AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

I know you are talking about the wedding expenses.

And I am talking about the unfair distribution of labour in their home where he leaves it all on her. Where is her compensation for that?
She is unilaterally pulling out the wedding and he unilaterally withdrew from parenting and stopped being a decent partner.

He isn’t going to reimburse her for any of that anytime soon. So yeah it’s only fair that she should not reimburse him either.

Especially when the two things are linked.
Because had he pulled his weight, she probably wouldn’t be cancelling the wedding.
This a consequence of his behaviour so he will just have to deal with it.

Bollards!! They both decided to book a wedding. He is being a lazy fcucker. If he had stepped up and pulled his weight then may be she would want to marry him.

Super helpful! 🙄 If only we could all see into the future like you! Ffs...

Why are you trapped?

I’m in a similar position but think it’s time to find a divorce lawyer and get my life back on track.

For the wedding expenses! She's unilaterally pulling out, so of course she should reimburse him.

Fast-forward to now, I actually can’t bear to be around him. He is useless with the twins, I do absolutely everything around the house, carry the mental load, do the shopping, housework and work full-time. He’s fucking useless

Why - is he going to reimburse her for the uneven balance of work and childcare in their household ?

I don’t think so! So no, she should not be reimbursing him.

Of course she shouldn't go through with it, but she should reimburse him now or in the future. It's the moral thing to do.

Oh op so much stress, best to call it of now and take the hit financially rather than marry him knowing how you feel and taking the hit emotionally, family will understand, but to get married to save face will be worst as those friends and family will be saying ' why the hell go through with it, ??

Honeymoon booked so name change and take a friend with you to help with the twins, go and have a( Reset) holiday, op, don't waist it,

Lady OK morning tv a few weeks ago cancelled her wedding, still had a party as all paid far and continued with the Honeymoon as again all paid for,

You’ve done one of the hardest bits already, which is realising and admitting to yourself what you don’t want. Well done! Now this is just the next step..have you got a bridesmaid you could confide in and ask her to handle the communications for you?

If you've paid for a venue and catering and are just going to lose it all, can you not just go ahead with this as a party of some sort, but skip the "getting married" bit? It might be weird, but it's better than actually marrying someone neither of you want to be married to. It's either that, or just lose all the money you've spent on it and have the hassle of telling everyone it's off.

Obviously it takes 2 to tango, but there’s no point even considering what he is prepared to do if she’s already made up her mind.

I LOVE that quote. "You can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm".
Will be using and applying it.

Very apt here.

Do a slow fade.

Tell him you want to postpone as neither of you are up to it right now (or maybe his family if that’s where the bereavement was).

Money is now in a ‘sunk cost fallacy’ situation.

This would take the sting out of any ‘shame’ - the bereavement is a good cover.

If he is depressed and stressed he will be relieved.

Then just look to disentangling yourself over the next few weeks and months.

Get advice and plan your move before telling him.

Have you told anyone IRL yet?

Do that make it real.

Your 2 twins need a fully operational, calm, happy and attuned mother for their emotional development - they don’t need your finite time, energy, headspace drained and preoccupied elsewhere by another toddler. Time to prioritise your resources and responsibilities.

Terrible advice.

Call it off, it sounds like you hate him.

The divorce will cost you & take years.

Well, the money has already been paid and is gone, so that's a moot point no matter what you do. Are people travelling from afar and have booked flights and hotels or is it all local? Are you still friendly? Have a heart to heart with him. If this relationship has truly run its course then decide whether you want to go ahead with the party as a family gathering and a split up party. Don't get married but see all your relatives. If this is not amicable then sod it and call it off.

Many years ago I married and beforehand he said he was having doubts, but i persuaded him to go ahead (i said i wouldn't want to stay together if we didn't get married). I wish I'd listened to him and cancelled/split up, as 8 months after the wedding he left me for someone else. We didn't have children, only a jointly owned flat.

Marriage is a legal contract and she will be tied to it for a year before she can even start divorce proceedings. Divorce is a lengthy, stressful and costly process. She will be avoiding all of that. Believe me - I wish I’d known just how costly and stressful it is - I’d never have got married. It’s had zero benefit for me.

If this is just a short term thing (doubtful) then they can ride it out together without the marriage contact. The only kiss in cancelling is deposits they won’t get back. Or money spent on the wedding etc. however if they get divorced in a year or more it’s additional cost.

They can chose to stay together without getting married.

Dont do it, everyone else can sod off if you dont split now you will split anyway

I called mine off 3 weeks before. At the time it was horrific as I felt I was letting everyone down and I nearly went through with it as I didn’t want to hurt him. In reality most people were supportive and the ones that weren’t I realised were never there for me anyway so no loss. I have never regretted it once and I am now happily married to someone else as is he.
Don’t do it unless you are sure.

No you don't. I'm sorry but you have 22 month old twins. If you were married prior, you'd still feel like this, because becoming a parent / parents is THE biggest and most stressful thing you can do. Some become parents at birth, some take years to settle. Some don't do great when kids are small but shine with the teenage years. You are stressed, tired, and being pulled in a lot of directions at this stage. You lose nothing now getting married, as it's too late to get money back and the only thing it will do is cost you, cause upset and require immediate mediation between you and your families. An unpopular opinion on here I am sure, but I don't see you gaining a lot by cancelling it, you're already committed for life having the twins. You might as well do this and see if you feel the same in a 6 months or a year. You're also likely to feel emotional right now, which is normal for anyone getting married, but more so when they have children the ages yours are.

One of my distant cousins called off a wedding about a week before. Everyone gossiped for a bit but moved on pretty quickly to the next thing. Don't do it as getting divorced is much more difficult. Maybe call off the wedding and think about counselling if your relationship is at all salvageable.

It is better to admit you walked through the wrong door than to spend your life in the wrong room. Call it off.

It takes a long time to get divorced, in your shoes I would tell guests there has been an admin error with the ceremony booking so we’re just going ahead with the party part instead, meet us at 2pm at the reception venue for champagne!
even if people guess then they hopefully won’t be rude enough to ask.
it’s all paid up - give your kids the lovely photos and memories of the day of all beign dressed up together. Give your family the reunion and dance they have booked flights and hotels for. But don’t get legally married!