AIBU to resent grandparents who rarely make effort with our son?

I'm in practically an identical situation and my little boy is 6 now. I tell myself that they are ultimately the ones missing out, not anyone else. And if they ever make a comment about not seeing him, though this hasn't happened in a long time, I just say that you're always very welcome to take him out or have him over. We see them as a family from time to time and it's okay enough. They just like doing nothing and that's that really.

Is your DH perhaps witnessing the same behaviour from his parents towards your son that he witnessed from them when he was growing up? If he didn't have a particularly good/close relationship with them himself the chances are they're not really interested which is a shame. DH can't force the relationship if they're not meeting him halfway. It's not necessarily his fault but it probably hurts him.

They will reap what they have sown, your DC will probably realise that they are not interested in him and won't bother when he's older. Gc are a joy and they are missing out by their own stupidity, l am sorry for your DH as he must be hard for him to see.

My worry is that a lot of these sort of grandparents will want to have their cake and eat it. In that they'll want to spend most of their 60s on holidays and with friends but then in their 80s when their world is smaller they'll expect the family that they neglected to be available.

@JuliettaCaeserthat's terrible! Now you mention it my parents would moan about having nothing in their lives if they had too long a break between holidays. I had forgotten that little gem.

Over and above the hurt of that, I am really angry at the post-retirement travel industry marketing machine. My parents were absolute cruise victims and their consumption of luxury experiences was like an addiction (they also not coincidentally had serious alcohol problems alongside this which the unlimited drinks options fuelled dramatically).

Urgh deplora your post brought back memories of PIL. They would be near our house (we lived about 90 mins away) but wouldn’t bother making minimal effort to see their then only grandchild. Mil once mused that they were going to live abroad for a year as “there’s nothing to keep us in England”. Err thanks then!!

That would be very difficult. In our case they were not particularly bothered with any of the DGC. Lots of talk about them - but no real effort. They didn’t know what food they liked, didn’t know the names of any of their friends etc. SIL once pointed this out in comparison to how much her mum knew about her DC, and I remembered that my DGM certainly knew the names of a couple of my friends and knew what each of us didn’t like to eat.

BIL is pretty quick to fire back at PIL when they comment on not seeing DNs much. DH far less so. We basically put all the effort in when they were small. As a result, DSs and DNs aren’t really that bothered about seeing them much. PIL put their friends first, all the time. It is what it is - not much you can do about it.

YANBU!

Are their any other grandchildren? My inlaws don't even know what our DC children look like like, but SIL children are AMAZING and perfect. Its like ours are forgotten. It does hurt

I was going to start this reply by saying "unfortunately there's not you can do," but I realize I'm extrapolating from my own situation and it's possible your DH's relationship with his parents is good enough that they might be able to talk it out I don't know.

My relationship with my parents is pretty murky but on the face of it civil, respectable etc etc. They retired in their mid fifties and spent the next two decades basically being on holiday (multiple long haul each year plus travelling the UK following a sports team) so visiting had to be arranged long ahead and they would visit us on the way to Heathrow on the odd occasion they couldn't transfer to their local airport. They would buy us lunch at a chain pub they liked near our house which was nice and worked well in its own way. But when DS1 started school they wouldn't wait an extra half hour to see him after school (sort of fair enough it's a long drive but DS was upset) And eventually I discovered they were still stopping for lunch at the chain pub a mile from my house sometimes, they just were no longer telling me about it or visiting. It sounds like such a petty complaint but I found it incredibly hurtful so I do get that your DH feels similarly hurt by making all the running.

The thing is though my parents are now late eighties and a bit frail and it's now unquestionably my job to make all the running, do the visiting etc etc. it doesn't really count that they were so self centered in their sixties, it still turns out to be their turn now. My (cheery) point is, it will probably get worse and the guilt pendulum will swing towards you whatever you do, so make your peace now with being the ones putting the effort in.

Talk to them-say exactly what you have said here. Be clear you love them and want a closer relationship.
Even if they appear healthy, there might be some issues/worries you're not aware of, so bear that in mind.

I definitely feel sympathetic to your situation. My parents live abroad and ensure they see my DC at least once a year despite the journey becoming more taxing as they get older. DC’s paternal grandmother lives abroad as well, but only an hour flight away, and she rarely visits. It’s hard to think that the most important person in your life isn’t the most important to them, and you know they’re missing out. But you can’t change that, so your efforts are better put into nurturing the relationships that both sides want.

How many times has your DH initiated a visit to theirs over the summer, or actively invited them to your house?

It sounds like they perhaps like idea of being a grandparent more than reality .
They sound quite rigid and old fashioned so them just turning up uninvited probably feels rude. Likewise inviting yourself over may be felt to be rude.
My dh has a tricky relationship with mil. When dd was primary age I used to invite her to school events eg carol concert, assembly to see dd get a certificate. No pressure to come or not. I was there. It seemed to suit as it was a short set piece and enabled her to say to friends I’ve seen dd.
Other idea is to see if they want to take ds to a weekly hobby. So take him to hobby, watch, go for a drink/snack after and drop him back.

Why though? Why does it matter? They say they want to see your child. Your child likes seeing them so I am assuming they are sufficiently interested and hands on when there to make visits enjoyable. Why does your husband care that he sends the text when you have availability to say “let’s meet up”? It’s not remotely cumbersome.

This is it, the waiting to die, can’t be bothered to make any effort and everything is in an unbreakable routine.

Great advice

Do they say no if you suggest something or meeting up?

It sounds like they’re just not really children people and they want to be but aren’t. I don’t think it’s their fault, they’re in retirement mode and that doesn’t match up with a five year old. Saying that I think ye need to talk to them and arrange visits, I think gps and kids’ relationships are great ones, they’ll all gain from it. Sorry though, it’s hard x

Yes maybe say that but don’t go any further! It’s not worth it and if their behaviour is basically because of their personalities it’s really not going to go down well or achieve anything! Learn from our mistake!

Massively lower your expectations and value what they are prepared to give and learn to not care is my advice.

In your shoes, or your DH's, I would just be direct. 'Listen, Doreen and Ted, I know you want to see little Timmy more, you only live 15 mins away so why not just pop by for a cuppa or let us know when you want to? You can decide when you want to see him as well, you know.'

They sound massively cautious, pedestrian and small world view. In their PJs by early afternoon, needing to check things off? They're practically waiting to die. Either your husband can impose himself more and just start turning up at theirs / inviting them around, or you can just drop the effort. But don't get sucked into their weird narrative. If they say we feel guilty, then just say 'well do something about it then...'

I think this is the problem with a lot of these relationships. A productive conversation about what's going wrong isn't a realistic option most of the time. The only real option is acceptance or NC or something in between.

At 60 they're far from old and needing to slow down . I'm 75 and will always babysit or look after my 9 Yr old gs whenever I'm asked . I do like to be asked so I don't just turn up when they're busy etc . Maybe GPs are just not interested , it's sad for your son but you can't force them to want to see him . Go Lc with them .