AIBU to resent grandparents who rarely make effort with our son?

I suspect the expectations of grandparents and what they should or should not be doing, about ‘relationships’ and what that means has changed.
They probably have no idea they are doing anything perceived as wrong.
I wonder if the two sets of grandparents are of a slightly different generation too?

This idea of being ‘involved’ and building a ‘relationship’s did not occur so much in my parents day for example. They loved their grandchildren. And liked to see them. But regular updates on what they were up to, doing that week ,would have been too much. They would have spent all their time doing just and only that they had so many grandchildren. Of all ages. I realise there is just the one here.

I would try not to compare. I am sure they love your son. And theirs.

Hard feelings are natural in a dynamic like this. There’s little point in raising it, as this tends to provoke offence rather than curiosity or reflection. Allow yourself your feelings about it, they will come and go. And focus your energy with those who do make the effort.

Is DH's sibling a golden child?

If yes, I suspect DH's parents will change their tune if the golden child has children.

I think DH can facilitate the contact but I wouldn't get involved in it, he needs to realise himself he is on a hiding to nothing.

Help DH leep your own little family busy and happy and DH may realise that he doesn't to run around after his parents.

Why can't you accept them for who they are?

I ended up being quite direct with my MiL and saying that we hadn’t got the impression she wanted to be involved, but that I‘d be happy to facilitate any type of relationship she wanted with our DS. It worked with her (directness often does in Germany ;-) ). She thought about it for a week, said she would never interfere like she felt her own mother had done, but would help whenever we asked her.

She also has health issues that impact her hands and mobility.

We started with short, specific asks - could she take DS out in his buggy while I was at a Dr appointment? Could she come to ours for 2 hours while I got some work done? Could I drop DS off for 2 hours while I went to an appointment? We also went out for lunch together once a week. She got to know DS in small doses, see what she could realistically manage, and build her own relationship with him.

She‘s since moved closer to us, DS(9) goes round after school once a week, and even stays over there sometimes. They have a beautiful relationship. It’s usually us asking for help (she really doesn’t want to ‚interfere‘) but it works.

The flipside is my Dad, who can’t relate to DS or many other people. We now let him be.

Don’t say anything. We did and it was a huge mistake! They got massively upset and furious. Was upsetting for dh. It took years to get back on an even keel.

We now accept they are low interest and that’s fine. We meet every few months for a meal and the odd weekend. One young adult teen is fond of them and makes an effort with them. The other does not. I really regret speaking out it was pointless and led to unnecessary upset.

You can't make your in laws want to be involved grandparents if they don't want to be or can't. I think this is down to their own issues and shortcomings of course but it does hurt x

Hi OP this is a really difficult situation. Are your in laws not interested in your husband and you generally or is it more with your child or both? In my situation my parents are interested in my children but not me.. all v strange tbh. It is best to fill your life with other people who want to engage with you but it will always hurt I think x

See some people might find your parents approach too much. GPs can’t win! If they are interested in your son when you visit then I can’t see a real problem if they don’t take the initiative. Maybe she has read the posts on MN about evil, interfering MILs

Yes my in laws made no effort. And when we/I arranged something it was all ‘we haven’t seen you for ages’ with a pointed look in our direction. But we would find out they’d been in our area (only 20 minutes from their house) but not called. And when we called them it was always ‘we’ll get back to you’. They were both retired when our kids came along but they just weren’t interested. Nothing you can do about it.

nailed it. I am sorry it hurts your DH but I don't see what he can do about it.

Well he needs to talk to them about that, and try to understand their POV. At the moment, your posts come across as a bit PFB, and as though your idea of what the relationship between your DS and your PiL should be, is the only way to go.

I know exactly what you’re saying in your posts - you just want them to show an interest and actually want them to want to spend time with your son. I’m sure my ILs tell everyone about how doting they are as GPs but the reality is that they don’t know them (the little one not at all), they’re just not a part of their lives at all, not for want of us trying. I hope for your sons sake and your DHs sake that you can find a way through and they can have their relationship. I try not to be but I am so utterly jealous of friends who have GPs who are a major part of their children’s lives and how interested they are in them. I’ve tried to come to terms with the fact that makes me a human being and it’s okay to feel that way!

Are there many other grandchildren ? The only thing I am thinking of is that if there are the thought of ‘keeping up to date’ with what they are all doing could seem overwhelming.

Maybe they feel they've done their parenting, and they want your DH to step up?

They have adult lives, and their lives don't revolve around your DC. Why shouldn't they see friends etc?

What do the other grandparents do that you wish his would do in everyday terms ? I am wondering if you labelled it out in practical terms you could start to encourage them to do likewise ?

It depends. Some people at 60 are young and riding around on bikes and full of the joys of spring. Some are not.
And whilst not expecting them to parent, the OP clearly has expectations about being a grandparent that I think I was trying to explain are not those that the grandparents would understand. Not because they are evil, nor hateful, nor lazy but grew up with a different understanding of what being a grandparent is about.

Seems to me like they are almost literally saying "please invite us" as they are unable within their protocol/upbringing/mindset/call it what you will, to do the inviting. No need to go in all guns blazing. Just invite them round occasionally, informally. Or message them when you're passing their way to see if you can drop in (that one may meet more resistance). See if that makes a difference.

We have this with my in-laws, and on occasion my own family, though tbf they are older than yours and live considerably further away. I think we saw ILs three times in 2025 (when we travelled to them) and our now nearly 2 year old has no idea who they are (which they admit but don’t seem particularly sad about).

My main issue was that we got phone calls and messages complaining that they’ve not seen the kids - you know where we are! Money and time not at all a factor and very happy to galivant around the uk/world just not to see us. I try to get past it but then feel very sad for my DH who is an only child and only has his mum (who is remarried after his dad died).

We’ve matched their energy a bit now, he realised it was always him calling, so he’s waited to be called. We’ve also been let down a number of times when they said they’d wanted to help (not that they have to but you take someone at their word when they say they’ll help with, say, staggered reception start then book a cruise!). However, having had them say but never follow through with “we can help in the holidays” I took the bull by the horns this year, asked specifically for help for 3 days with our 6 year old, and they really followed through. They planned activities, took her out, and just got to know her. I think that was great for their relationship but I wish they’d have started sooner. They were utterly exhausted and 5 years ago would likely have had lots more energy for her. We’ve made clear they don’t need to ‘do’ anything, it’s just nice for them to want to spend time with her. Time will tell whether it’s been helpful but you could try that - if they offer and your son is happy to spend time with them, try and make it happen and they might see what a fab kid he is and what they’re missing out on.