AIBU to call off our wedding ten days before the ceremony?

You need to have a honest conversation about the relationship not just the wedding. A lot of people go through a hard time when they have small children, it can be a really rubbish time.

Do you fundamentally feel you can't bear him and there are no feelings of love at all? Or if he were to pull his weight and get some help for depression etc you could love him? Did you ever have anything to talk about?

Is he grieving OP? Had he changed?

my DH lost his parents. He was awful for two years and I would have happily divorced him. He did pick up after a couple of years though…

I actually think this is a good idea even if it's just in the language you use

Could it be his grief is making him awful to be around at the moment?

Do you think he would ever buck his ideas up?

OP - if you can find the courage, call it off.

You will have a few weeks of embarrassment but it will ease off eventually and some other scandal will roll around.

The huge danger for you is to marry him, then you can't leave because you only got married 3/6/9/12 months ago. You stay for longer, get further in and further down, making it harder and harder to leave.

Try to rip of the plaster.

Having said all of that, I know it will be hard so honestly, the best of luck.

Your wedding guests will have wasted money and time attending and buying outfits and gifts, paying for travel and taking a day off work if it’s all going to fall apart, I’m sure they’d much rather you didn’t get married if your heart’s not in it.

The money you've both spent on it is gone either way.

Rip the plaster off now rather than having an awful time ahead of you.

No, don’t marry him. See this as a fortunate position to be in. Had you married pre-kids you’d now be headed for an expensive messy upsetting divorce.

Call it off. The money paid will be wasted if you don’t marry him, but equally it will be wasted if you do.

Your guests will just think you’re brave - and will realise you’re doing what’s right for you.

Him being bereaved isn’t a reason to go ahead. Plus, he may feel / know the relationship isn’t working, so you’ll be doing him a favour too - one less thing for him to be depressed about.

That money is already lost, whether you proceed with the wedding or not. The difference if you proceed is that you will also lose money to divorce lawyers, and more importantly lost further years of your life to an unhappy relationship with a partner you don't respect or like.

In terms of losing face with guests, you can choose whether they talk about you as the one who walked away 10 days before the wedding, or the one who got divorced soon after the wedding. Honestly, don't lose sleep over what people will say or think about you. If they love you, they will want you do do what's best for you. If they are gossiping about you, they don't count as your people.

His reaction doesn't scream that he loves you and will be devastated by the loss of your relationship.

It's a tough choice and I understand how hard it is but surely it will be less hard than getting divorced.

Best wishes OP!

Please don’t marry him. His bereavement is not your fault. His depression is not your fault. Going ahead with a wedding you don’t want to do is something you can actually control! Don’t do it. The money you have spent on the wedding is gone either way if the day goes ahead or not so may as well save money on the future divorce. It is hard but you can do it! Then you can spend the time focusing on you and the twins!

You are clearly worried about the guests but your friends and loved ones will support you. If you are viewing it from another persons view point such as the guests then I’d be well pissed off buying a card and giving money to someone’s wedding who never wanted it to happen anyway.

Divorces are brutal! They are emotionally and financially draining. Short term pain and long term gain. Maybe you will have a family member who you can delegate to help you cancel things? So it’s not all on you!

guaranteed that people will pipe up they are well pleased you aren’t marrying him! They probably see the way he treats you and “parents” and are hoping you come to your senses! Fingers crossed for you! Do it asap so you can’t back out xxx

And don't postpone it, you're just dragging out the nightmare for yourself, it's not like you're going to want to marry him in a month, it gives him false hope which is cruel and keeps everyone else just dangling there wondering if they have to reschedule.

Quick and clean. Call it off.

Far cheaper to lose all the money on wedding deposits than to pay for a divorce, not just in
monetary terms but in time and anxiety costs. His stress and depression is a red herring, and not a reason to go through with a marriage you don’t want. If anyone berates you for calling it off and calling time on the relationship, tell them you too are stressed and depressed, and your mental health and well being matters just as much as his.

Marrying him because you feel sorry for him after a bereavement is not a good idea, either for him or you.

Canceling a wedding 10 days before it happens is better than prepping for divorce months after. And either is better than years of misery. This hasn't happened because you're being picky or something. It's happened because he's spent the last 2 years taking you for granted and treating you and his children badly. That is not a man you should marry.

There are guides on line to help you get through the logistical maze. I would rope in your parents and supportive members of the bridal party/best friends to both help you tell guests and to give you some company over the next few friends.

It does mean you are almost certainly going to be breaking up with your 'D'P, and speaking to a solicitor ASAP is good advice, but you can work on most of that later. For now you just need to handle the wedding.

You would be unreasonable to NOT call it off. Twins are hard enough without having to raise a third man child. It sounds like you’re already a single parent.

Call it off op but I would also advise to speak to a solicitor asap for general advice.

Good luck OP. If it helps, think through the wedding vows and consider your heartfelt response to those. If you can't sincerely say "I do", then don't.

Also, if you’re bothered about the scene or gossip or “shame” or whatever calling it off now, it’s still going to be the case if you divorce him in 10 years.

The money spent doesn’t unspend itself just because you hit a wedding anniversary down the line.

I called my wedding off 16 days before. It was awful but I don’t regret it for a minute . If you know you know xx

Go for middle ground postpone it
cancelling wedding , ending relationship and twins is a lot to tackle in one go

It would be incredibly unreasonable NOT to cancel the wedding. Of course you must. Do it right now, today, this minute. And don't present it as a question, let him know you're cancelling the wedding and then start doing so.

As everyone else has said don't do it. Divorce is painful and expensive. Also his response to your doubts is telling - not I love you, I can make you happy, we are strong and can work together to be stronger, but about the inconvenience of not doing it. Is there any way to postpone and preserve some of your money in case you change your mind? If you are doing it though do it today, the later you leave it the harder it will be. It doesn't have to wb a relationship ender unless you want it to be. You could tell everyone you are both struggling with the kids and wanted to postpone to a time when you could enjoy the day and each other, and not have it all be a huge source of stress.

Please dont go through with it and call it off. You know yourself it will be a disaster. Yes there will be some initial upset but that will calm done. Dont marry this man.

Do it. My friend did the same, with 3 days notice. It just hit her, that this was it, and she couldn't do it.
Like you, it was a big event, all booked and paid for, mostly by her father.
She never for one moment regretted it. She didn't lose any friends. A startling amount of people came out of the wood work afterwards saying, 'Actually, we wondered...'
Her family were disappointed for a few weeks. That was the worst of it.

This
do not marry this man!

This happened to a good friend. It happens, and you won’t be the first or last…

Have you anyone you can confide in in real life? Sensible sounding board type friend or family member?

My only hesitation is whether he could be depressed and his current state materially affects things for you?

It may not seem like it but you won’t be the only person to ever call off a wedding. You won’t regret it. But you need to do it today. When he wakes up, do t leave it till the night before.
Tell him, presume safely and go and stay with your parents or somebody (who th kids of course).
What would you say to somebody else or your kids if they were in this situation? Pretty sure the head and heart would say yo call it off.
Free both of you of a lifetime of misery x

Think ahead. In ten years time you could either - be married and miserable still hating this man.
or
divorced after some horrible years together
or
in a lovely relationship with someone who values you

edited To say OR single! And happy! Being the best mum to your twins