a very vulnerable thing to do. I'm not 'withholding' crucial information from them, I'm simply not able or willing to be vulnerable about something very difficult and personal. My disordered eating started when I experienced CSA as a child, and that's not something I talk about easily either.

Obviously, as a PP said, you can discontinue a friendship for any reason. But to require someone to tell you about a complicated disorder which is bound up with so much shame and self-loathing as a condition of friendship strikes me as unreasonable and cruel.

In your shoes, I'd be asking myself why it's so important to you that she discloses her disordered eating to you. (Unless she's visibly extremely emaciated to the point where you worry for her on medical grounds, in which case I do understand why this is difficult to witness. But it's difficult to witness when you know about the anorexia, too.)

Yes she's very thin. But I dont think I've said anywhere that she must tell me. Maybe I've not expressed myself very well.

OP posts:
StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 13:52

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:47

I think the two are somewhat intertwined

So are you basically saying that if a friend is keeping a secret from you that is private then that is enough for you to deem them a 'changed character' and end the friendship?

Would you have this issue if it wasn't about an eating disorder? I can see that because of your history you may not be thinking clearly on this subject.

If you insist that your friends don't keep any secrets from you, you will soon run out of friends.

LostTheGoodScissors · 03/09/2026 13:52

I feel, from the way you’ve talked about it on the thread, that you perhaps aren’t the person she needs as a shoulder to cry on right now. She doesn’t owe you an explanation about what she’s going through just because you’re a friend, some people just prefer to deal with things privately, and that’s completely okay.
If you feel uncomfortable having to navigate the friendship or being mindful about talking about food around her, and you’d rather step back from the friendship, then obviously that’s completely up to you. But if you do want to continue being friends, I’d probably just try to be a little sensitive to what she might be dealing with. That could be as simple as suggesting things you can do together that aren’t centred around food, and avoiding making weight gain, weight loss, dieting etc. such a big part of the conversation. I don’t think it needs to be complicated, just being mindful and giving her a bit of space around it.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:47

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 13:33

You are confusing cause and effect.
It is not the secret that affects the friendship (in this case an eating disorder). It is the change of personality.

It is not fine to insist that your friends have no secrets and no privacy.

It is perfectly fine to end a friendship if the friend has changed personality and you no longer enjoy their company.

I think the two are somewhat intertwined

OP posts:
Seajaye · 03/09/2026 13:44

Is it you that has eating or weight issues, or another problem you find hard to disclose?

MickyMoonshine · 03/09/2026 13:43

I have an eating disorder. I don’t talk about it to many people as it’s something that is quite hard to explain.
It doesn’t interfere with my friendships. I’m entitled to keep some things private.

KateBushAgain · 03/09/2026 13:34

Don’t be friends then .

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 13:33

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:19

I do agree that it isnt my business and ( I am not a professional who has the knowledge or skills to deal with it. ) But I dont agree it doesnt interfere with the friendship . Someone's personality can be changed by it and the dynamic can change. My friend from school became incredibly negative after having been really bubbly . Past a certain point, you can be objectively understanding of the situation , but the dynamic changes and it can affect the friendship. At least I feel this to be the case.

You are confusing cause and effect.
It is not the secret that affects the friendship (in this case an eating disorder). It is the change of personality.

It is not fine to insist that your friends have no secrets and no privacy.

It is perfectly fine to end a friendship if the friend has changed personality and you no longer enjoy their company.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 13:19

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 12:32

Yes, but that doesn't mean it is any of your business, or that it should interfere with the friendship.

I do agree that it isnt my business and ( I am not a professional who has the knowledge or skills to deal with it. ) But I dont agree it doesnt interfere with the friendship . Someone's personality can be changed by it and the dynamic can change. My friend from school became incredibly negative after having been really bubbly . Past a certain point, you can be objectively understanding of the situation , but the dynamic changes and it can affect the friendship. At least I feel this to be the case.

OP posts:
ColdAsAWitches · 03/09/2026 12:39

"I think my friend has an eating disorder. I'm not comfortable talking to her about it (even though she's giving vibes that she DOESN'T want to talk about it), so I'm thinking of ending the friendship, without telling her why."

Does that sum it up?

StandingDeskDisco · 03/09/2026 12:32

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 12:01

Sorry but I think an eating disorder is rather more serious than a private hobby. I think it consumes domeone's life, just as alcoholism becomes a very difficult problem for people around the alcoholic to negotiate.

Yes, but that doesn't mean it is any of your business, or that it should interfere with the friendship.

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 12:31

SilenceInside · 03/09/2026 12:11

Well, then surely you have two main options if you want to change the dynamic and not remain with the status quo. End the friendship over this issue and your issues with people not being fully honest with you. Or, raise it directly with your friend and tell her that this issue is too big to ignore and you feel you need to talk to her about it and for her to tell you everything that is going on with her.

Yes I agree. I would be uncomfortable with the second one as it would feel intrusive because she doesnt come across as someone who'd want to talk about it. And I'm not a psychologist and would be out of my depth. So it will probably be the first.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 03/09/2026 12:25

Daygloboo · 03/09/2026 12:01

Sorry but I think an eating disorder is rather more serious than a private hobby. I think it consumes domeone's life, just as alcoholism becomes a very difficult problem for people around the alcoholic to negotiate.

But it is not up to you to decide that for them