AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

Another vote to call it off and get rid. Totally reasonable as he’s such a dead weight. I’m a twin mum and there’s little room for passengers!

Sorry to read this. If you can’t get the money back from the wedding, could you have an uncoupling instead? My sil had a divorce party.
Best of luck

It depends whether you are willing to work on your relationship or whether you have already made up your mind.

Umm. Don’t you think it depends on whether he’d change? It’s ok to dump men who are a waste of space.

"I told him I was having doubts about the wedding, I didn’t say about our relationship. But he said let’s just crack on as it’s paid for and we can’t cancel now as we will lose the money and will look stupid and have to explain to everyone."

THESE were the reasons he gave for following through with the wedding?? It's paid for? We'll lose money? We'll look stupid? We'll have to explain to everyone?

Not

But I love you so much
Tell me what's brought this about?
How can I reassure you?
Do you want to cancel or delay? Do you need more time?
How did I not see how unhappy you were?

His response is everything you needed to hear. Please cancel. It will be awkward for a week. Being married to the wrong person will be unbearable for ever.

It's possible that his reason for marrying you is that being married will give him a better chance of maintaining a relationship with his children but not making any of the sacrifices that are required, i.e giving up free time, doing actual childcare etc.

Do you want to end the relationship?

If no then id kick it down the road if possible. Delay it a year if financially possible.

If yes cancel now

It will be less stressful and embarrassing and expensive to cancel than it will be to marry and then divorce.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but well done for seeing things clearly.

At the very very least you should postpone it in case some sort of counselling helps. But there is no way you should marry anyone with your head where it is. Sod everyone else and their thoughts. They are party guests - it’s not their life or their commitment.

Do not get stuck into a bad marriage. It is HELL to be with someone you don't like and so much harder to walk once you sign that license.

Honestly it doesn’t sound like he wants to get married either. You’d be doing you both a favour if you call it off today. Right away.

Exactly

He doesn’t exactly see this as the romance of the century. He is only going along with the marriage to save face. I bet he’d be relieved if the Op took control and cancelled it

That kick is much less awful than entering into a marriage if you don't love him anymore. Just get it done, IMHO.

It would be silly not to cancel feeling the way you do.

You should not make wedding vows and promise to love and to cherish, to have and to hold till death us do part if you don’t believe it.

But you are at the very most difficult time of parenting, when ALL marriages falter. Get past the early years and your relationship will likely feel different.

He might be feeling the same. You need to talk to him and at the very least consider postponing the wedding. Don’t worry about other people.

You say he’s useless with the twins - he may be able to change that if he knows it’s an issue. Would you really rather be alone with no help than have the possibility of some.

Call it off. I have just got divorced from an ex i was with for 25yrs. We married 8yrs ago and at that point i knew i didnt want to get married but went along with it because i didnt want to upset the kids and its what everyone expected of me.

It has been a very lonely marriage and the divorce process has been long and stressful. I wish i had the guts to listen to my heart 8 years ago! If the relationship isnt right marriage makes it worse not better.

Good luck and follow your gut instincts.

Thinking some more… just tell folk he’s got chicken pox and make him stay home and still have the party for your family and friends. I’d maybe still go on honeymoon if you’re going to lose money.

Serious question - why get married 8 years ago when you had been together for 25 years?

Better to call it off now than go through with it. Things won’t get better, sorry it’s a lose/lose for now 😔

She explained

How can she “make” him do anything? Come on… if you’re going to give advice at least make it half way realistic

I wanted to get married before kids and he said he didnt believe in marriage. I came to terms with that and had kids with him but the relationship went downhill after having kids.

He then out of the blue decided he wanted to get married and basically got the kids excited about the idea. I knew in my heart it was wrong but like a fool went along with it to keep the kids happy.

I have a lot of reflecting to do about the coercive control in the relationship and my extreme people pleasing. I finally feel free but have a lot of work to do on myself as the relationship was very damaging and I lost myself for a while.

No. This is just him taking the easy option and hoping you will stick around. Don't marry him whatever you do. It will be hell to untangle. As it is, it will be relatively easy.

He brings nothing to your life and he hasn't even stepped up since you said you had cold feet.

Edited to say @Piknik put it better than I did. He is STILL not saying or doing the right things OP - Come on!

How could you ever get through your vows with a straight face when every word of it would be a lie?
Another vote to cancel. It’s your one precious life, no amount of money or number of wedding guests could ever outweigh that.

Not sure it's as relevant once you've had kids, because you're effectively together, whether you marry or live together or spend any time together-your relationship with that person will always be there because the kids are 50% of each of you.

If you didn't, I would say call it off, but while marriage is supposed to be forever, people do divorce. Kids are obviously permanent.