Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I’m honestly overwhelmed by how many responses I’ve had and I really have read every single one. I didn’t anticipate getting so many replies, so thank you.
To answer some of the questions that have come up:
Yes, I have confided in close family and a couple of friends. One or two family members have said I should stay with him because they know how heartbroken I would be at having less time with my babies and having them stay away overnight, and so said they don’t really see what other options I have if I don’t want to be away from them. Others have said I should leave because you only get one life. So I’m being pulled in both directions by the advice. Everyone has said they will support me whatever I decide, but ultimately nobody can make the decision for me.
Yes, he is grieving, but he has always been a depressive person anyway, so this has been going on for longer than the recent bereavement. Obviously things have become considerably worse since that happened though.
I do care about him. I care about him as the father of my children and because of all the years we’ve spent together, and I certainly wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to him.
But I don’t feel that burning passion for him, and definitely not the way I feel I should feel towards my fiancé in the run up to our wedding. When we booked the wedding previously, I was genuinely excited about it. Now when people ask things like how’s the planning going, I just don’t want to talk about it.
I think if we cancel/postpone the wedding, it will be the beginning of the end of our relationship. And if I’m being honest, I fantasise about a life without him. But the thought of doing that with no financial safety net scares me.
I worry about things like what if I lost my job? What if I couldn’t find another one on the same salary? I’m not with him for his money, but there is obviously a huge comfort in having two wages coming into a household with two small children and a large mortgage.
He isn’t abusive. There’s no physical, verbal, financial or coercive control. There are no issues with drugs, gambling or alcohol. On paper, he is a good guy. I’ve certainly had far worse boyfriends in the past.
But is that enough reason to marry someone? Because they aren’t abusive and they’re good on paper?
I did think about having a party instead of the wedding as it’s all paid for, but I’m not sure whether that would actually be more upsetting and just feel weird and awkward.
He doesn’t know the full extent of how I feel, although he obviously knows I’m unhappy. We bicker daily, mainly about his laziness and the lack of support I feel I get.
If I ask him to help me with something, he will eventually do it. But there is very little initiative. I constantly feel like I have to delegate everything. I have a running list in my head of everything that needs doing in the house and with the kids, and he waits to be asked before doing things that he can clearly see need doing, whilst I’m dealing with the twins he’s sat with his feet up watching the tv.
It makes me so angry because I feel like his mother rather than his partner. I feel like a nagging wench, and that is not the person I want to be. I’m fed up of hearing my own voice.
Financially, we earn broadly the same and we are ok for money together, but we would both struggle financially if we lived separately. I don’t think there is actually any financial benefit to me personally in marrying him. And I’m not the kind of person who would marry someone just to divorce them and take half their money, I’d rather pay my own way in this world.
The really difficult part is that, ultimately, what is keeping me here is the children. If it wasn’t for them I’d be long gone, you wouldn’t see me for dust!
I know that staying together for the sake of the kids is an unpopular opinion, but logistically I’ve always thought it was the best option in the short term. I previously set myself a goal of staying until they were teenagers and seeing how things were then, on the basis that they will be older and want to do their own thing more and hang out with friends, and hopefully we would be more financially secure by that point and separating our finances would be easier with more spare money to get our own places etc.
But honestly, I don’t know if I can do another 10+ years of this. But I don’t want my kids to have to be looked after by him on their own either. That isn’t fair on them as he’s not dad of the year!
He can clearly see that I’m unhappy, and I can’t see how he can be particularly happy either. We feel like passing ships in the night. But he doesn’t seem to want to do anything about it either.
He seems quite happy to trundle along with an easy life and avoid the upheaval that making changes would bring. Maybe some of that is his depression. I do understand that.
However, he has shown very little interest in the wedding. I’ve organised everything, just as I organise virtually every other aspect of our daily lives. But equally, when there is something he genuinely cares about, he can be passionate and engaged with it.