AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

It's a sunk cost anyway. Cancel it and make your steps to leave the relationship.

I wouldn't marry him and certainly wouldn't have fallen pregnant with someone like this.

Nooooo! The sink cost fallacy is your enemy here! Better to call the wedding off than have to go through a divorce and all that entails. the bad feelings between you now will exacerbate to levels you can’t begin to imagine as you’ll lose the ability to call it quits and have to drag things out through the divorce process.

have the conversation now, “I’m not going to go through with the wedding, we’re in completely the wrong place, let’s call it off and focus on co-parenting and managing the next phases in our lives calmly

cancel what you can, but don’t go through with this for the sake of invitations! That’s daft!

maybe this split will cause him to reconsider his parenting or lack of it, then you can reset the relationship and maybe try again.

if you just go ahead with this. I guarantee you he won’t change. Why would he?

You can of course call it off and if there are no assets involved (does he own the house where you live, or do you both rent together), then there is no financial advantage to getting married before separating. (I know, I know. This is cynical, but am so fed up of reading about women who have been SAHM for decades, are not named on the title deeds etc and then being booted out when youngest reaches 18 with nothing to show for their lives together.)

You sound like I did over 25 years ago. I knew it was a wrong move just days before the big day, but I felt so bad cancelling because everyone had bought gifts, booked accommodation, new outfits etc and we’d loose money on deposits for the reception and everything else that comes with planning a wedding.
My best friend begged me to call it off when I confided, but I was embarrassed and ashamed, and didn’t. Looking back, I so wish that I had. We divorced anyway a few years later and that was very stressful.
Honestly, just cancel and start planning how you continue life apart, with your children’s best interests at heart, of course.

Not sure it's as relevant once you've had kids, because you're effectively together, whether you marry or live together or spend any time together-your relationship with that person will always be there because the kids are 50% of each of you.

If you didn't, I would say call it off, but while marriage is supposed to be forever, people do divorce. Kids are obviously permanent.

How could you ever get through your vows with a straight face when every word of it would be a lie?
Another vote to cancel. It’s your one precious life, no amount of money or number of wedding guests could ever outweigh that.

No. This is just him taking the easy option and hoping you will stick around. Don't marry him whatever you do. It will be hell to untangle. As it is, it will be relatively easy.

He brings nothing to your life and he hasn't even stepped up since you said you had cold feet.

Edited to say @Piknik put it better than I did. He is STILL not saying or doing the right things OP - Come on!

I wanted to get married before kids and he said he didnt believe in marriage. I came to terms with that and had kids with him but the relationship went downhill after having kids.

He then out of the blue decided he wanted to get married and basically got the kids excited about the idea. I knew in my heart it was wrong but like a fool went along with it to keep the kids happy.

I have a lot of reflecting to do about the coercive control in the relationship and my extreme people pleasing. I finally feel free but have a lot of work to do on myself as the relationship was very damaging and I lost myself for a while.

How can she “make” him do anything? Come on… if you’re going to give advice at least make it half way realistic

She explained

Better to call it off now than go through with it. Things won’t get better, sorry it’s a lose/lose for now 😔

Serious question - why get married 8 years ago when you had been together for 25 years?

Thinking some more… just tell folk he’s got chicken pox and make him stay home and still have the party for your family and friends. I’d maybe still go on honeymoon if you’re going to lose money.

Call it off. I have just got divorced from an ex i was with for 25yrs. We married 8yrs ago and at that point i knew i didnt want to get married but went along with it because i didnt want to upset the kids and its what everyone expected of me.

It has been a very lonely marriage and the divorce process has been long and stressful. I wish i had the guts to listen to my heart 8 years ago! If the relationship isnt right marriage makes it worse not better.

Good luck and follow your gut instincts.

You should not make wedding vows and promise to love and to cherish, to have and to hold till death us do part if you don’t believe it.

But you are at the very most difficult time of parenting, when ALL marriages falter. Get past the early years and your relationship will likely feel different.

He might be feeling the same. You need to talk to him and at the very least consider postponing the wedding. Don’t worry about other people.

You say he’s useless with the twins - he may be able to change that if he knows it’s an issue. Would you really rather be alone with no help than have the possibility of some.

It would be silly not to cancel feeling the way you do.

That kick is much less awful than entering into a marriage if you don't love him anymore. Just get it done, IMHO.

Exactly

He doesn’t exactly see this as the romance of the century. He is only going along with the marriage to save face. I bet he’d be relieved if the Op took control and cancelled it

Honestly it doesn’t sound like he wants to get married either. You’d be doing you both a favour if you call it off today. Right away.

Do not get stuck into a bad marriage. It is HELL to be with someone you don't like and so much harder to walk once you sign that license.

At the very very least you should postpone it in case some sort of counselling helps. But there is no way you should marry anyone with your head where it is. Sod everyone else and their thoughts. They are party guests - it’s not their life or their commitment.

It will be less stressful and embarrassing and expensive to cancel than it will be to marry and then divorce.

I'm sorry you're in this situation but well done for seeing things clearly.

Do you want to end the relationship?

If no then id kick it down the road if possible. Delay it a year if financially possible.

If yes cancel now

It's possible that his reason for marrying you is that being married will give him a better chance of maintaining a relationship with his children but not making any of the sacrifices that are required, i.e giving up free time, doing actual childcare etc.